Sunday, February 06, 2005

More clear and calm and able to cope!

All of you have NO idea what your words of support mean to me and my family. Or maybe you do... either way--Thanks so much your emails sure help me a lot!....

First of all to those of you who emailed me with some more insight and some of your own situations and advice--THANKS! This private communication has affected my viewpoint and attitude beyond anything on earth.... There is some strange sense of peace that I feel knowing I am not living in a WORLD of insane misunderstandings every where I turn! :eek:

Someone GREAT and well respected pointed out that We should not send DHS unasked for information! Thanks for reminding me that Children's services generally removes children and then asks questions! Wow how could I forget this! ::

So I am going to simply rewrite the NEEDS petition in order to set up Respite care. We need it way too much to let this continue to be a thought instead of taking action! In Oregon this request will be part of the Adoption Subsidy and goes through that office. We have never made a change to our petition since it was originally made. So I am hopeful that under the circumstance that it will be approved without too many question. That and Our subsidy for Jeremiah was opened only for $50.00 a month as we did not know his real needs at the time....and he is now clearly qualified for more.... Seems that on any given day if one kid is doing well the attention to the other comes back into focus....URG! This is WHY two sibling adoption are much more difficult then they look on paper.

I have also decided that it is not exactly a smart idea to even suggest False Allegation if there are not any yet.... GEE that would sort of indicate that maybe we are afraid of something?????

I have been able to pinpoint why I got so deeply out of control thinking about this problem! It was the phrasing the Day Treatment Case manager used when we talked that set me off.... The whole "we had to document" issue. Added to the fact that I am not very sure they are aware of the TIME and MEMORY problems Makala really does have.... and the innuendo that My husband lies around in boxers... The truth is that my husband weight 128 pounds on a fat day... He is a MAN who would rather not show his skinny legs or arms even on the hottest summer day. He own one pair of shorts which double as his swim trunks! He slept fully dressed more then I liked even before we adopted our kids--because his bonny knees and elbows hurt when the bump me! So....unless they actually understand he is not the kind of man to SHOW his body I assume they think that perhaps he is just one of those kind of guys who would watch the football game while in his boxer's and not notice anything falling out..... I have been married to that kind of man before....But also don't think this should be a REASON that a 6-year old gets all hot and bothered....the older children never did! They just got disgusted!

The day treatment program completely amazes me. The notebook that we send back and fourth has been a life saver! Yesterday I scribbled out what appeared to be a sort of panic attack...sorry but I think it is PMS and I am fearful that I am entering menopause. I expressed that we are feeling so HOME LOCKED and concerned about our own Liability at home and in the community.... That we FEAR the words our daughter uses and the things she says about her life....and that we basically live everyday worried half to death to even answer our phone in the even another parent wants to tell us how our daughter molested their child again....

The notebook came home last night with so much helpful validation. Her Case manager made it very clear that her history makes the odds of a false memory and/or allegation less then something to be worried about. That she is IN the program in the first place and for the primary reason of the sexualized behaviors. He assured me that False allegations which come out of the thin air are treated very different then a family who has begged for help for two years would be. That makes more sense to me then anything.... I still feel vulnerable however....but a lot less.

He also set an appointment up for me to counsel with the PARENT and Family therapists at the center. Where I can talk about why and how I feel so much stress about this matter.

He has also set a HOME Visit up for all day (9-5) next Saturday. Tow of Makala's regular staff will come to our home and sort of like the new reality shows with the Nanny's interact in our environment. I actually do like this fact. They do this with all families we just have not had our home visits planned yet. They like to understand what the child lives like at home...and they like to know when she talks about home what home looks like.

I hate to sound like a snob but I know that the only children in this program are under our State Health insurance plan. They do not accept private insurance and they do not provide service to people NOT on the health plan....So the SNOB that I am tells me that the majority of families they deal with do not have the same standard of living that we do.... Sorry to be a Snob but in this case I sort of feel this way.... I can imagine that the majority of families they deal with are not like us....Even our caseworker for our Homestudy asked WHY we didn't go private infant adoption as it was clear to him we could have.... Snobby snobby snobby I know---but, The day treatment center will understand after they visit that Makala does NOT live in a house with a beer drinking daddy who lays around in his boxers....

He drinks his beer in the garage! sitting between the 64 Corvette and the 80 Ferrari! .....snobby snobby snobby I know!

They have no idea what we do give our children and the future that we are able to offer to them. They have no idea about our lifestyle and that we are actually cultured--educated and not the average family...

Of course the fact that we are doing as well as we do has it's downfalls too. It means our social circle is NOT at all accustom to dealing with the issues our children do have. AND most of our circle is so busy acting like we are Saints that they are literally unable to be supportive as we could use. They are so star struck with the great deed we have done...that most assume Makala would act like little orphan Annie and dance with joy that we picked her.....NOT how it is or even how it should be....but, SNOBS don't get that.

Even my mother said something to the same effect to me yesterday.... She said, "I keep trying to think about how I would have felt to go from living in a shopping cart to living in your home and I cannot understand why Makala is not thrilled that you give her the life you do?" Right MOM.

So I said--Mom I try to imagine how Makala feels too and how I would have felt in her situation.... And I can tell you that I would have still LOVED you and still been a problem for anyone who tried to take your place..."

Mom just said--well, neither of us lived in a shopping cart and we have great moms and families.

I had to drop the conversation because I don't need to hurt my mom and remind her that maybe I didn't grow up in a shopping cart but I was the baby to a mother who was 16 and I did have a pretty rough and painful childhood to overcome...GEE I don't why she forgets about the HORRORS of the life I lived....???

When we talk about the sexualized issues my mother cannot seem to understand why one child -- ME-- lived through the things I did and turned out OK....and why Makala has so many problems about something she apparently cannot even remember..... I just have to remind her that for some reason I was NOT the average child and all those things that did happen to me....happened to make me the MOMMY I am today and gave me the skill to identify those evil people who do abuse little children...I hate knowing HOW those people work....and what they think and the SECRETS they know.... But I actually do and I have protected a lot of kids because I do....

Sexual abuse of children is the most ugly thing on this earth.... I do intend to have a long talk with the Good Lord when I get there about why child sexual abuse HAD to be given to Satin's power and ability.... God really could have drawn a line there if you ask me...! There are so many things he could have done to take that power away from evil.... This will be a big bone of contention between HE and I. Maybe if He decides to go another round of human experimentation He will remove this from the next earth.... I would like to be in charge of this issue if he decides to try again....

So my plan:

1) I am going to put together the WHOLE history of everything in ONE NOTEBOOK. I am going to organize the documentation that I have.... Make a copy of it all and file the originals in the safety deposit box with the other important papers. And then Maintain a correct record of the documentation's from here on out.

2) As advised by one of the great people who PMed me--I am going to ask Makala's former (my current) Attachment Therapist to WRITE some kind of statement and Keep a copy in my car and purse at all times.

3) We have an appointment with the Alarm company (We already have basic wiring in the house which we forgot about because we canceled the service as Someone is Always HERE) and create an alarm system that I can control interior doors and windows being opened...

4) In addition to the Nanny Cam we have in the play room...we are installing one in the upstairs hall and downstairs in the Family Room. We will keep them running on a video loop.

5) The safety plan for my husband and older son WILL be highly regulated and neither of them will at anytime be alone with her at all. There have been a few situations where I have felt comfortable with the Mothers Helper we have hired to be the second eyes...but I have decided that this is NOT part of her job description She is here to help with cleaning and general supervision but NOT to be the second set of eyes... Her job is toilet cleaning and picking up the things on the floor due to my back pain... NOT to TAKE care of MY children.....

6) I am going to be sure that the Day Treatment is aware of the Overall picture of our home, and Makala's past. I think there may be some gaps with the info they do have.

and I am going to go one day at a time! Today--I am resting...


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