Wednesday, August 03, 2005

It is 6:00 a.m. and I am ready....

I am up and ready. Today is going to be stressful--hot and we have a late Dr. Appointment..... This morning I go in for my weekly meeting... that should be interesting.

Anyway, I am feeling pretty good. I feel physically better this week and my diet feels like it might be working a little..... I have so many ideas in my head and so little time. Oh Well. Right now, I am still working on the Adoption Assistance (subsidy) changes. Oh Fun!

I feel terrible but I often try to remind myself that WE Love Makala in spite of herself. As hard as it is some days. We know we are the parents she needed and that no matter what happens NO ONE could have tired any harder then we have. I think this is how it is no matter where the child comes from. I sort of had to close my eyes and hope and pray for the older children too. I think all kids make their parents panic at some point or another.

My biggest mistake is HOLDING on to feelings for too long. I have to be careful this time because that only hurts the chance of us getting over this. I have to be a safe mom, and I have to show the unconditional love and forgiveness--BUT at the same time teach responsibility and choices and all that important stuff. This kind of parenting is WAY more "do as you see me do" rather then the "do as I say, not as I do" way that I parented the older kids. A completely different set of needs, and everything.

Sometimes my heart just breaks over the life I was able to give to the older children. But, when I think about it I know that I did my best and there were mistakes. I guess it is going to be true for Makala and Jeremiah too. Anyway, it is getting late and I have to start the day.

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