Thursday, December 22, 2005

This journal!

It seems like our life is starting to feel more normal. Adoption is not the main topic of every conversation and Makala is healing so well from the Reactive Attachment Disorder that I have found my updates and postings here are fewer and father apart.

I am writing about adoption and other issues now professionally and managing the HappyMomAnna.com web site. Which has left less time to sit and think about attachment and disorders and more time to live a regular life.

I might have to change the title of this journal or start a new one because this is a pretty dramatic blog with some rather emotional info on it.

My thoughts for now are to keep it here and add to it when the issues are relevant to RAD and the issues that Makala has and is healing from.

I am blogging in several places lately more light hearted and a little less painful to read. I am also writting professionally and earning some income YIPPY!

I will be posting many blog entries to a new venture I am involved with and you can read some more at http://adoption.families.com and I will post RAD updates here.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Caught up in the Holiday spirit.

I am going 90 miles an hour getting ready for the big party. The kids are doing so well. Actually, Jeremiah is pulling the typical nearly four-year-old boy stuff. He finally got his big new bed with the slide down from the top. Slightly bunked with a little desk under. This should be great fun.
Makala is doing wonderful and getting great notes home from school. The plan is that she will go back to regular public school after spring break. She will have an aide for the first full year back! She is doing very well with math but thinks she cannot read, she just needs to get her confidence and she will do fine.

Both of the kids have day treatment right up to Christmas weekend and then only one week break. The week after Christmas which could not be better. YEAH. We are getting our membership to the YMCA reactivated and hopefully the kids can take some swim classes and do some other things without any BIG problems. I guess it will be a good test anyway. I have to get back into shape my back is killing me and I need to lose weight and get back into shape NOW.

January is Birthday month. I cannot believe Jeremiah will be four! Finally and Thank God! I really could have done without the 'baby' years but, I am also glad I got to have them with one of my four children. My oldest son and Tori are only 14 months apart so neither of them got to be completely babied. It has been fun to have a baby but I am so glad it is over. I felt this way when my older children were little too..... I used to have a rule that I wouldn't babysit a kid younger then my youngest. Now the fun stuff starts and I am very glad.

Makala is behind socially and that bugs me a lot. I do worry about how she is going to get along with other kids. I am starting to realize that the next few years are going to be busy with these kids

I can feel my new years resolutions boiling up!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Sorting is more important than decorating!

I must be an obsessive compulsive person when it comes to decorating and getting the house all pretty for the holidays. I have not figured out a way to get husbands or children to understand that all good things take time. Rome was not built in one day!

I would like to get everything out and place it "IN" the room it will be but not worry about where or how. The Kitchen and Family room are the Blue, silver and white room with Snowmen, Snow flakes and angles. The Dinning and Living room are the Red, Green and Gold rooms with Santa's, Reindeer, and other traditional holiday decorations. So I want to sort things out first, place them in the rooms they will be used in but, my family seems to be in a hurry to have the items placed where and how they will remain for the next month and a half!

Another pet peeve I have is this idea of getting the trees all decorated right this moment. I would like to put the lights on the tree and then look at it for awhile to be sure there are not to many or too few lights on the tree. Then any garland or wrap around things go on. Step back and look at it for awhile...Then if it all seems nice and good that is the time to start adding the ornaments. My family always wants to rush right to the decorating part and always wants to just get it all done. I want to move slow and make things look pretty every step of the way.

And then there are the "do gooders" those members of the family who cannot seem to keep out of my laundry no matter how many times I bicker with them about staying out of the laundry! When I wash the table cloths I do NOT plan to run them through the dryer! I want them damp and I want them ready for an iron, but every time I go to the washer to get out the table linen it is in the freaking dryer! DRY! Is it really that difficult to keep your hands off the laundry? Can't anyone in this house find a REAL way to be helpful, like maybe bringing in the lunch bag before I am looking every place for it only to discover it was not cleaned out the night before?

Well, at least it is still November and I can afford to be frustrated this morning. There will be No More Candles this season. We have had the fire department out twice this year and last night was almost the third time. I have not burned any candles since the two little ones joined our family nearly three years ago. Last night Makala went into the dining room to find the ornament hooks and a piece of paper fell on top of the one burning candle and of course it caught the rest of the papers on the desk on fire...and Andrew had to use the extinguisher and blow the powder all over the place! And of course that took at least an hour to clean up and of course, my computer keyboard was withing the over blow area and now my keys are sticky.

That and it is so cold we are sure to have snow in the next day or two!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Monday morning November 28, 2005

Fewer than 30 days until the big day! There is a lot to do today. Jeremiah has school this morning and will leave around 8:30 but Makala has no school today. So she and I are going to get her Christmas shopping done!

Another mother and daughter experience and memories to be made. The other day when I told Makala we were going to shop and that she could buy presents for the "first family members" she said something that gave me a glimpse into the way she thinks. She thought by "First Family" I meant the older children, and not her and Jeremiah. It sort of broke my heart but it also gave me another chance to let her know that ALL of My Children are my first family! Then yesterday Jeremiah actually thought and asked mommy why the older children have a different daddy?

It amazes me how young kids start to ask these kinds of questions! It has become very clear that Jeremiah does not remember his past life but, he does seem to be aware that "ADOPTION" means something to his life and he has even said, "Me dopted" I guess at least he will always understand this and that it will not come as a surprise. I imagine that his adoption related issues will come later when he actually starts to understand what this really means.

Our Traditionally Modern Christmas is getting underway very quickly! I got both little ones holiday outfits and they are soooooo cute! I think that next weekend is already St. Nickolas and things are really going to ramp up and get hectic.

This week the goals are:
1) Finish all the house decorations.
2) Have a Thursday Tupperware Party here for the Neighbors during the day.
3) Finish shopping and packing the Boxes of gifts that need to be mailed.
4) Dress the Kids up and go get some pictures.
5) Clean the house very well.
6) Find a Rod and Curtains for the Living Room Window.
7) Check the Thrift Store for RED and Burgundy dinner napkins.
8) Dollar store for Wine Bottle Gift Bags and other Holiday related stuff for the party.
9) Write (by hand) the Christmas Cards and Print out the Party invitations.
10) Make a doctor appointment to deal with my back pain.

Well this is all for this morning! I sure hope my day goes well and that I am able to get a lot done.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

On the Sunday after Thanksgiving

Typically this is the worst day of mess and disorder during the holiday season. The kitchen is still in recovery from the Thanksgiving Feast with the stray dish to be cleaned as leftovers run out. The holiday decorations are spread from one room to another in an attempt to pre-stage the master decoration process.

This year it looks like we have three major trees. The big one in the living room window will be for the children to have fun and decorate. The smaller one in the dinning room appears to be the fancy one this year but will be traditional red and green. And the Family room tree is my fave. It will be white, blue silver and gold and this year I am planning to have my dolls come out for the holiday! It has been a long time since my dolls have had Christmas and this year is a good one.

My dolls need to be out of the box now and then and they need dusted and their eyes need to open and close. They have been packed in the boxes now for about 3 or 4 years so it is time they make an appearance.

I sure wish we would have made an offer to buy the 100 year old house! There are so many things I could do with that house and the idea of an old house is so special to me. Too bad the seller wants more then the husband is willing to pay.

Anyway, The Sunday after Thanksgiving is all about house work and getting things cleaned up. I sure have my work cut out for me.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Traditionally Modern

When I was growing up there were still grandmothers who baked bread from scratch and families remembered all the words to the carols and told the stories of Christmas from their hearts. My older children were raised in the 80's and we didn't have two extra dimes to spend but somehow I was able to make some magic happen. The world is so different today so fast paced and busy it is hard to stop long enough to even think about making a new memory.

When I was little everyone had a live Christmas tree, some families even went and cut a live tree from a tree farm. It still happens today but, a new tradition is made every year when we teach the children how to properly open the branches on our artificial boxed tree we keep year to year. Maybe it is not the same memory I had as a child or even the same that the older kids experienced as little ones. But, our family has to make adjustments and new memories. Besides, it is far more environmentally friendly to use an artificial tree year after year...Isn't it?

A few days ago we had Thanksgiving dinner and it was one of the very best. It was at our house this year and my turkey turned out better then any I have ever made. My stuffing was a little wet I added an apple and I think that was just a bit too much. The table was so pretty with the china I bought last year from my Aunt Terries dear friend. It was absolutely beautiful and Makala made place cards for everyone. The kids table even had china and glass cups and the gaudy gold flat ware.

Usually I don't go out shopping the day after Thanksgiving because I am broke. But, this year I am using my credit card with a budget. I hope I don't go over--too much. I was able to get almost everything finished on Friday with a few minor things more to get. Seems that Jeremiah and Tori are on the short end of things right now.

Today we have been getting all the decorations out and trying to put things up and make things pretty. I love decorating for the holidays.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Life is starting to Feel Normal--Maybe?

I have thought twice about this entry. It seems whenever I say things are getting back to normal something happens which makes me eat those words.
But, I do have to say that it really seems things around our home are much more normal even with the typical behaviors of children age 3 and 7.

I don't expect any kind of perfection because as a parent I believe there is always something to be worried about or working to improve.

Day treatment is talking about moving Makala back to regular school after Spring Break. Originally the goal was to start the 3rd grade back in mainstream so this is a little sooner than the original goal.

Makala is having a difficult time finding other children she wants to interact with at day treatment. She is bugging the adults half to death and it is hard to NOT have compassion because over all Makala doesn't have much in common with the other children.

After Thanksgiving day treatment is expanding and there will be three class rooms with 9 children instead of 12. Makala's case manager is excited because she will move into the oldest group and he feels this change will be a great transition to her return to public school.
Of course, this past weekend was somewhat distressing. The children went shopping with dad and started to run around. Dad told them to stop and Makala Ran Off....bumped into Jeremiah and he fell and needed 10 stitches in his forehead...

It would not have been a horrible big deal because accidents happen. I talked with Makala and told her that we were lucky she bumped into Jeremiah and not some other child or old person. I also told her that she WAS NOT in trouble for the 'accident' part of what happened but she was in trouble for the fact she broke the rules she knew and didn't mind daddy.

The problem is that she just would not accept a consequence this weekend. She argued and had tantrums about everything that was designed to be a consequence. She was defiant about her plans being picked and told us both "No" and basically would NOT accept any consequence for her behavior.

I frankly believe this is Normal 7 year old stuff but I am glad we have the support of day treatment and cannot wait to find out how they handled this issue. Jeremiah is fine it hurts and he will have a scar but he will be fine.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Bugs and Snakes.

So our weekend was not very fun. First Makala got the Flu or something like it!

Jeremiah got stung by a bee for the first time....and told me he wubed (Loved) them why don't they wube me?

Ohhhhh

....and then doing laundry I found two more dead garden snakes

Friday, October 07, 2005

Busy-Busy!

Everyone is sooooo busy right now. The older kids are just getting settled into the back to University routine...I have not heard from them much the past few weeks....which is usually a Good Sign!

Makala had a REAL blow out on Wednesday night and I really have no clue why? I guess it is hard to let go of the old behaviors sometimes. She has been pushing some things for about a week... the old ugly face and saying no to mom and dad stuff. The stuff I never would have done and honestly suffer from a lack of ideas on dealing with.

We were able to keep things in 'check' for several days with a time out here and there but Wednesday night the Line was crossed over eating some dinner. Now I do not believe that a child should be forced to eat anything but, Makala started bugging me about dinner at 4:00 pm. So when dinner came and all I heard was, "GROSS I am Not eating this..." I was a bit irritated. So I *suggested* that going to church group was going to NOT happen unless some effort to eat a healthy meal happened...well you would have thought I had told her to eat some poison.... and then she dramatically BRAFFED on her plate--which made Jeremiah decide that Now he does not like cooked carrots either---when in the past this kid would eat them all if I had let him...

Anyway--it all got out of hand. Both kids claiming dinner sucked and they were not eating any of it. Planning to go eat cookies at the church group so Mom said NO Church unless you eat.

They would not Eat.

An hour later I told Makala to go up and get dressed for bed and it happened! An ON-THE-FLOOR-TANTURM!
I hate those!

Another Hour of wailing and screaming and kicking...URGH! And when daddy jumped in guess what?

She hit him!

She actually hit her father!

That was it--to bed for the night I don't care if it is only 7:30....and more screaming and raging and kicking...so she lost her right to pick her plans on Thursday!

She thought she would be a smarty pants and tell me her notebook was forgotten at school so I would not be able to tell Day Treatment--I picked up the phone and left Voice Mail for her case manager and we got the alarm out and went to bed....
Jeremiah passed out during all of it as he often does.

Of course, Day Treatment was not so fun for Makala on Thursday and after school we played a game, did homework and spent the rest of time in her bedroom--until she was able to tell daddy she was sorry.

Once that battle was over Guess who decided to be a stinker?

Yeah--Jeremiah could not live without the crazy stuff last night so when his sister didn't cause problems he stepped right in to be sure we had another frustrating evening!

On the Great side I don't have to go to the darn Dollar Store today! They have been earning the reward of a trip to the dollar store when they have a week of No Naughty Notes from school or home.... No Dollar store this Week...Besides Jeremiah bit his teacher so he lost his reward from that!

Anyway--another weekend with RAIN ahead....oh I love the Summer.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

What a Weekend!

It had to RAIN!

Gee--I am not ready for the rainy season...which is most of the year here!
The kids were bouncing off the walls! We even took them out and had a great time at Saffari Sams....but to no avail!

Yesterday--Makala was doing an "ART" project and left the scissors out---YES--Jeremiah did give himself a hair cut! Which is just fine--today is picture day!

Oh well at least I know this is normal. You should see the pictures of the Hair Cut Tori gave herself at 3 1/2! Right across the TOP!

Otherwise--things are holding steady. Jeremiah has been the handful and a half this past 10-days. He is really trying to be a sneaky stinker and doing a great job of it.

The only thing that WORRIES me so much is the 'Threats' he makes. I have never known such a young child to threaten the way he does. Makala does not do this yet Jeremiah has learned to say, "I am going to hurt mommy!" Really is freaky!

We are seeing too that Jeremiah is becoming aware of adoption. Yesterday daddy was talking to an old friend on the phone who is expecting his Surprise First Child. Daddy said something about "Adopting" and Jeremiah got up real close to listen. So interesting!

Makala was a 'sassy-pants' yesterday. Talking back and making that ugly noise and face when I asked her a question! By the end of the evening she ended up going to bed early because I had-had enough. I remember WANTING to say all the things she says to me to my parents....I also remember I would never DARE!

Anyway--that is about all today....just the run of the mill regular parenting stuff.
Anna

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Today......

Well, this morning will be my first meeting day at Jeremiah's class. It will be a hectic morning....9-10 in Makala's room and 10-11 in Jeremiah's!!!!

I cannot wait to discuss last night! For the life of me I do not know why this little boy is peeing on the floor--in the corner--right in front of the family--really sneaky!

Anyway--it is going to be a long morning and I hope I can get some good ideas.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Getting Ready for the BIG day!

I cannot help but to be excited about tomorrow! Jeremiah has been a complete turkey lately! This Day Treatment GIG is going to be just Swell!
I am not sure what I am going to do with all the free time.....oh heck who am I fooling--I know what I will do with MY free time!

But--really, I am planning to join Jenny Craig! Have you seen what's her face--Kristie ??? whatever it is.... The FAT ACTRESS (her title of her show---not me calling names) She has lost 50 pounds!!!!!!!!

I don't even need to lose that much!

...........so That is one step. The other is to get back into a work out! Man I have let myself go--and I need to get into shape because my back is killing me!
Then.....I will have time to mop the floor during the day--instead of at night after everyone is asleep! Yippee the simple Joy's of life!

Right now I have to run and get Jeremiah and then we have a meeting at the school at 1:30--then I have to stop off and get those Mouse ears from Melissa...and the store....and ...and...and...
Busy day!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Amazing Past Few Weeks!

Wow! What a difference!

The past few weeks have been fantastic I just cannot believe this is the same little girl! Day Treatment notes come home with a simple: Great DAY! Written and the case manager even let me off the hook for this weeks meeting because I wasn't feeling so great Wednesday morning (back pain)!

To top it all off Jeremiah starts next Thursday!

Which will not be soon enough as he has been a monster the past several weeks. When he was little he would often wake up during the middle of the night and play--but, It was like he was on some kind of mission. We recall one night after he got a little play Work Bench with all the tools, he spent HOURS in the middle of the night building and building. Anyway--the past several nights this behavior has returned! He seems completely driven and on some kind of mission and nothing will stop him...

Of course, the next morning is terrible and cranky! FOR Me and for him. He has also been very violent the last few days. For no real reason. He got mad because he didn't want ice cream--then he got mad because he did...then he got mad because it was Cold... ??? Ran over and for no reason pulled Makala's hair.... It seems like it has been one time-out after another around here.

Anyway--for completely selfish reasons I cannot wait until next Thursday! Not only will Jeremiah be getting the consistent message at school and help with dealing with some of the anger issues...But I GET a BREAK! Oh my Gosh! Every morning at 8:30 I kiss them goodbye--sending them to a very safe and therapeutic place--and every afternoon at 1:30 I kiss them hello! I have no idea what I will do with all my time?

Most likely keep working on the Website...It is starting to really look GREAT!

Friday, September 02, 2005

TGIF!

I have made it through the WEEK! Yeah!

Yesterday the Kids and I took off for the coast at right after Andrew left for work and got home with Moe's Clam Chowder right as he pulled in from the Job! We had a GREAT day at the Beach and fun at the Oregon Aquarium (which will never be the same after Kako left) Jeremiah got to see the Jelly Fish which was a big treat for him as he has become the number one Sponge Bob fan on earth. I still have NO Clue what a "Sea Bear" is but Andrew tells me it is a Fish with a Bear head that bites and the only thing worse is s Sea Rhino? HUH???? Jeremiah is terrified of "Sea Bears" and I still have no clue what one is?

Still talking about Jeremiah he is starting to be VERY Angry with being called a "Bull Frog" and covers his ears if anyone tries to Sing the Song to him. Yesterday he said he wants to have a different name and be called Andrew like his dad.... Just when I was getting used to the name Jeremiah! But I really don't blame him if one more person gives him a Frog I think I will have to get mad!

Makala has been doing very WELL this week! WOW and Great! Anything that has happened I classify as Normal 7 year old stuff! Which is exactly what I want "Normal 7 year old stuff" is all fine by me! I am so glad that things are on an even tone right now!

Just wish she was getting ready to return to regular school! I really have no idea how far behind she is at this point. I do hope she can catch up without too many issues...

We are waiting for the referral for the MRI and PET scan still! I plan to push this issue next week. I would really like to rule it in or out... soon!

Anyway that is all right now in my life... A normalish week and feeling much better--of course except that my back is acting up! But that is the way my life is...I always have some pain in the neck or another!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Summer goes on....

Wow--for the first time in nearly three years I feel a little NORMAL! For once I feel depressed about things that are NOT happening in MY HOME! Namely the Hurricane and suffering that so many people are dealing with! I feel for once in the longest time that I can actually pray and worry about something that is NOT happening to ME.

I guess this might be a sign that our family and our life is starting to return to some kind of normal and that my life is not consumed with dealing with the situations we have been in a vacuum! I have not been so touched by the outside world in so long as I have this week. I just wish there was something--anything--that I could do to help some of these people affected by this disaster!

I gave blood for the first time in nearly three years yesterday! The Red Cross always wants my blood because it is O negative and universal. It was the only thing I feel I could offer under the circumstances.

Anyway...... it feels odd to think that a disaster makes me aware that my problems are SMALL compared to the suffering of others. I cannot think of ANYTHING to complain about here today! My home is dry, my family is safe and my life is NORMAL and there are simply too many people who are suffering for me to use this space to vent or blubber about problems that are not life and death.

Today I just ask that any of us who are dry and safe and have homes, and jobs to go to pray and donate what we can to help others in what appears to be the most horrible natural disaster I have witnessed in my lifetime. A pint of blood--or $5.00 is needed by those who cannot sit at their computer today and go on and on about the trails of life and parenting......God Bless these families and communities that face this horror!

Friday, August 26, 2005

...and our Summer Starts Today!

Makala has all next week off from school/day treatment and it will be Summer for ONE WEEK! Yikes!

I have been making plans to fill the time and just pray that things go well and I don't have to take anything away from anyone for naughty behaviors!

Sunday is our anniversary and we plan to take the Kids to the only amusement park we have...if you can call it that...Then on Monday I am planning a day trip to the Beach (I am not crazy about the Oregon Beaches but in September at least they are sunny sometimes) Tuesday we are going to try to do the School Clothes shopping Everyone in this house is in desperate need of some new clothes! Wednesday I think we will hit the Zoo with my Friend who has the Twins...and Thursday Maybe MJ and I can hook up for the park and ice cream... Friday we might go to Mt Hood when there is NO SNOW because Anna does NOT DO SNOW!

The great thing is that I can switch the days we do whatever we end up doing so I might have a few day changes... The Weekend before school starts back up Andrew wants to go to Mt ST Helen's... and see what has really changed....Personally, I could do without the trip for some reason I do have anxiety over driving to the edge of a Volcano! But then again it could be fun because every other time I have gone up it has been so foggy I couldn't even see anything.... I don't mind looking from 60 miles away but I get real upset being too close I was 17 when she BLEW the real time and that was a traumatic memory for me! Scared the poo right out of me.

Oh well, I suppose it is good to over come anxiety! Hopefully the Kids don't notice that DAD does this long drive because every time I have been behind the wheel I turn off and want to drive back home at least 3 times on the way! I told Andrew he has to drive this time or I won't go! Andrew usually likes me to drive on our outings because he drives two hours everyday and likes to have the break!

I wonder if the Kids will be able to handle a Camp Out next summer? I thought about it for this summer but considering it would be Andrews first too I decided to wait and not torture myself with THREE first timers! Andrews brother, Gordon and I have been trying to get an ALL Family Camp out organized but most of the family cannot get over sleeping outside and not having a shower...bunch of wimps!

I miss the good old days of Camp Outs and the snipe hunting, burnt marshmallows and silly camp fire songs.... I never saw so many hotels in my life until I married Andrew... And if he would just agree to get a supper nice Motor Home I would be on cloud 9 I hate to FLY and I could go anyplace I want to go with a motor home! I am working him over for this big ticket item! Of course I would rather have a Hot Tub but don't think he is going to BREAK on that item for a few more years.... So the Motor Home could get him especially when I outline that a Trip in one saves Hotel bills and I could see my mom without airline tickets! Of course high Gas prices leave me a little lost on how to justify something that likely gets 4 miles to the gallon.....urgh!

Speaking of Gas prices I am seeing a lot of inflation at the grocery store lately and do NOT like it!

Anyway, time to go get Jeremiah and actually start the day! I love Fridays because I don't have Any REAL obligations! And I am still numb thinking that with both kids in Day Treatment I might actually have a few hours five days a week to do NOTHING! Right--I will likely use it for this web site or some other time consuming project!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Is it really only Wednesday?

Gosh I cannot believe it is only Wednesday! Time seems to be dragging for me this week!

M is still appearing to have better control of her moods on the medication. She is also apparently on a VERY low dose so that makes me feel pretty good.

I had my weekly meeting with the case manager and everyone can see the difference so it seems that for the near future we will continue to medicate. Perhaps giving M time to LEARN to skills to manage and deal with what triggers her rages.

Yesterday I got the fantastic news that Jeremiah is going to start the 3-5 year old day treatment program and personally this thrills me completely--especially given the recent developments with doo-doo issues that we are having! I am not going to go into any details as most people can completely imagine but I will say that we need new carpet!

I don't know for sure yet when he will be starting but, I do know that the style I see at the day treatment is one I like and that the ideas and methods are working in so many ways. It will be nice to have both children on the same consistent program and Jeremiah doesn't really have anything better to do for the next few years so we can't see any reason to pass this up.

Yesterday I went to the Zoo with his Pre-school and frankly some of those children are complete monsters and I was less then impressed with the teacher in charge of this class. If the worst we have to fear is that Jeremiah picks up new tricks from other children then.....I don't see how these kids in pre-school could have any less to teach him! My goodness.....

So for now it looks like our family is on a holding pattern of sorts. Which is good and for at least the next 12 months we should have a consistent life with few changes.

I also spoke to my daddy the other night. He is completely broken hearted. He and my step mother have a 13 year old son and for the past 8 or more years they have been the legal guardians to my step sisters three children.....well, my step sister has been CLEAN and sober for over 2 years now and is married and doing very well in life! Which is really a blessing...but my daddy is broken hearted because two weeks ago they had to let the oldest child go back to my step sister and the other two will be returned over the next several weeks.

Frankly, my father is over 60 and my little brother has really been screwed in all of this. My dad and step mom have had some very rocky times the past few years and I honestly feel that these three kidos should be with my step sister if at all possible. It is not like my dad is not still a grandfather the children are NOT gone....and my little brother deserves some time with my dad as his father and not having such chaotic life.... I might feel a lot different if my father were much younger but I don't like the fact that he has to WORK as hard and long as he has had to for the last several years just to make ends meet.

My dad was a father at the Age of 19 and has always had children to raise... He should have some time in his life where he is not a dad on call every moment.... Our family is not known to live to a great old age so who knows how long he will even be around! And my step sister should get her life together and take care of her kids... it is time!

I guess in many ways I want my dad back too. I am sort of hurt because I had to hear the news from my mother who heard from one of my other brothers....and my dad didn't even call me to tell me himself! And then he ended our call by saying he had to call the boy who went back to my step sister because he calls him every night....makes me feel bad because I cannot remember the last time my father called me...... Boy do I have some problems or WHAT?

Anyway--I am just glad that things are working out. I never much liked all this. We had offered to adopt the three kids when we were doing our adoption and were flat out told that my step sister was going to get them back and that my dad was simply taking care of them until she got her life together so it sort of seems odd that my dad is so broken up about letting them return it is not like they are gone--he will always be grandpa and he will always have a relationship with the children....so...at least that.

Can you tell I really have daddy issues?

Monday, August 22, 2005

One Week before The End of the Summer Break!

M got only Two Weeks off from school/day treatment for the summer and the first was near the 4th of July and the second week is NEXT WEEK! As nice as it has been for me to have consistency and I will admit time off everyday even in the summer--I am looking forward to next Week!

I love Summer and have to admit this consistency has been nice but I do feel like there was No Summer! It is going to be interesting cramming in the Beach and fun along with new clothes shopping all in one week! Actually, I am thinking of waiting on the new clothes because all the sales will happen after school starts and there is very little pressure to conform at day treatment soooooo why not delay and get the great deals!

We had a nice weekend! I do have to say the Makala and Jeremiah are pretty great about taking LONG car rides! We left home at noon yesterday and drove out to see the property that is VERY tempting to go ahead and buy! Then we drove and checked out all the little towns along the way and on the river! Making it even more tempting to put in an offer on the 5 acre lot since all we can seem to find right on the river are either large houses on tiny lots or large lots with old houses or no houses....Seems to be rather rare to see this kind of land on the river with a 3,000 sq ft house that isn't even 7 years old! BUT--it would add some real time to Andrew's commute and is still a little more expensive then we want to spend just now! The real plan is to move in 2-3 years we have agreed to only jump the gun if we find something we think is PERFECT! Not sure this is it--but we do know we cannot find this kind of land on the River anywhere else???? hummmmm

Makala was able to talk a little with me about "What she is thinking" when she is in a RAGE! She told me that in her brain she says, "Don't do it--don't say No, don't have a fit" but that she feels herself doing it anyway!

I wish I could figure out some way to connect with that little girl who is telling herself "don't do it" when she is feeling herself do it anyway! We talked for awhile about ideas to see if we can 'work together' and get past these tantrums... Makala liked the idea of counting to five and trying to hold still and be quiet until she has finished counting....

We are going to try some Strong Sitting exercises. Some children have had great results from practicing Sitting up straight and deep breathing when they are NOT in trouble. Sort of like a Work Out and self control grounding experience.

I also FINALLY am getting someplace with the Neurological Testing Referrals I have been trying so hard to get! The case treatment manager said that when he read the Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder booklet he Agrees completely that this may in fact be a huge factor! YEAH finally someone who actually thinks I might know my little girl.... He of course still feels RAD is a big part of everything.... and everyone knows how I am and always have been a little unsure of this Dx.

I guess, I just don't want to be in part of some big wave of Pop-Psychology! I remember in the 80's EVERYONE had Repressed memories and We had All been Sexually Abused but blocked it all out and Now needed to deal with it---OR---everyone was Multiple personality.... WELL---20 years later most of the real data on repressed memory has proven that if it actually does happen it is VERY RARE and most psychologists now feel multiple personalities are not really possible at least not the way Sybil made it seem anyway.... I would HATE to shrink this child for the next few years and find out 20 years from now that RAD was also over Dx and is NOT as huge of an issue as we all think....But then What if the science proves Reactive Attachment Disorder is Really Real and all the great answers are found?

I just keep going back and fourth on this issue! I feel like sometimes this RAD therapy is over focused...but, then most of it could NOT be damaging so no reason not to attempt the therapy and attachment work....so no harm done....right?

Frankly, I don't think there are two people on this earth that are exactly alike and I think MOST of us and our children are actually dealing with a variety of issues, personalities, prenatal exposure, post traumatic stress, and then all the things that any REGULAR Child might or might not have..... I just do NOT believe that ONE KEY is the answer to any of the issues any person deal with...It is a combination of factors and requires a combination of efforts and ideas.....

Anyway--Jeremiah has locked himself outside so I need to go....

Breaks my heart!

Friday, August 19, 2005

a Quick Note!

....things appear to be going rather well! Funny I can't find as much to talk about when things are even Steven!

M is really trying very hard and wanting to do well. It is so odd because I can tell when she is trying to irritate--or--aggravate someone else...and most of the stuff just seems like testing issues....

The lies are still an issue and still everyday WHY? Why tell a Lie about THAT? But, maybe this is a bad habit that can be changed?

The weekend looks fun: Saturday I get to get away with a Tupperware Party! and Sunday we are driving out to look at some property and a house--in a small town on the river far far away from the city! Yippee? Or not? we will have to check it out!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Another Great Day

I guess we have the answers about medication because this cannot be ironic M has had day after day of GREAT Behaviors! Even at school!

Not only are her moods in control but she has not tantrum-ed at all or even argued very hard... She is able to Make and Effort right now and is REALLY trying!

..........anyway, I am enjoying the Good Break and hope it lasts!

Monday, August 15, 2005

What a Completely Fantastic Weekend!

What a wonderful and fantastic weekend!

Saturday my oldest son came over and watched the kids for about an hour until Tori got here. He left a list of "M's Crimes" But we do need to consider the source he is a bit self centered and well...he may have a college degree but....he is on the less mature side....But we Love Him anyway. So M caused some issues but he most likely agitated her and well they deserve each other.

Tori said the Whole evening went wonderful and there were no problems. Tori read the booklet on the Alcohol Related Neurological Disorders and Went WOW with me!

M has not needed the bedroom door alarm for the past four nights because she has been HAPPY to go to bed.... We have NOT had a tantrum for 3 days....

Saturday Andrew and I got out and had a blast! Talked with several old friends and relaxed. Sunday we took the kids to some NEWER friends house and swam all afternoon in their pool, BBQ-ed Hot dogs and had a great afternoon.

Last night the KIDS crashed after such a fun day!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Placebo? or Really is what we need?

I really was hopeful that M would NOT have to be medicated and I really wanted it not to be what she needs! I just hate the idea of having her take meds and the side effects that medicated children have to endure.....BUT, is it all in my head or is it WHAT this princess actually needs right now?

Last night was only the SECOND night back on medication. I had planned for the fact that I wanted to attend our Adoptive Parents Network Group meeting last night and so I hired my oldest son to come and make sure the children were settled down so that Andrew would be able to do his weekly conference call to India.... They both reported that M was a complete DELIGHT--YES, I said DELIGHT!

My oldest son was able to play a board game with her and she didn't pitch a fit when she didn't WIN (which is Great because he always had a problem Not being the Winner too and even though he will be 22 next Monday he still has some growing up to do)

Then when it was time to go to bed M asked if she could "TRY" not having the Alarm on her door.....They agreed and told her that if she got up even ONE Time they would put it on the door....Apparently she got ready for bed and went right to sleep!

This morning she came down stairs DRESSED for School and Brushed her hair without being asked--which is usually a horrible ordeal since it is so long it is past her rear end! She ate her breakfast and gathered her things and waited by the door for her driver--kissed me goodbye and left with a smile!

HUH?

...could it be possible that she REALLY must need this medication? When I read this journal I can clearly see the difference between medicated and NOT! I can't believe this is my imagination that she does so much better with the meds...DANG it! It is LIKE NIGHT AND DAY!

I suppose that if this really is something my sweety needs that I can get over the fact she needs it.... I just wish I didn't have to feel so responsible for the fact that No One knows the LONG TERM effects of children taking these medications...like the effect 20 years from now....Or what about her reproduction and all that stuff...what if she really needs this medication and we keep her on it for years and she leaves home and goes off and crashes? Or has to go off to have children and turns into a crazy maniac and has problems? I just don't want her to have to be medicated and I wish this stuff was not working but It sure seems that it really is!

I have talked with other parents who have tried medications and NOT seen any improvements or the medications lose the effectiveness after a period of time. All I know is that when I look at this journal I can see that the 9-months she was on Risperdal she was not flipping out everyday--she was not arguing about every thing and she was in a stable mood....so much so that day treatment thought she would graduate by this coming Christmas and be ready for school again...Then we took her off meds and it has been a quick and painful spiral down to the worst fits and tantrums I have ever witnessed!

Maybe this is Just a fluke and maybe she is trying hard and working on it and it is all ironic? I suppose that we can keep her on for awhile and try a back-off again and see what happens later? I just cannot believe what 2-days on this medication has demonstrated to us....and I know that M will be so much happier and live such a more peaceful life it she is not always verging on some mood swing of some kind or another....

Anyway--I cannot wait until she gets home today to see what happened at school and how she does this afternoon! I would so much love to be done with the flipping out and lack of stability with her moods.... I just see no way that she could even learn at school or have the ability to accomplish much of anything in her life under the situations she deals with when we were not medicating.... Just the most simple tasks were too much for her.

Yesterday, we did have some argument about riding bikes but, honestly I don't think her wanting to ride the bike and being insistent was all that unusual she didn't have a tantrum just some re-asking and begging and some minor arguments about it but eventually let go and waited until it was TIME to ride...which did happen just not when she wanted it..... I think this was completely normal 7-year-old behaviors and didn't feel she crossed any REAL line with her begging yesterday....

so who knows here and if the meds are needed then I need to get over my own not wanting this to be the case. I may not like this and It might scare me half to death but without it what would her future even be if we cannot make it ten-minutes without some kind of mood swing and freak out?

anyway that is the update for this morning.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

We started the new Medication--Abilify 5MG

I was able to get somewhat caught up from my lost time on Tuesday. After School (Day Treatment) yesterday M was on "Picked Plans" with mom until Mom catches up with the things she couldn't do on Tuesday because of all the problems....Like finishing the shopping with Jeremiah BEFORE M got home and then making the Peach Jam mom planned to make on Wednesday morning but couldn't because Mom had to do the things she couldn't do Tuesday!

M went to Church group last night because she didn't have much chance to get into trouble because Mom had picked her plans and they didn't offer much opportunity to get into any trouble.

As far as I know last night the ONLY issue we had was ONE LIE!

At the meeting on Tuesday I talked about how I had told M that I know sometimes she might have lied to me or someone else and everyone believed her--but, that getting away with a lie here and there is NOT a great way to live her life... That I am sure she has pulled the wool over my eyes once or twice but, she really should not count on it.

The Treatment staff thought that was a BAD choice of Words because it gives M ideas that sometimes she can get away with her lies... But I personally think it goes without being said that SOMETIMES she gets one past us....I don't think pretending we don't know this is true does any good? She has to be smart enough to notice that she gets away with lies here and there and not talking about that seems like it would just be a secret in her heart and give her more power. I think it is far better to state the FACT that I am sure she has gotten away with many lies but that the RISKS should be enough to tell herself she would rather not try?

Maybe I am wrong but I know when I think that I can get away with something I am more apt to try it. And having this just be some thought in the mind that once in awhile I don't get caught means I might try more often...Why pretend it is NOT a True Fact. The truth is that I am sure she gets away with more lies then I know of...and pretending I don't know that fact means she does and will keep trying.

The Treatment staff feels this gives her an idea that sometimes she gets away with it.....I think she is smart enough to have figured it out already and I would rather tell her I know how it works!

Anyway, I do hope this new med works I have not done any research yet so plan to today.....and still thinking about the Adoption Assistance and revising our requests to include Respite Care... It takes sooooooo long for me to get some of the simplest things done lately!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Well, that was an interesting afternoon!

yesterday was another wild ride to say the least! Day treatment had a planned meeting at 2:30 to go over all of M's goals and progress, it was one of those meetings I could choose to attend or not. I had sent a note that I wouldn't be able to attend because I didn't have any arrangements for child care and short notice made it very difficult to arrange!

So M got home and her book from school had a GREAT Day report so I let M know that tonight there was a really special Meeting for all the Tupperware mom's and the meeting was special because it was KID's Night and all the mom's could bring their kids for the meeting....which was going to be a lot of FUN! All we needed to do is get to the store for some food so we had dinner and at least tomorrow's lunch and then get ready to go!

..................well, at the store M noticed that I was buying all the "special" diet foods that are low in sugar and carbs and she realized that it was clear she was going to go back on her meds...At which time she decided to FREAK OUT and BEG me up and down the isles NOT to put her back on. She made promises that From RIGHT this moment and for the REST of Her life she was going to STOP having tantrums and arguing and being unsafe....But, mom just told her that the past few weeks were the time she needed to show me this and that as of now the decision had been made and it was not going to change medication was going to start again.

She instantly progressed even more into her uncontrollable behaviors and chanting her desires over and over.... pulling the shopping cart and making it hard for mom to shop....pleading and chanting up and down every isle in the store.... I tried hard to tune it all out which only made her more angry. When I would not continue to respond to her she came over and slugged me--Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut until we left the store--but, I didn't and I let her know that she was no longer going to the Tupperware meeting.....and she went NUTS!

I would say she hit me at least five times....starting pushing on the cart so I could not move it anyplace. Ran up and down the isles and was screaming at the top of her lungs! I saw a workers so I let the worker know we were not going to be able to complete the shopping and that there was some cold food in the basket! And I picked up Jeremiah and he started crying because he wanted the candy he had in the basket and he had been a complete angel and didn't think it was fair...I needed stamps so I thought maybe we could get out quickly enough if I stopped at the service counter and paid for the candy and stamps

Well, as usual there was someone at the service counter with a problem and the clerk was on the phone trying to fix the problem...so there was going to be a 'little' delay....but, I thought we could stick it out a few moments....M started pulling on my arms in order to make me drop Jeremiah and was flipping out--EVERYONE was looking at the whole situation and reaching for cell phones most likely to call the cops if they saw me hit her or something--after all clearly this child was being abused by ME! The bagger boy, Andy who is downs syndrome just froze in his skin and couldn't move watching M.....he looked terrified at what he was seeing....

I eventually gave up and left the candy on the counter and walked out of the store...... AGAIN wondering, What the HELL do I do NOW? and I looked at the clock and saw it was five minutes after 2 p.m. and I could make it to the Day Treatment center on time for the meeting--so I did and brought both children with me!

The shrink was there and we got a script for a new medication that MIGHT be as effective as Risperdal but with fewer side effects and we discussed her treatment progress and goals....The school has notices nearly every area has been backward progress too and while they do not see the tantrums (proof this is really RAD in their minds) they also have seen many of the same problems I am having at home.......

I was surprised because I feel like we have been HORRIBLY mean and controlling and all we ever seem to be doing is punishments and gee how hard can we be on her day in and day out....but, the majority of the staff feel that we need to stand even firmer with her....and use the bedroom door alarm ANY time she gets out of control, is unsafe, the phone rings, or I need a break! And that coming in on the Back Side and processing that "I love you and Daddy Loves you NO matter what you do WE LOVE you and you are not going away and blah blah blah will eventually get through to her???????????????????

It has been very clear that negative consequences do NOT work with this child and positives seems to give her "credit in the Bank of being naughty" so.....what is there really left to do here?

The advice I am getting is to stand even firmer and not allow her to be unsafe or abusive and eventually she will GIVE UP on this WAR she has going on?

I feel like Hitler some days! I feel like even with some of the Marginally "normal" 7-year-old stuff she cannot be permitted to GET AWAY with one DARN thing at all! PERIOD! One inch and she not only takes a mile but she is ON THE MOON! One get away with it and I might as well write her a permission slip to do anything she thinks she might want to do....

I am repeatable advised to dish out the consequences and process with her....M, we love you and we always will...(true) M, it hurts to know that you would try and hurt me and your brother because we are family and we should be protecting each other from things that might hurt anyone who is in our family.....

this back end processing is KIND of HARD for me. I always called it the BEST LOVE TIME when I was a child. When my father would lose control and cross a line and be too hard or hit too much he would come to me later and GIVE me all the BEST LOVE and all the GREAT WORDS I needed to hear..... I think that my training in getting HIS BEST LOVE after some extreme event led me to have problems in my first marriage.... Almost as if I PUSHED to have a fight or conflict in order to have the MAKE-UP Love....

It is HARD to say if I might have played a part in creating more conflict in that Marriage due to this NEED I had or not....Fact is a wife beater and raper would have been that way no matter what....but, I have often wondered what MY Own Messed up needs did in fact create an environment where being a battered-wife was MORE likely. All the therapy I have had tells me this is actually a normal reaction when you are a victim of domestic violence.... Victims often blame themselves.... and all that psychology but, I was there and I do remember being aware of my need for the MAKE up stuff and have to wonder how much of a part I actually did play in setting my ex-husband up to feel not choice but to HIT me?

This is part of why I am thinking more and more that the opinions of the caseworkers that a former abuse victim will have the compassion to be a Great Parent for a child who has been abused. I just don't know if this is really true anymore or NOT? Given that the advice I am getting it to process and give MY BEST LOVE after a dramatic event with what appears to be a terrible consequence for my child....I find it very hard to Give my Best Love following an event like this......??????

I don't want her to learn that following PUNISHMENT comes the greatest connection we share!

I also have to wonder if MY OWN issues in this area have meant that I have NOT done as good a job in the processing part and perhaps I have HELD BACK too much and not provided the RIGHT KIND of processing following a consequence????? I do tend to delay the processing and try to do it when things seem more settled down and I avoid doing the processing AT the End of the actual consequences.... usually, I think I tend to wait until the next day to really sit down and process and given that she is 7 and emotionally only 4 I should take into consideration that TIME is LONGER when you are a child.......

So anyone who prays out there--would you mind asking the Big Guy to lead me a little more on these issues? Please.

I am going to set up another therapy series for me with M's

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Tuesday Morning and the sun is shinning!

ok, I do feel a little better this morning. Yesterday was NOT horrible nothing major anyway....but, there was still the constant argument and name calling and fingers in the ears when I tried to talk which really RIPS my Shorts.

I wanted to spank her butt so bad! but only talked about What would have happened when I was a KID! And when I was a kid I can tell you that I would have been knocked through a WALL if I had even thought about talking to my parents the way she seems to think she can talk to ME!

Anyway.......after being told (screamed at) at least 5 times to "Shut-up" and a rough argumentative afternoon Makala was sent to her room early (to spare her life! ) And she asked if she could show me that she could stay in her room without the alarm and I said, "OK we will try it." So she named one of her dolls Jeremiah and started talking to the doll...which was really about attracting her brother to her room because he kept hearing his name said!

so I eventually had to put the alarm on her door.... and she screamed like someone beat her anyway.....and eventually gave up and went to sleep

and I finally made the Margaretta's I got supplies to make three weeks ago I had two and passed out! ummmmm Margaretta's reminds me of HOME--San Diego! yummy! It will be at least another 6 months before I can look at booze again I really just cannot make myself like it more then twice a year..... God knows I have tried twice to become an alcoholic but, never make it past the second drink!

any-who today is shopping day and this week I hope I don't blow the whole weekly budget in one day! I see some BIG-Time inflation at the grocery store lately and blew my hole budget last week in three hours! Time to get back to my coupon cutting and bargain hunting!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Woke up with RAGE!

it was not even 6:30 a.m. and already it started today!

UGH!

Anyway, what a fantastic way to start the day. I am so tired of this CRAP! Really I am....sometimes I just want to give up and let her flop and deal with whatever happens along the way.... It is getting to a point that I wonder if it will even matter or make a difference what I do or don't do...... just close my eyes and let it happen and see what it turns out to be?

I have pride, and guess I would never be able to just let the chips fall where they may!

This is hard. I have only once in all my life felt the LOVE-Hate fine line dynamic of a relationship and I divorced that one..... No way I can divorce this....but, I do have some issues I need help to deal with. I simply will NOT allow ANYONE to abuse me and there are just days where I do actually feel abused by this child...It creates a whole world of MIXED-UP feelings inside of me.... I will not be a victim ever again and I don't care who the person is. BUT--it is this child and I promised to love her and I do love her but I will not be hit--I will not be called names and I will not be abused! Not by anyone!

so why did they thing an Ex-Victim would be a great placement for an abused child? Some of us respond by acting out what we have experienced and others heal and move on....I would want to be one who has healed but not always sure I am....Maybe I overreact sometimes....because I feel the feelings I do and I am not always able to feel the warm gushy love I think I should?

My Ex-husband was my first love and I loved him for 14 years before I just could not love him anymore. I learned how to hurt and I learned how to TRY with everything to make it work....I learned how to analyze and shrink every little detail of each episode of HELL he offered me....and it did not Fix whatever is the issue with him....He still hit me he still said hateful words he still was hurtful and I did end up giving up on my relationship with him.

I just cannot deal with the intentional mean and nasties...and I don't think this is some kind of syndrome, disorder or whatever all the time..... When do I get to say GET OVER IT and MOVE on?

Anna

sorry for the ranting and negative tone of this posting--I am slightly on the down side today--hope I come back tomorrow.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome & Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorders????

In Oregon Families who Adopt children from foster care have the ongoing support of Oregon Post Adoption Resource Center which has been a life saver for us. It was their office that Talked Me Through the issues last summer and helped me get Makala into the hospital and find help!

Anyway, I have been talking with ORPARC and to help find good respite care. And they just sent me a booklet "Trying Differently Rather Than Harder" By: Diane Malbin, M.S.W.

Oh My Goodness!

I keep wondering WHY NO ONE has done any neurological testing with Makala YET? and What on earth does it actually TAKE in order to get the referral and have these tests done?

Personally, If I was in Charge of the World one of the things I would advise New Adoptive Families to do is take their special need, older and leaving Foster Care Children and HAVE EVERY TEST UNDER THE SUN DONE!

I realize that all of these tests are expensive and may or may not lead to the right care but WHO NEEDS THIS MORE THEN OUR CHILDREN?

Why does it take 2 1/2 years and five different doctors, and therapists to even get to a point where the PARENT is looking for the actual answers. This booklet is 79 pages (small) and I do not have a degree in anything but, can see and identify 100's of reasons why testing is called for and should have been done 2 years ago!

Anyway--I will be working through this whole issue on the site and here and seeing what comes of it.....

Today should be interesting because we have the Company Picnic at the Zoo! Yippy! Last year the picnic was the morning after Makala was released from the hospital....Seems that NOTHING really has improved over this whole year! URGH! Anyway, it should (hopefully) be a FUN day at the Zoo and I have to get myself going or I won't want to go....so I will write more later.....

Saturday, August 06, 2005

School was Great Today and Home is not too bad...

It does appear to be bothering Makala that she cannot be trusted to be safe around Jeremiah. Right now the ONLY place Makala can be is in her room or Where I can See her at all times.....It is NOT always as much fun when you are being watched all the time....
We have had three time outs so far today...... and the have become progressively longer in time.
I have to be totally in control and push EVERY single issue. Today mom said, lets all fold this load of laundry and put everything away and then we can get swim suits on .... Makala vanished and reappeared with her swim suit on....

So Mom had her go back put on her clothes and then we all folded and put away the laundry before going out to play in the water.

The time outs have been all about control things...like sitting on something Jeremiah wants to play with or putting the dang Picnic Chair into the little pool AGAIN even after she was told NOT to just yesterday. And she got a third time out for raging and NOT getting up to take the second time out. She tantrumed and cried and Chanted until I told her that any more noise would be more minutes on the time out....she pushed it and got more minutes....and then more.

I asked her to breath deeply and LISTEN to my words this time...."If you continue to make noise I will put you in your room until dinner. Nothing is going to take time off this time out and the next step WILL BE your room." .....she whimpered but did get herself under control.

After the time out the kids went back to play in the water and Makala ran in to get a rubber band...BUT even without me Asking she said, "One of my rubber bands fell out of my hair and I need to get a new one." Which would have been fine if it had been TRUE. But it was not true she wanted a rubber band to hold towel and I most likely would have given it to her--BUT she thought she HAD to LIE?????

I told her that I didn't understand why she would have to Lie about such a crazy thing because there was NO Reason for it. Had she shared her plan or idea with me I would have had NO PROBLEM with her using a rubber band and the fact she lied it the problem! URGH!
anyway....that is the highlight of my afternoon so far......

Friday, August 05, 2005

When the Smoke Clears....

Yesterday was back to "normal", well NORMAL is a relative term so by that I mean--what we have come to accept as Normal.

Still rough and I still have to be on top of EVERYTHING but at least no one was molested or heard some strange thing come out of Makala's mouth. That would be a good day all things considered lately.....

Yesterday I started using "Progressive Time-Out's" The first time out was 7 mins.....the second time out was 15 mins, the third time out was 30 mins....and so on and so on.... I simply have been telling Makala that the whole IDEA of a time out or any consequences it that it is supposed to be sooooooo terrible that a person decides it is just BETTER NOT to GET INTO TROUBLE in the First Place!

...............and because it does not seem that a 7 min time out is enough trouble that Makala decides to make the best choices Mom will have to work hard and find which consequence is BAD enough that Makala will try all the time NOT to have to face that consequence!

............................and if Makala wants to have "Negative Attention" then FINE by ME because Negative Attention is FREE and I can spend all day long doing that if she wants--besides I like to save money and negative attention is no big costs...Not like going someplace or doing something we can have fun doing.

Overall I feel much better today! I had a long bath last night and got another great night of sleep. Jeremiah is at pre-school until Noon and I am busy doing the things I LIKE TO DO! I think I have most of my energy and HAPPY back now and I can keep on keeping on at least for another while---who knows how long but that is the BEST we can do right now!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Feeling better....today

I must have slept like a rock last night! My back is killing me which only happens when I sleep like a log and don't move all night. Other then that which moving around will make better, I feel pretty good this morning.... THANK YOU, MJ for the phone call last night!

Today is my EASY DAY of the Week. Jeremiah is home all day with me and we just play and rest and have fun. It is GOING to be a HOT day and I love LOVE HOT days! I sure miss San Diego right now. Summer makes me home sick. I wish I could afford to live in style in San Diego---La Jolla maybe..... or when we retire maybe a nice condo on Mission Beach in the middle of all the action.... I miss the REAL Ocean and REAL LIFE when it is Always 75 degrees and only rains two days a year..... hummmmm Of course there really is NOTHING more beautiful then the summer in the Pacific Northwest! It is really very pretty and still very GREEN which is nice.

I can tell this is going to be a HOT day and it is not even 8 am!

Anyway, I am finding that keeping up with my blog is helping me a lot. I keep wondering how on earth ANYONE could have even expected the issues we are dealing with. It is crazy. One moment it is SURE thing RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and the next moment I am sure this is some horrible mental illness that will progress....

So now I am off to clean a few things, play with Jeremiah, work on the website.....watch Jeremiah swim ....soon because he is begging right now! ... Ready--SET--GO!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

....so far so good.

I wonder if sometimes I use the same titles for different post. I feel like I am running out of words!

Aside from the fact that this is all very horrifying to me apparently DHS has to get a report....oh man. I don't care about being an open book to anyone--that should be clear here! But, I hate that my daughter is not getting it and that this could be something that hurts her later in life.

Case Manager suggests we keep her in our sight at all times. Sometimes I just feel like telling people,"OK, you do it and show me how?" Anyway, THIS IS WHAT WE SAID WE COULD NOT DEAL WITH!!! So is anyone going to pitch in and help deal with the fact that we actually did get what we said we could not handle...and now we have to handle it....and it is way more then not letting a 7-year old out of my sight......

But, I hear you and I understand and well, I will keep the plan........ my heart is broken too by the way.

It is 6:00 a.m. and I am ready....

I am up and ready. Today is going to be stressful--hot and we have a late Dr. Appointment..... This morning I go in for my weekly meeting... that should be interesting.

Anyway, I am feeling pretty good. I feel physically better this week and my diet feels like it might be working a little..... I have so many ideas in my head and so little time. Oh Well. Right now, I am still working on the Adoption Assistance (subsidy) changes. Oh Fun!

I feel terrible but I often try to remind myself that WE Love Makala in spite of herself. As hard as it is some days. We know we are the parents she needed and that no matter what happens NO ONE could have tired any harder then we have. I think this is how it is no matter where the child comes from. I sort of had to close my eyes and hope and pray for the older children too. I think all kids make their parents panic at some point or another.

My biggest mistake is HOLDING on to feelings for too long. I have to be careful this time because that only hurts the chance of us getting over this. I have to be a safe mom, and I have to show the unconditional love and forgiveness--BUT at the same time teach responsibility and choices and all that important stuff. This kind of parenting is WAY more "do as you see me do" rather then the "do as I say, not as I do" way that I parented the older kids. A completely different set of needs, and everything.

Sometimes my heart just breaks over the life I was able to give to the older children. But, when I think about it I know that I did my best and there were mistakes. I guess it is going to be true for Makala and Jeremiah too. Anyway, it is getting late and I have to start the day.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Oh My Gosh and a bunch of other Why Why Why's

well, it is unbelievable just how far this child wants to push me. and God knows that she could have the world at her feet....but, Why Why Why....why.... Not even worth adding the ? question marks because the Whys just don't matter to me anymore

It was the typical afternoon and Makala had to pretend that she did not know why Jeremiah was soooooooooo upset...and that she had no idea that her foot was ON his Gummy Bear--at the bottom of the pool....all he wanted was his gummy bear and she just didn't realize her foot was on it......out of the pool for a time out....tantrum fit--RAGE!!! No way is mom going to take it today....

Long LONG LONG time OUT! Long enough that she GAVE UP the attitude and stopped RAGING and I got a few words in....Like that I don't mind giving her Negative Attention because it is FREE and I am saving a lot of money because negative attention is easy enough for me to give her if this is what she really wants.

When it was over she did a good turn (Girl Scout Talk) and emptied the cat box! Wow nice job Makala! I was really so happy....and I called mom and not 2-minutes later JUST had that FUNNY FEELING and sure enough I walked into the play room where Makala was in one of her acting out stages and inappropriate. Clearly sexualized behaviors.

I called the Day Treatment center and her case manager called me right back and told me to put Makala in her room with her alarm on the door. Feed her let her go to the bathroom and blah blah blah so I am keeping a log and well what a wonderful odd feeling to have a child in a room with an alarm on it....urgh....how odd how hard this is.....I am so tired of being on guard....I guess the alarm really does reduce my stress and make the home safe.....I just wish things could be normal...What is Normal anyway? Why? and who the HELL caused these issues in the life of this BEAUTIFUL little girl....I wish that person was in a room with an alarm right now....or dead.... anyway......another rough day in my life....my heart just keeps breaking,

Monday, August 01, 2005

Spending some time Making some changes

It seems very clear that when you do the same things expecting a different result then it is a waiste of your time....

If something is not working then the only way to fix it is to change the something.

.....so, that is what I am spending some time thinking about this morning. Both Andrew and the State Adoption Assistance (subsidy) has to be cleared up on a few issues and both need to cough-up the right amount to see to it that I am able to provide them with everything I have on the LIST.

My oldeer kids had enrichment activities and that was when I didn't have anything. I don't even know how we ever afforded the things we were able to give to the older kids, but dang-it they did have enough and exactly the right level of involvement in extra activities. They didn't have ALL the new things but they did get some things that WERE all the Rage. They had as many books as they could read and I could afford. Nintendo and some special things were always updated.

My oldest son had Tiek-won-do and some other classes at the Rec Center, Cub and Boy Scouts, and music tools his SAX! And my oldest daughter had Ballet, and was in a Pageant when she was 7, and Girl Scouts, and her Art Supplies and a lot of things little girls like.

So these costs are going to need to be fully covered--Andrew!

and, I will make sure they are because I am going to re-do the Adoption Assistance with the Exact and Correct dollar amounts I need and for what they are needed to cover. Of course, Andrew that will not include the things that WE NEED in General, therefore these costs are above and over our "General Budget" each week. So this is in addition to MY Weekly Budget, Dear.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Yesterday was wonderful!

It was such a great day Yesterday! My oldest son came over to help with some lawn work and earn a few dollars. And Tori and Will came over in the afternoon and will needed to change the spark plugs on his truck. Will's father went to Germany to race in the Dragon Boats. Makala was minding enough--right on the edge but OK--and we all BBQ ed.

It was a real nice gathering and the food turned out to be great! We had Ice Cream Cones after dinner. Makala tossed the Kitten in the Sprinkler and tried to pretend she didn't do anything wrong or that she had no idea why that might not be OK.... DUH! Anyway, everyone had a nice time even the Kitten the older Kids were pretty hard on Makala about the Kitten in the Sprinkler episode... Makala ended up feeling pretty bad about it--or so it appeared anyway--I guess you can never know for sure. Makala is such a great liar lately.

I am planning to start giving myself far more breaks! Since no one here seems to care what the 'quality' of food is around this house I am going to start giving them the easy stuff! Really why make it hard on myself and give them something to gobble up without thinking about it. That is what happens anyway. Andrew is going to be getting some Nights in charge of the kids.

Friday, July 29, 2005

ahhhhhh!

It has been a good day!

Makala came home from day treatment today and I, as usual, read her notebook (we exchange details daily) and had to laugh because yesterday one of the big events was finding Makala with the New Kitty (13 weeks old) Swinging him on the swing set...Of course Makala thought the swing was empty and didn't Notice that Tommy Jr. was Actually in it.... --lie--[ lie ]--lie! So I wrote it in the book this morning....

Apparently Makala had to take care of a 'stuffed bunny' and call him 'Kitty-Kitty' all day and everyone knows you cannot play basketball, ride the bikes, run through a sprinkler or do much of anything else when you are taking care of a small animal... And you cannot leave the animal laying around, or hold him by his neck...or do much else when you are looking after a helpless little animal....

It appears she will be taking care of "Kitty-Kitty" again tomorrow because another thing you cannot do is trap a kitty in your brothers closet and then pretend you have no idea that the kitty is trapped in the closet when you are found in your brothers room with the door shut which is also aggainst the rules....and then they lie part is really not a great idea especially when your mother tells you that YOU will sit on the wood floor in front of the sliding door for as long as it takes to tell the truth (but only until bedtime) even if it means that breakfast will be on the wood floor in front of the sliding doors....

eventually I suppose it is actually better to confess even if your words were true (which they were not because mom really is NOT an idiot )

On the GREAT note we had our swim play date and EVERYTHING went completely WELL and wonderful and thank goodness! It was great fun and I was so happy to have a nice afternoon and catch up on old things....

We stopped at the store and Makala did NOT touch anything! WOW! WOW! Big praises and High Five's for that......

Nice to have a little break and a decent day! One at a time is good enough for me....I take what I can get!

This is my LATE NIGHT the only night of the week I feel safe to let my inner insomniac out and stay up too late.... I try to keep my agenda clean for Friday mornings while Jeremiah is at pre-school and I can just do NOTHING! I am a real night owl usually but, simply have had to force myself to bed EARLY just so I can KEEP UP the next day! I sure hope when these kids get a little older I can let that side of me back out....I love the NIGHT time....No one rings the phone, knocks on the door and the air is cool! I love the night time dark...I always wonder why a night owl is so affected by the lack of sunlight here in the Pacific Northwest it just seems like an oxi-morone to me that I love the night--but the dark days bum me out?

Well, on to other stuff....

Thursday, July 28, 2005

....the constant efforts

Well, this morning I do feel a lot better! It is so hard to stay consistent all the time and not let up on it. But, Makala is the kind of kid that if you let anything go once--she assumes this means that she has expressed permission to do the same things any time she wants in the future! UGH!

For example the other night she was so helpful putting things away after dinner and I watched her put the Blueberries away and as she did so she took a small handful of blueberries out and ate them... No Big deal right? Except that not 10 mins later I turned around and saw her getting two HUGE handfuls of blueberries out of the Fridge! WHY?--well I had not corrected her on the first time that I saw her take some so therefore that means that she can take more again and as many as she wants whenever she wants!

Seems reasonable to me!

The fact is that with this kid I have to BUST her every time NO Matter how silly it seems! AND this is HARD because I end up feeling like a bitch all the time--Nag Nag Nag and never letting her take an inch! I drive myself crazy because I am always ON HER because one time getting away with something seems to mean she can just do it all the time and geeeeeeeee will this ever change?

It seems to go right along with the selective memory. Makala can remember that I ran a red light 2 years ago but not that we have told her 3000 times that KIDs are NOT allowed in the Garage! Or that every night we brush out teeth! She can remember that ONE time I did not say anything about getting a few blueberries but she cannot remember that I have said WE NEVER GIVE THE NEW KITTEN A BATH!

Personally, this is driving me CRAZY! If anyone reading this journal has any ideas to HELP I would love your comments! Please feel free to Comment on this Journal on any entry about ANYTHING! If your input won't help me I am sure it will help someone else!

Some of these issues have taken so long to identify as issues or problems. I cannot believe how long it has taken to GET to Know this child and what makes her tick! It has been 2 and a half years and I still feel like there are days when I do NOT know what she is all about!

...........anyway I am concerned about the Swimming this afternoon. I have NOT taken Makala around too many NORMAL kids due to never knowing What the Heck she might do or say! I can hardly keep a friendship up with anyone who has children. My VERY best friend from High School has Twin daughters age 6 and so far our children have NOT met or played together.... How paranoid am I? But, I would sure hate to have a 25 year old friendship lost because my daughter did something crazy to my friends twins! YIKES!

Hopefully, limited and directly supervised activities will help? I guess today will be the first test of this idea. Please hope and pray that my beautiful daughter behaves properly today!

Anyway, I am off to work a little bit on the website! Wow is that a ton of work and moving so much slower then I ever thought it would move!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

The Staple Remover

Well we just got back from the doctors office, Makala had the staples removed from the back of her head! It was difficult for the doctor not to show pity and give her a sucker on the way out...But, Mom had said this was not going to be a treat time... If the accident had been something other then a tantrum it would have been a different story!

I am feeling much better today... Trying not to be a cranky or crabby or any other not so nice way!

So far things have gone well the last two days... So at least I know I can take a break emotionally for a day or two.

Tori will be helping us out soooooo much! She has agreed to do an all weekend respite for us August 13-14! YIPPY! Tori of all people on earth can deal with this junk! Anyway....right now I am getting ready to take the family out for dinner...It is 97 degrees and I am NOT COOKING tonight

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I should make some calls....

I should have spent my time this morning doing anything useful...

I didn't but instead just played here at my website! www.happymomanna.com Yes--I am really still Happy deep inside.

I should call mom she is likely wondering how today is going? Or I should finally get around to calling for the eye exams or other 50 things I need to call about... Oh well.

Makala should be home in about 45 mins. and Jeremiah poohed in his pants "because he wanted to" Oh JOY! Time to clean him up and give him a good long time out.
When I get finished I will call mom and let her know I am feeling better....

When the support system needs Respite!

For awhile I am going to need to write my feelings out. Our support system is running low and burnning out and feeling helpless for us. Time for the family and friends to have a little break from my needs of support and a shoulder to cry on... Everyone Take a Break and rest up for awhile and REMEMBER we are the adults and we knew what we were getting into when we adopted our special needs children from Foster Care...

We completely understand that YOU may not have made this choice in your lives. And we also recognize that our leaning on you was not something you had the time to think about like we did.
No matter what the issues are Andrew and I knew these things were possible when we started down this road. So even when we are at the end or our rope we were still prepaired for all the stress we are facing.... SURE we hoped we would not be one of the families who had a long story to tell and we would have rather been a family who found NO Problems along the way. BUT we knew these things were possible and we knew we might have enough to write a book about when we started out.

YES--we need some respite for ourselves and we need to take a weekend vacation just to remember why we did this in the first place. And YES--we might have to make some heart breaking choices along the way...and YES there are days I cry and cry but REMEMBER that this was an educated decssion and WE ARE STRONG even when we tell the tales that make you shudder and wonder why or how we can deal with all that we face.

We DO NOT REGREAT OUR CHOICE TO ADOPT SIBLINGS FROM THE FOSTER CARE SYSTEM OR TO FACE THE SPECIAL NEEDS OUR CHILDREN HAVE. WE KNOW THIS IS STRESSFUL AND WE DO UNDERSTAND WHAT WE GOT OURSELVES INTO...AND WE HAVE ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD THIS...

We know that WE must take care of ourselves first in order to take care of the children. That is part of why we blubber so much to YOU.

Remember that Andrew and I DO NOT HAVE A SINGLE OTHER THING IN OUR LIVES TO WORRY ABOUT! Nothing. We have no debts, we have no life threatening medical conditions, we have our RETIREMENT saved and we have NEW CARS, no real bills, and nothing besides Makala and Jeremiah to think about or worry over. My oldest son has his Bachalor Degree and starts Grad School in the Fall and Tori is one year from having her Degree and starting her Grad School. Unless they are complete screw-ups they should have a fantastic start in life!

At this time we do not see any sign of Grand Children or even a Wedding to Stress out about.
Besides the Weeds in the Yard and What we have for Dinner there really is NOTHING else to think about except the little ones we love with all our hearts. YEP--this has been a little harder then I expected and while liiving in it seems to take forever but, the fact is that the hard years of parenting go by much faster once they are done then while we are living in them.

Makala may or may not ever be fully OK. But, in 10 1/2 years this child will be an adult! That is NOT a very long time people! Heck Jeremiah will be an adult in 15 years and I am sorry but when I look back on life 15 years ago--seems like yesterday!

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I think GOD that my oldest son and Tori were the KIDS they were and caused me but a few days of stress and trouble along the way. I know that the life they had was VERY different then the life Makala and Jeremiah have and the older kids are doing pretty fine all things considered. I have no doubt that Makala and Jeremiah will be fine in the end.

I know that most people could NOT do what we have done. AND I respect this fact and understand completely. I know that most mom's are not the same as me and that most husbands and wives might not be able to deal with the issues we have. BUT I also Know that GOD is 100% involved in all of this and that I have faith even when I am in tears.

REMEMBER who De Anna really is... She is the little girl who could not watch the news because she would FEEL too much. She is the little Girl who CRIES at parades and who has WAY to much emotion for her own Good. Keep in Mind that De Anna is the person who without something to worry about will make something else up or find a cause to consume the endless hours of awake time that there is. If I were not stressed out about this adventure I would be stressing about my Roses or Tomatoe plants.... or whatever job I decided to take on.

I am much Happier Stressing out about the HUMAN life I love then some Insurance Clients Policy or the Horrible Claim they might have. I found that STRESS to be a lower value in my daily life while insurance is important and people need it especially in the time of loss....My working as an Agent was of little personal satisfaction compaired to the blessings that Adopting Makala and Jeremiah are and always will be to my spirit and whole life.


WHAT WOULD I BE DOING RIGHT NOW IF I WAS NOT A MOTHER?

I cannot think of many things that could possiblly matter more to me then Makala and Jeremiah at this time therefore when I am crying on the Phone remember I would have been SOMETHING anyway that brought those tears....I CRY alot and it is WHO I am and WHO I have always been. Far better that I CRY for this reason then for the roses or the insurance customer who is upset at the High Costs their kids cause thier car policy! All the Prozac on the earth will NOT take away the Passion of my spirit and I feel much better putting my Tears and Passion to this use then ANYTHING else I could even imagine!

Thanks Everyone I love you all--Just remember who De Anna is and this will all make sense to you!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Meds? I think they help!

Well, the past few weeks have made things pretty clear if you ask me! It seems we have two choices....

1) Medication with the side effects or
2) a child who is ALWAYS suffering from a consequence, has alarms on her door and is so out of control that our whole family is suffering and at risk for God only knows what next!

We have 7 screens in our home torn and ripped from whatever it is that seems to cause this little girl to pick and poke at anything she has been told to leave alone! This weekend she ripped up another screen in order to put her little brothers toys out on the second floor ledge!
Then yesterday while we got ready to go to a big swim party at a friends house--Daddy asked Makala to sit on the Patio for a little while (she was causing problems with little brother) Makala said, "NO--No--No--No" and refused.

So mom told Makala to sit in the kitchen at the table where Makala bounced the chair up and down on the floor. Mom said, "sit on the floor" and of course heard NO again....Mom helped Makala sit on the floor which was easier said then done.....
Then we heard Makala say, "Police"

She had called 911 to report that 2-years ago mom ran a red light! Funny she can remember a mistake mom made two years ago but not one other damn word we tell her?
Of course the police came--and again we were facing that moment when our lives could have been flushed in an instant! Thank GOD I was able to talk our way through it without any action... But WHAT IF? And what if she starts with False Allegations? My God the police could have taken both kids into care yesterday and what in the world would that have done to Jeremiah?

I called the day treatment emergency line and talked with the Shrink thankfully this one has met and worked with Makala. The shrink asked if we had any of the old medication around which normally I would have tossed and luckily found (must have known in the back of my mind) and we gave her Risperdahl and Clonidine....Within hours she was stable and able to function at some NORMAL mood level. She even went to bed without needing the door alarm!
I am sorry but I am at the point I would rather see her gain 200 pounds and lay around like a zombie then have her sit in one time our after another and call 911--yell fire--try to trip her daddy--bash her head so hard she has to have staples in it.

My support system is worried about ME..... How much can a mother endure? I have had back surgery, and live in constant pain over the first attack....I have climbed every mountain I can find to help this child. I have been consistent to the letter every day....I have talked, and not talked, taken toys and given rewards, I have done everything anyone can suggest and yet she just escalates things.

I am starting to think about residential treatment. I know this is a last resort but my goodness how many weekends, how many days doe we have to live in this kind of stress?

WE don't have ANY PROBLEMS NONE we live in complete security we do not have money problems we do not fight, we do not have any problem in our life yet our home is constantly in stress! Not a freaking day goes by where there is not something some reason some problems that MAKALA has caused!

How long do we have to wait for Attachment and why the HELL is Attachment the ONLY freaking thing they want to call her issues. I watch enough day-time TV to see that there are parents who have kids like this who were NOT adopted.... These parents OFTEN get help and the advice I get it to rock her like a baby and stick to the consistent expectations....GIVE ME A BREAK! Just because this child is adopted does NOT mean every thing is because of this I am so sick and tired of the COP-OUT!

Her stories of abuse are not all that dramatic! When I was a kid every kid had her story or WORSE and WE LIVED. Heck when I was in 5th grade I got paddled so often one day my teacher decided to hit the sofa in the room instead of me so the Kids would hear the whacks and have fun doing the count....My teacher was so sick of giving me the paddle she just could not bring herself to do it that day!

I didn't die. YEP Makala had a real hard start in her life but good grief why isn't anyone telling her to just deal and move on. We are still wallowing in the same pain all the therapists have wanted to address--her painful memories have been drawn and drawn and told so often I doubt she even really remembers them anymore. Oh lets talk about all the bad stuff you remember when you were 3! Good god! She is 7 now she has been away from that life nearly as long as she lived it in the first place! Jeremiah is almost the age Makala was when the kids were put in care.
If I sat around reliving all the HELL it was to be a battered wife I would NOT be a very good wife for my husband today.

If I had to draw pictures of what it felt like to be raped by my husband or beaten for buying donuts for his lunch I would never know how to be a real wife today! I got over it because I let it out once and moved on...Not because I sat around and thought about it every day or because my second husband was freaking forced to hear about that old life over and over....If I sat here and told my husband the horrible stories about the first man I married He would treat me like crap too....because I would feel like crap and expect to be treated like crap and it would all be a self fulfilling prophecy!

I don't think I have had to tell Andrew too many stories about that old life in order for me to learn that HE is NOT that man and will not treat me the way my first husband did. If I spent all day swelling on that stuff I would still be a battered wife.

My oldest son had his leg severed once and reattached. We don't sit around and act like his leg is still severed. We thank God it is attached and even though it will never be the same he has his leg and he has the ability to overcome the fact that once it was not hooked on his body but laying in the street.... The LEG is NOT on the street anymore...I am not a battered wife anymore...Makala is NOT living in a life of abuse and neglect anymore!

Maybe all this over educated outside assistance is the problem. Maybe these people don't have any true life experience and they sit around getting all gooey over the books they study and have no basis in reality?

Even biological children can be little shits! I watched Brat Camp and only two of those children were adopted!

I am sick and tired of everything being about the freaking adoption. If she doesn't like the family we are or appreciate that she has the world on a silver platter then I don't know what else I can possibly give her. As it stands right now we have had to reduce her world to such a tight circle that she doesn't even know the lap of luxury she is actually living in! How many children have gone to Disneyland three times in 2 1/2 years? How many children have the amount of love and attention I am ABLE to give her?

My older children had one hell of a terrible childhood. They watched me get hit and hurt or listened to fighting every weekend. They heard one F-You fight after another, lived a life of total hell for years and YET they are not all messed up and looking to suffer. I wish to God I could have given them even HALF what we have to offer Makala.

Can you tell this MOM is on a real low note today? It is HARD I feel so alone. My support system is doing what they can and I don't know what else they could even say or do but, even they are tired and at a loss for words.... Yes--WE need RESPITE and YES we need a break! And so?????? Tell me something I don't know.

But, I do know that a Good Mom does not give up. I do know that I have to keep my feelings in control. I do know that sometimes God does actually fix things...that faith can move a mountain....that prayers are sometimes actually answered.... I don't think I expect too much....I don't think that wanting My child to have as close to a normal childhood as possible is an unreasonable expectation. I don't think that it is anyone Else's responsibility to step in and raise these children.

When will we see some light at the end of the tunnel?

Thursday, July 21, 2005

step--step--one step at a time....

It seems that about every 90 days I reach a breaking point and have some sort of an emotional outburst or blow out.... Of course, it is usually also right around PMS time too.... This week has been one of those times for me...
Everyone who knows me has told me this week they are worried about me.......... I don't like having other people worry about ME! Don't they all know I am supper human mom and NOTHING can get me so down that I cannot find my way up? Ha! Ha! that would be a joke by the way...... sometimes a good laugh can change everything. Of course, as Grandpa used to say, "Sometimes a good cry does you good too!" I had a good cry last night.
EVERYONE--I will be fine! I am the grown up here and much as it might seem that I need to take care of myself--I really do guys--Honest! I promise!
Life is NEVER as easy as we think it should be.

I see it this way everybody:
No matter what my life could have been like today---I would, by nature, find some reason to WORK hard and worry a little and sometimes a lot. I could be all wrapped up in my garden or in some other project--or interfering with older kid's venture into adulthood...I could be out raising money for the Homeless or stressing out about some self imposed goal I set for myself...I could have gone back to college and be all worked up over keeping a 4.0. I could be out working 8 hours in an office with those women who told me that they don't need children because they have their clients....I could be all stressed out because at the age of 42 my life is possibly more then half way over.....I could find a million things to get worked up over and I have found reasons all my life so Why NOT make that reason the lives of my daughter--if anyone needed my Worry to be spent on them--She is reason enough.
...........I cannot think of many things that could possibly be more important to stress--worry and cry about then a Child who deserved a better start in life. When you are a mom it really is your job to be the NUMBER one person worried....and praying and full of hope that maybe--just maybe--this worry and this LOVE will change a child's life.
I have not broken YET. And God knows that in my PAST I had some pretty great reasons to throw my hands up in the air and fall to the ground in a heap of despair..... I did not die during all those times and I don't think I will die now.
Yes--by the simple fact that we adopted children who had a horrible start in life I CHOSE to walk this path. and YES, this has been 1,000 times harder then it sounded on paper. BUT, at least I went in knowing that it might be a long hard road. I didn't get this chance to make a choice so many times in my past.
When I married Tom, I didn't have any idea that marriage meant something completely different to him...I had no clue the mountains that life would put for me to climb. That night when the phone rang and my oldest son was so badly hurt--No one did a home study to see if my life could deal with the implications of his injury...or the two years of intense recovery and I most surely would not have chosen that! BUT--I lived on everyone and became much STRONGER for it all.
All the hard and painful things I lived through has made me who I am. And this too will make me stronger and wiser in the end.
I always have known I want to write one day--I used to say that I would need to live for awhile to even know what I really wanted to write about-or to have the credibility to write anything from experience...I have felt that life has all been a means of Backing Up the ACT I live.....
Yes, I knew I was strong all along but without the story I had little proof.
So......call this my education my validation my proof that I am strong and I can do whatever I decide I can do no matter how long and hard that road really is....I can deal with it and I will live to tell my story...

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