Thursday, July 21, 2005

step--step--one step at a time....

It seems that about every 90 days I reach a breaking point and have some sort of an emotional outburst or blow out.... Of course, it is usually also right around PMS time too.... This week has been one of those times for me...
Everyone who knows me has told me this week they are worried about me.......... I don't like having other people worry about ME! Don't they all know I am supper human mom and NOTHING can get me so down that I cannot find my way up? Ha! Ha! that would be a joke by the way...... sometimes a good laugh can change everything. Of course, as Grandpa used to say, "Sometimes a good cry does you good too!" I had a good cry last night.
EVERYONE--I will be fine! I am the grown up here and much as it might seem that I need to take care of myself--I really do guys--Honest! I promise!
Life is NEVER as easy as we think it should be.

I see it this way everybody:
No matter what my life could have been like today---I would, by nature, find some reason to WORK hard and worry a little and sometimes a lot. I could be all wrapped up in my garden or in some other project--or interfering with older kid's venture into adulthood...I could be out raising money for the Homeless or stressing out about some self imposed goal I set for myself...I could have gone back to college and be all worked up over keeping a 4.0. I could be out working 8 hours in an office with those women who told me that they don't need children because they have their clients....I could be all stressed out because at the age of 42 my life is possibly more then half way over.....I could find a million things to get worked up over and I have found reasons all my life so Why NOT make that reason the lives of my daughter--if anyone needed my Worry to be spent on them--She is reason enough.
...........I cannot think of many things that could possibly be more important to stress--worry and cry about then a Child who deserved a better start in life. When you are a mom it really is your job to be the NUMBER one person worried....and praying and full of hope that maybe--just maybe--this worry and this LOVE will change a child's life.
I have not broken YET. And God knows that in my PAST I had some pretty great reasons to throw my hands up in the air and fall to the ground in a heap of despair..... I did not die during all those times and I don't think I will die now.
Yes--by the simple fact that we adopted children who had a horrible start in life I CHOSE to walk this path. and YES, this has been 1,000 times harder then it sounded on paper. BUT, at least I went in knowing that it might be a long hard road. I didn't get this chance to make a choice so many times in my past.
When I married Tom, I didn't have any idea that marriage meant something completely different to him...I had no clue the mountains that life would put for me to climb. That night when the phone rang and my oldest son was so badly hurt--No one did a home study to see if my life could deal with the implications of his injury...or the two years of intense recovery and I most surely would not have chosen that! BUT--I lived on everyone and became much STRONGER for it all.
All the hard and painful things I lived through has made me who I am. And this too will make me stronger and wiser in the end.
I always have known I want to write one day--I used to say that I would need to live for awhile to even know what I really wanted to write about-or to have the credibility to write anything from experience...I have felt that life has all been a means of Backing Up the ACT I live.....
Yes, I knew I was strong all along but without the story I had little proof.
So......call this my education my validation my proof that I am strong and I can do whatever I decide I can do no matter how long and hard that road really is....I can deal with it and I will live to tell my story...

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