Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I must have felt I would need to be strong today...

Of all the irony--or was it God telling me?

No sooner did I post the last entry in my blog here Missing Jennifer.. but the phone rang.

It was Maureen in complete hysteria and crying so hard I couldn't hear the words she couldn't speak between her gut wrenching sobs.

She got to work this morning and her co-workers again responding with all that sympathetic compassion... She didn't know why but was told the local news published the story again with a new detail and pictures...

Last night apparently someones brats decided to vandalise the Middle-school garden and on the front page of the town paper is a huge picture of the memorial bench for Jennifer, damaged and vandalized... along with the pictures of Jenny and our family again with the story... How completely odd that I had just felt the need to grieve again only for Maureen to need me this day. Jayne is working, Oma is gone for the day, Gordon and Andrew busy supporting families and it is just me--called again to be strong for my sister-in-law.

She is at the hardware store wondering the isles and sobbing -- lacking the skills to know how to repair the damage or paint off the yucky words written on the silly bench placed to remember Jennifer...

I had all but, wiped my tears from remembering Jenny this day and was planning to spend my time in grief for a bit before Makala gets home from school...and Now I see why I was so touched this morning never even intending to pick at the scabs of our hearts but having Jennifer be the topic of my thoughts so forward and center... even digging up the old poem we had etched into the back of the headstone and Maureen was hurt again... reminded again that she doesn't have her one and only child that we lost Jennifer forever and even her memory isn't standing the test of time--for anyone except for all of us.

We really did think winning the change in laws would end the public-ness of our loss. But, it recycles so often just as we think we might all be able to move on... Maureen is so hurt she had talked at Easter of the fact that she is just starting to realize she has not spend time missing the fact she lost her father that day as well... How awful this story is. We are sure the local news will take the 10th anniversary to cover the Horrific story again... but thought we might at least be able to suffer alone and in private until at least after the 4th of July...

I reached Andrew at work... He has left the office and is getting his sister out of the hardware store... she is walking in circles and not understanding what to buy or how to fix the damage that was likely caused by other people's children who are alive to live and wreak pain on those who lost their perfect and only child... The news article again pointing out that Only the Good Die Young... why does it never end this grief we feel for the death of a child!?!

.... oh Jennifer your mother is so "not"--without you... please kiss her cheek today our sweet beautiful little girl who will never grow up....

Andrew will bring Maureen home with them for dinner after they fix the damage to the bench in the rain....of the day and tears of our hearts... and again we will hold Maureen as she sobs...why?

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