Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Well, that was an interesting afternoon!

yesterday was another wild ride to say the least! Day treatment had a planned meeting at 2:30 to go over all of M's goals and progress, it was one of those meetings I could choose to attend or not. I had sent a note that I wouldn't be able to attend because I didn't have any arrangements for child care and short notice made it very difficult to arrange!

So M got home and her book from school had a GREAT Day report so I let M know that tonight there was a really special Meeting for all the Tupperware mom's and the meeting was special because it was KID's Night and all the mom's could bring their kids for the meeting....which was going to be a lot of FUN! All we needed to do is get to the store for some food so we had dinner and at least tomorrow's lunch and then get ready to go!

..................well, at the store M noticed that I was buying all the "special" diet foods that are low in sugar and carbs and she realized that it was clear she was going to go back on her meds...At which time she decided to FREAK OUT and BEG me up and down the isles NOT to put her back on. She made promises that From RIGHT this moment and for the REST of Her life she was going to STOP having tantrums and arguing and being unsafe....But, mom just told her that the past few weeks were the time she needed to show me this and that as of now the decision had been made and it was not going to change medication was going to start again.

She instantly progressed even more into her uncontrollable behaviors and chanting her desires over and over.... pulling the shopping cart and making it hard for mom to shop....pleading and chanting up and down every isle in the store.... I tried hard to tune it all out which only made her more angry. When I would not continue to respond to her she came over and slugged me--Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut until we left the store--but, I didn't and I let her know that she was no longer going to the Tupperware meeting.....and she went NUTS!

I would say she hit me at least five times....starting pushing on the cart so I could not move it anyplace. Ran up and down the isles and was screaming at the top of her lungs! I saw a workers so I let the worker know we were not going to be able to complete the shopping and that there was some cold food in the basket! And I picked up Jeremiah and he started crying because he wanted the candy he had in the basket and he had been a complete angel and didn't think it was fair...I needed stamps so I thought maybe we could get out quickly enough if I stopped at the service counter and paid for the candy and stamps

Well, as usual there was someone at the service counter with a problem and the clerk was on the phone trying to fix the there was going to be a 'little' delay....but, I thought we could stick it out a few moments....M started pulling on my arms in order to make me drop Jeremiah and was flipping out--EVERYONE was looking at the whole situation and reaching for cell phones most likely to call the cops if they saw me hit her or something--after all clearly this child was being abused by ME! The bagger boy, Andy who is downs syndrome just froze in his skin and couldn't move watching M.....he looked terrified at what he was seeing....

I eventually gave up and left the candy on the counter and walked out of the store...... AGAIN wondering, What the HELL do I do NOW? and I looked at the clock and saw it was five minutes after 2 p.m. and I could make it to the Day Treatment center on time for the meeting--so I did and brought both children with me!

The shrink was there and we got a script for a new medication that MIGHT be as effective as Risperdal but with fewer side effects and we discussed her treatment progress and goals....The school has notices nearly every area has been backward progress too and while they do not see the tantrums (proof this is really RAD in their minds) they also have seen many of the same problems I am having at home.......

I was surprised because I feel like we have been HORRIBLY mean and controlling and all we ever seem to be doing is punishments and gee how hard can we be on her day in and day out....but, the majority of the staff feel that we need to stand even firmer with her....and use the bedroom door alarm ANY time she gets out of control, is unsafe, the phone rings, or I need a break! And that coming in on the Back Side and processing that "I love you and Daddy Loves you NO matter what you do WE LOVE you and you are not going away and blah blah blah will eventually get through to her???????????????????

It has been very clear that negative consequences do NOT work with this child and positives seems to give her "credit in the Bank of being naughty" so.....what is there really left to do here?

The advice I am getting is to stand even firmer and not allow her to be unsafe or abusive and eventually she will GIVE UP on this WAR she has going on?

I feel like Hitler some days! I feel like even with some of the Marginally "normal" 7-year-old stuff she cannot be permitted to GET AWAY with one DARN thing at all! PERIOD! One inch and she not only takes a mile but she is ON THE MOON! One get away with it and I might as well write her a permission slip to do anything she thinks she might want to do....

I am repeatable advised to dish out the consequences and process with her....M, we love you and we always will...(true) M, it hurts to know that you would try and hurt me and your brother because we are family and we should be protecting each other from things that might hurt anyone who is in our family.....

this back end processing is KIND of HARD for me. I always called it the BEST LOVE TIME when I was a child. When my father would lose control and cross a line and be too hard or hit too much he would come to me later and GIVE me all the BEST LOVE and all the GREAT WORDS I needed to hear..... I think that my training in getting HIS BEST LOVE after some extreme event led me to have problems in my first marriage.... Almost as if I PUSHED to have a fight or conflict in order to have the MAKE-UP Love....

It is HARD to say if I might have played a part in creating more conflict in that Marriage due to this NEED I had or not....Fact is a wife beater and raper would have been that way no matter what....but, I have often wondered what MY Own Messed up needs did in fact create an environment where being a battered-wife was MORE likely. All the therapy I have had tells me this is actually a normal reaction when you are a victim of domestic violence.... Victims often blame themselves.... and all that psychology but, I was there and I do remember being aware of my need for the MAKE up stuff and have to wonder how much of a part I actually did play in setting my ex-husband up to feel not choice but to HIT me?

This is part of why I am thinking more and more that the opinions of the caseworkers that a former abuse victim will have the compassion to be a Great Parent for a child who has been abused. I just don't know if this is really true anymore or NOT? Given that the advice I am getting it to process and give MY BEST LOVE after a dramatic event with what appears to be a terrible consequence for my child....I find it very hard to Give my Best Love following an event like this......??????

I don't want her to learn that following PUNISHMENT comes the greatest connection we share!

I also have to wonder if MY OWN issues in this area have meant that I have NOT done as good a job in the processing part and perhaps I have HELD BACK too much and not provided the RIGHT KIND of processing following a consequence????? I do tend to delay the processing and try to do it when things seem more settled down and I avoid doing the processing AT the End of the actual consequences.... usually, I think I tend to wait until the next day to really sit down and process and given that she is 7 and emotionally only 4 I should take into consideration that TIME is LONGER when you are a child.......

So anyone who prays out there--would you mind asking the Big Guy to lead me a little more on these issues? Please.

I am going to set up another therapy series for me with M's

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