Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Missing Jennifer

Missing Jenny has taken all these years and we have only started to notice that Martin is gone too. How could we all not notice he has been gone this long? How could it really take 10 years to miss the back-bone of the family? The pain of losing Jenny has sure taken us so very long to accept.... and I am not sure that any of us who were there and saw her death will ever in this life accept it.

This pain is so huge and we all cry so much that some of the other children grew up and we stood there and forgot to notice? I think our loss of Jenny has hurt Maria the most, Andrew and I are sooooo worried about that little girl now. But, what does the family really expect?

Maria was only 2 years old when we all watched Jennifer the perfect sweet 12 year old Angel die... And Maria has lived every moment since walking in Jenny's shadow. Even Tori who was 13 years old at the time reports that it has been hard to live with the UNKNOWNS about the perfect Jennifers stopped life.

None of us really know what direction Jennifer would have taken--as she died before having time to show what kind of person she would have actually become. And the little girl she was is the most pure and perfect little girl history it's impossible to imagine she may have ever made a poor choice...The little girls in the family have sure had so much to live with by walking in Jennifers shadow all these years.

I can actually see how this huge grief of loss even impacts Makala.... Jeremiah rejected his given name last September we were not really sure why... but, Lately he was asking for a picture of Opa... and we put a few things together... He has decided He will be Marty and we had told him we gave him that extra middle name in Honor of Opa... now he seems to be making a bond with a grandfather he never met... It is interesting that a little boy of only five would make such a bond...but, also so clear that our family may live this grief forever as to lose two most valued family members at the hand of a Drunk Driver is a legacy I don't think any family could overcome... clearly nearly 10 years later we have not overcome...

We thought last years efforts to make repeated drunk driving Murders would heal some of our pain. We got the law passed and we have managed to make sure the next time a person Kills two people driving drunk can't get out just to do the same thing again... but, it has not fixed our loss to hope that other families never feel the sting of grieving two more deaths caused by a murder who didn't learn after the first time.

It is so hard for us to not wish he would die during his pathetic prison sentence for the murder of two more so shortly after release from the murder of two others... How can anyone drive drunk again after killing two people already? Really? How? I still have the little present Jenny gave me that night I last saw her and she was so worried about moving on to a house alone with her mommy--and letting me become Uncle Andy's wife... sometimes I wonder if God took her knowing that life would have been more then she could bare?

God wouldn't take her because of her because of this would he? Could her move only a block away been more then she could have bared? I can't let myself think this way... but, find it ironic that Makala and I spent so much time and will in the future making Quilts for the mother's of little girls that are permitted to go home to God.

Jennifer's Last Poem:

Jennifer died on July 19, 1999 along with her grandfather due to a reckless drunk driver. She wrote this poem on November 24, 1998. We all would like to send out condolensces to family members, peers, and friends of Jennifer. Family found the following poem written on notebook paper in Jennifers room following the accdent. Thank you Jennifer for your unique and wonderful talent, as well as your glorious poem. God Bless You and may you Rest in Peace.

I walk down a road, Not knowing what will come.
I sit and watch the sky, Not knowing what the day will be like.
That is how our life is, Not knowing what will come, Happen or be like.
Our life is a mystery Unknown, Untold, Not knowing what comes next.

missing you Jenny....and Opa.

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