Monday, August 02, 2004

Tonight she was admitted for Pysc Evaluations

........tonight she was admitted for Pysc evaluations......

Well, it has been a hard weekend here.... and a very hard Monday.I spent most of last week looking for a child shrink (I can't spell it right now) and never could find one who was accapting new patients.... The regular doctor had a heart attack last week when he saw M's weight gain and said it was time for some real evaluations and we needed to look at the possiblity of some meds......

I called EVERYone listed in the Phone Book for 75 miles.Still doing all I can working on the attachment therapy.Saturday there was another event of Running into the street at dusk when daddy said it was time to go home.....neighbors had to help get her home....she was spitting--screaming--foamng at the mouth--biting--hitting and full out hell....She spent Sunday at home---isolated to some major degree--mostly with me....

Today I "accidently" bought her some apple juice from the vending machine on our way out of the YMCA after swimming....and she dropped it--because she WANTED it right now and couldn't wait until we got to the car and I opened it for her so before we left she opened it and it fell right out of her hands ........It was all my fault......

I should have known she wanted it right then--I should have been a good mom and made sure she had her unspoken needs completely met. Even though typically we don't get things from the vending machines. Instead of being happy we did she decided to be angry that her impatience caused a problem.... In the car she went 'APE' because I wouldn't get her more.

I was supposed to run back in and buy her another one.When we were driving she got out of her seat and started pulling my hair...hitting the back of my head.... I nearly called 911 I wanted to drive straight to the hospital but we managed to get home after I pulled off the road and waited for her to settle down...

HOME was worse then ever.She attacked me--spit on me--thew things out the front door...Threatened to take herself and "HER" brother and levae... I am not her mom--or his mom--and he 'BELONGS" to her..."YOU are nothing--I hate you--I wish you would die---I want you to move out and leave--I hate you--I didn't ever want you--YOU GET WHAT YOU GET and if YOU don't like it too bad I don't care--I hate you..............."I talked for a long time to a woman at the Oregon Post Adoption Resource center.....

I called all the shrinks again....Then I didn't give her a soda when she demanded it. I didn't give her what she wanted--she packed her stuff and said if I wouldn' leave she would....then she woke up the baby....hit him in the face with HIS hot wheel track and told me she would do anything she felt like to HER brother....So I took her to the Hospital.....and 6 hours later they told me to go home and bring her things tomorrow.....

They felt she needed to have an evaluation....she will be there for 7-10 days....I am feeling like a loser right now.... I am devastated inside. I love her soooo much. I am not feeling better--I dont' care if tomorrow will be nice without her here--I don't care if I did my best--I feel like I am spent and really hurt and all I want to do is go and get her.................

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