Monday, August 08, 2005

Woke up with RAGE!

it was not even 6:30 a.m. and already it started today!

UGH!

Anyway, what a fantastic way to start the day. I am so tired of this CRAP! Really I am....sometimes I just want to give up and let her flop and deal with whatever happens along the way.... It is getting to a point that I wonder if it will even matter or make a difference what I do or don't do...... just close my eyes and let it happen and see what it turns out to be?

I have pride, and guess I would never be able to just let the chips fall where they may!

This is hard. I have only once in all my life felt the LOVE-Hate fine line dynamic of a relationship and I divorced that one..... No way I can divorce this....but, I do have some issues I need help to deal with. I simply will NOT allow ANYONE to abuse me and there are just days where I do actually feel abused by this child...It creates a whole world of MIXED-UP feelings inside of me.... I will not be a victim ever again and I don't care who the person is. BUT--it is this child and I promised to love her and I do love her but I will not be hit--I will not be called names and I will not be abused! Not by anyone!

so why did they thing an Ex-Victim would be a great placement for an abused child? Some of us respond by acting out what we have experienced and others heal and move on....I would want to be one who has healed but not always sure I am....Maybe I overreact sometimes....because I feel the feelings I do and I am not always able to feel the warm gushy love I think I should?

My Ex-husband was my first love and I loved him for 14 years before I just could not love him anymore. I learned how to hurt and I learned how to TRY with everything to make it work....I learned how to analyze and shrink every little detail of each episode of HELL he offered me....and it did not Fix whatever is the issue with him....He still hit me he still said hateful words he still was hurtful and I did end up giving up on my relationship with him.

I just cannot deal with the intentional mean and nasties...and I don't think this is some kind of syndrome, disorder or whatever all the time..... When do I get to say GET OVER IT and MOVE on?

Anna

sorry for the ranting and negative tone of this posting--I am slightly on the down side today--hope I come back tomorrow.

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