Tuesday, January 11, 2005

This has got to be the best choice....I hope.

I guess I need to make it clear--Makala has had intensive therapy for the RAD which from every indication seems to have lead to a rather secure attachment with her family. However we have are continuing many of the activities and will still see the attachment therapist now and then because I have decided to see this therapist on my own as a patient because I simply like her very much and feel she is one of us by her life history and education.

This way I feel like I can continue to monitor my own feelings about what is going on and still have access to the Attachment Therapists if I get advice that does not hit true from other sources. It took us forever to find her and we discovered in our search for an attachment therapist that the Fisrt class of certified attachment therapist only become certified this past June--and that is how I found the therapist. When she let me know that she is also able to treat adults and our insurance pays her 90% I decided to become her patient. Lord knows it is wonderful to have the face to face with someone who really understands all the dynamics.... And while I feel the attachment is going well with both Makala and Jeremiah I am still not comfortable with completely cutting my ties with the only certified therapist I can find in our area....

I am willing to pay my $25.00 co-pay and the 10% insurance does not cover in order to keep my connection to this therapist.... It could be true that we are seeing some healthy indications of attachment but with all the other issues that Makala has I want to be sure that Attachment is still an important factor in any therapy we do have. So this seems to be a good way to go with our family.

I have spent a number of years in therapy for myself and believe it can be very helpfull when a family is under stress. I want to be very sure that I do not apply my own feelings to her in certain areas. I think that having a realtionship with the Attachment Therapist is helpful for me to seperate the feelings I have from the issues and letting Makala bloom without me putting my feelings into her life... Hope that makes some sense?

Originally, I liked the psychratrist (sp?) But confess that the last two visits have been a disappointment and that I am seeing him as a drug pusher rather then concerned with the over all issues. The Attachment Therapist had also recomended that Makala have some neurological testing but the shrink has never mentioned it. Dr. Phil had a show a few weeks ago about ADHD and there was a great deal of evediance that the neuro testing can confirm ADHD.... So I feel pretty confident that this is the best way to move forward. Both the Knidergarten and First grade teachers M had felt she did not act like an ADHD child in thier classrooms....and honestly on this issue I do give the teachers some credit in telling the difference because I am sure they have dealt with more ADHD kids on a day to day basis then most people.... The fact that both of these teachers were surprised and didn't agree with ADHD as an issue leads me to think that the shrink is simply viewing the behaviors as ADHD instead of emotional damage or the RAD behaviors. He seems to be seeing the RAD behaviors as Bi-polar as well and I have lost confidence in his Dx.

Yesterday was our two year Gottch day.... (we did not celebrate) and I am feeling very good about attachment knowing that another year we may have a really great bond with each other... I am feeling like this is going to be the year that things start to settle in and feel like normal to everyone. I think the Attachment work we have done is wonderful and that Makala is ready to start working on the HURT that is inside of her... I think that a number of her behaviors are partly habit now and that with the help from the consistancy of the day treatment we can all work together on retraining and teaching her some new skills to get what she wants in a more postitive manner. She appears to have some rather passive agressive attitudes and is still minipulating but I am feeling that is because this is her best developed survival skill.

Right now I am working on helping her express what she wants or needs in a positive way rather then the way she has been.

For example: The other day she saw something that she wanted and she expressed it by saying, "I am not going to ask you for that because I know you will say no..." I told her that I will say no if that is how she wants to ask for it....and that if she tries to just say, "I really would like that mommy can I please have it?" that mommy is more likely to hear what she wants and might acutally say yes if she tries to ask in a nice way.

It seems to be a pattern for her to ask for her needs in a negative way. Often instead of asking she simply says..."I wish I could...." Or "Why does Jeremiah get what he wants and I don't get..." What she does not understand is that I am reactive to the negaitive requests. My ex was this way and I never knew how to please him after 14 years of having a him for a husband I learned to really hate the passive aggressive way to get what he wanted and confess that I have developed my own skill of fighting this game. Just say what you want with a please and a Thank you....

We do not need to play games to have our needs and desires met! This is another reason I want to keep seeing the A Therapists because I know I have already been conditioned to deal with maipulative behaviors and I have developed some of my own conter-productive attitudes about certian things that are very sublte and sometimes difficult to identify. There simply is no doubt in my mind that my first husband was RAD and still is and looking at his life today I can still see that his RAD is the reason he is a miserable unhappy and abusive person who cannot form healthy relationships at all....

My older children have picked up on some of the same behaviors they see in their father and Makala and they both have been affected by their fathers untreated attachment issues... It is interesting when they come to me and tell me something that has hit them as simular in the tactics and behaviors of a person with RAD. They have often told me they felt like they were possessions of their father instead of individual people with a unique realtionship. There are days I am really sad that as a wife I never knew about attachment and was not able to help him heal....

I would have liked my children to have a healthy realtionship with their father instead of the realationship he is able to give them. Knowing how an untreated adult with attachment problems can ruin their entire lives is one of the biggest motivations I have to help Makala I do not want her to carry this into her future and with her mate and children it is simply too painful for everyone involved and I want happy grandchildren!

Anyway tomorrow will be my first 2-hour time at the Day Treatment center and I cannot wait! If only Birthday month could be over and we didn't have three more B-Day parties before the end of the month I would be happy---Oh well! We are considering a huge family vacation next year during B-Day month and a long get away because this Chirstmas and B-day stuff all jammed into 30 days stinks to high heaven! How much partying can one family indure in 30-days? We have a reason to party for 6-weeks in a row!

YIKES! And what on earth do you give someone who has been Christmassed half to death when their birthday is in January????? Goodness I don't think the kids have even played with everything they got for the holidays yet!!!

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