Monday, July 25, 2005

Meds? I think they help!

Well, the past few weeks have made things pretty clear if you ask me! It seems we have two choices....

1) Medication with the side effects or
2) a child who is ALWAYS suffering from a consequence, has alarms on her door and is so out of control that our whole family is suffering and at risk for God only knows what next!

We have 7 screens in our home torn and ripped from whatever it is that seems to cause this little girl to pick and poke at anything she has been told to leave alone! This weekend she ripped up another screen in order to put her little brothers toys out on the second floor ledge!
Then yesterday while we got ready to go to a big swim party at a friends house--Daddy asked Makala to sit on the Patio for a little while (she was causing problems with little brother) Makala said, "NO--No--No--No" and refused.

So mom told Makala to sit in the kitchen at the table where Makala bounced the chair up and down on the floor. Mom said, "sit on the floor" and of course heard NO again....Mom helped Makala sit on the floor which was easier said then done.....
Then we heard Makala say, "Police"

She had called 911 to report that 2-years ago mom ran a red light! Funny she can remember a mistake mom made two years ago but not one other damn word we tell her?
Of course the police came--and again we were facing that moment when our lives could have been flushed in an instant! Thank GOD I was able to talk our way through it without any action... But WHAT IF? And what if she starts with False Allegations? My God the police could have taken both kids into care yesterday and what in the world would that have done to Jeremiah?

I called the day treatment emergency line and talked with the Shrink thankfully this one has met and worked with Makala. The shrink asked if we had any of the old medication around which normally I would have tossed and luckily found (must have known in the back of my mind) and we gave her Risperdahl and Clonidine....Within hours she was stable and able to function at some NORMAL mood level. She even went to bed without needing the door alarm!
I am sorry but I am at the point I would rather see her gain 200 pounds and lay around like a zombie then have her sit in one time our after another and call 911--yell fire--try to trip her daddy--bash her head so hard she has to have staples in it.

My support system is worried about ME..... How much can a mother endure? I have had back surgery, and live in constant pain over the first attack....I have climbed every mountain I can find to help this child. I have been consistent to the letter every day....I have talked, and not talked, taken toys and given rewards, I have done everything anyone can suggest and yet she just escalates things.

I am starting to think about residential treatment. I know this is a last resort but my goodness how many weekends, how many days doe we have to live in this kind of stress?

WE don't have ANY PROBLEMS NONE we live in complete security we do not have money problems we do not fight, we do not have any problem in our life yet our home is constantly in stress! Not a freaking day goes by where there is not something some reason some problems that MAKALA has caused!

How long do we have to wait for Attachment and why the HELL is Attachment the ONLY freaking thing they want to call her issues. I watch enough day-time TV to see that there are parents who have kids like this who were NOT adopted.... These parents OFTEN get help and the advice I get it to rock her like a baby and stick to the consistent expectations....GIVE ME A BREAK! Just because this child is adopted does NOT mean every thing is because of this I am so sick and tired of the COP-OUT!

Her stories of abuse are not all that dramatic! When I was a kid every kid had her story or WORSE and WE LIVED. Heck when I was in 5th grade I got paddled so often one day my teacher decided to hit the sofa in the room instead of me so the Kids would hear the whacks and have fun doing the count....My teacher was so sick of giving me the paddle she just could not bring herself to do it that day!

I didn't die. YEP Makala had a real hard start in her life but good grief why isn't anyone telling her to just deal and move on. We are still wallowing in the same pain all the therapists have wanted to address--her painful memories have been drawn and drawn and told so often I doubt she even really remembers them anymore. Oh lets talk about all the bad stuff you remember when you were 3! Good god! She is 7 now she has been away from that life nearly as long as she lived it in the first place! Jeremiah is almost the age Makala was when the kids were put in care.
If I sat around reliving all the HELL it was to be a battered wife I would NOT be a very good wife for my husband today.

If I had to draw pictures of what it felt like to be raped by my husband or beaten for buying donuts for his lunch I would never know how to be a real wife today! I got over it because I let it out once and moved on...Not because I sat around and thought about it every day or because my second husband was freaking forced to hear about that old life over and over....If I sat here and told my husband the horrible stories about the first man I married He would treat me like crap too....because I would feel like crap and expect to be treated like crap and it would all be a self fulfilling prophecy!

I don't think I have had to tell Andrew too many stories about that old life in order for me to learn that HE is NOT that man and will not treat me the way my first husband did. If I spent all day swelling on that stuff I would still be a battered wife.

My oldest son had his leg severed once and reattached. We don't sit around and act like his leg is still severed. We thank God it is attached and even though it will never be the same he has his leg and he has the ability to overcome the fact that once it was not hooked on his body but laying in the street.... The LEG is NOT on the street anymore...I am not a battered wife anymore...Makala is NOT living in a life of abuse and neglect anymore!

Maybe all this over educated outside assistance is the problem. Maybe these people don't have any true life experience and they sit around getting all gooey over the books they study and have no basis in reality?

Even biological children can be little shits! I watched Brat Camp and only two of those children were adopted!

I am sick and tired of everything being about the freaking adoption. If she doesn't like the family we are or appreciate that she has the world on a silver platter then I don't know what else I can possibly give her. As it stands right now we have had to reduce her world to such a tight circle that she doesn't even know the lap of luxury she is actually living in! How many children have gone to Disneyland three times in 2 1/2 years? How many children have the amount of love and attention I am ABLE to give her?

My older children had one hell of a terrible childhood. They watched me get hit and hurt or listened to fighting every weekend. They heard one F-You fight after another, lived a life of total hell for years and YET they are not all messed up and looking to suffer. I wish to God I could have given them even HALF what we have to offer Makala.

Can you tell this MOM is on a real low note today? It is HARD I feel so alone. My support system is doing what they can and I don't know what else they could even say or do but, even they are tired and at a loss for words.... Yes--WE need RESPITE and YES we need a break! And so?????? Tell me something I don't know.

But, I do know that a Good Mom does not give up. I do know that I have to keep my feelings in control. I do know that sometimes God does actually fix things...that faith can move a mountain....that prayers are sometimes actually answered.... I don't think I expect too much....I don't think that wanting My child to have as close to a normal childhood as possible is an unreasonable expectation. I don't think that it is anyone Else's responsibility to step in and raise these children.

When will we see some light at the end of the tunnel?

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