Saturday, March 05, 2005

When...

I Originally Posted this on a Forum someplace:

March 05, 2005

When you are all grown up my sweet little girl I want you to know that loving you has been the most difficult and wonderful experience of my life....so far.

I will never ever forget the day we met....and your beautiful eyes, your lovely long hair and the words you spoke.... "Are you my forever mom and dad?" Your words made me feel just as much as I felt when I first heard my biological cry at birth.

It has been a really interesting two years my little girl. You have tested every limit and every part of my heart....I hope that you are starting to understand that there really isn't anything you can do that will make me stop loving you.....I wish you would just believe me and let us move on without the testing..... But, if you need to I can TAKE whatever it is that you throw my way.....You cannot make me ever say anything except that "I love you."

When I think about all that you and I have been through the past few years I guess it has all been a blessing. After all if you had just accepted me and not tested me we might not have this deep understanding of each other that we have today.

I was delighted this morning.... I have a smile in my heart. I could believe how hard I saw you trying and how clear it was that YOU REALLY do want the love I am offering to you..... Today when you saw me instead of being rude and saying "WHAT!" to me--you actually remembered that Mommy said lets try to start our day with a "Good morning!" and a smile---And I was actually kinda grumpy when I woke up--BUT seeing you try today changed my mood completely.

When you are all grown up my sweet and have a baby of your own I hope that you will remember that you have always been loved. Your first mommy loved you even though she didn't know how to take care of you. She never had a chance my sweet--she never learned what it meant to have parents who would be there and take all of her testing....But, I know for a fact that she loved you--I know because it is impossible not to love you.....and because you know how to love back...even when it is hard and even when it is with a new mom.

There are a million things I want to tell you when you grow up. And today something tells me that when you do grow up I will have nothing to worry about that you will be fine and that you will be a wonderful mom and a wonderful woman with so much to offer the people you love.

Friday, March 04, 2005

She looks so much older then she is.

Makala is so hard to look at and see the little girl she actually is..... She is taller and more mature then both of my 10 year old nieces..... She has an air of maturity that makes basic expectations hard to identify.... The only time it HITS me how young she actually is are the times I see her with the children her age--and compare..... It is so easy to see a child who looks 9-10 and not remember that she turned 7 just a few weeks ago..... I personally am really WORKING on this--I have been since she was placed because I realized right away that she was VERY mature looking and acting in so many ways..... She can put pretend make up on and look like she is ready for a date!

I think sometimes as parents when we do take older children it can take awhile to figure out what exactly the expectations should be.... Sometimes I do feel that I have been expecting her to act the way she appears.... I spend a LOT of time looking at videos of Tori at this age lately..... Tori was much more baby like and I do feel that Makala has this issue working against her on so many levels..... Her doctor even did some special tests to determine if she is actually older then we all think---Makala was NOT born in a hospital and no one even knew she was alive for four years! Even her birthday is just a speculative date Mom was NOT exactly sure and guessed because of the amount of day light when M was born.... Feb 1 is considered the half way point between winter and spring..... that was the day mom guessed her birth to be..... I still cannot believe this myself.....

Anyway--I am happy so far with the efforts the day treatment is making and will ask about this specific testing issue as well as several others that people have PMed me about.....

Thursday, March 03, 2005

OK--I will keep the Journal Online!

By all the email I have received it is VERY clear that everyone wants me to continue the Online Journal--and should this cause a family to decide that facing these issues is something they don't want to do---then Good--a family who could not face this should not Adopt a Special child or an older child....No one can promise the MOVE to your home would not include what we have faced....so be prepared.

Well--things are just moving along. Dad went to the weekly meeting yesterday and is feeling better if for no other reason then he was able to see the people and environment (and personally notice that his little girl could have a great deal of other problems like some of the other kids have--men seems to like seeing that they don't have the hardest kid in the bunch)

He was a bit turned off that all the staff was sooooooooo young and that several had pierced parts of themselves that he wouldn't consider piercable---but, It is Portland and if you can put a hole in it someone will so.....as hard as it is to look at in some parts of town this is 100% normal and even acceptable for professionals..... Oh well.

Some EKG and EEG testing has been done and most indicate that the brain scans do NOT show typical signs for ADHD. We see the med doctor next week and will talk about stopping the Ritalin and other ADHD meds for a period of time and do another EKG and EEG down the line.

Interestingly is the fact that some of the developmental testing that show a child has learned to predict and decide what will happen under certain situations was done...Most kids get these tests between age 6-9 and right now Makala is not showing that she has the ability to predict things. These tests are so cool...

One is a series of glasses with straws and the question is that you sip a little off one glass and more off the next and even more off the next can you show where the pop line is as you sip the glasses? Her line was straight across she did not get it.

Another shows a bottle upright and another bottle tilted and asks to draw a line and show what the water will look like....Her lines showed that she did not think the water would tilt with the tilted bottle it was written side ways as if the bottle was standing upright but the drawing was put on the page wrong...

The last test shows a hill with a house on top of it....and an 'X' half way down the side---the child is asked to draw a house on the 'X'--well, Makala's house would be hard to live in....nothing would ever stand up correctly and it would be very difficult to stand up in the house because it was not drawn as if it was built to stand on the side of a hill.

These test show that the child is not yet thinking of the RESULTS and predicting what will happen--and I find this very interesting and will consider this fact a lot more when I am suspecting that she is plotting something.....

Anyway--the big issues this week have been the lies again! yesterday she did the "ring the doorbell" game and run away and pretend she didn't ring the door bell--I hate this game it drives me crazy--but this time I just pretended I didn't notice.... No fun for her.

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