Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Out Like A Light

I was up before the sun this morning my natural time-clock always seems to get out of alignment in the spring--or at least during the spring in the Pacific Northwest! We had a few nice days of sunshine and now--it is gray and rainy again. This is the time of the year where I would gladly Walk to San Diego!

Marty has the day off from school today since all the older kids have another half day for some strange reason. It's a good thing today because the poor kid has outgrown his clothes again. Yesterday I found him laying on the floor trying to pull up his pants...they were so short they wouldn't go over his knees. We went through his drawers and even his underpants have gotten too small! So we will go shopping just mom and Marty and get that problem fixed!

It's amazing to me because this little guy started out under the 10% growth for height and weight and every doctor appointment since he has managed to gain some percentage on the charts. I sure can't wait until his next appointment!

Late this afternoon Makala has a Dr Joe appointment. I dread that completely as it will be right during rush hour--and I have to take both kids with me... At least I can feel a little better being stuck in the car since it is going to be one of those gray days.

I notice that some person around the world from me seems to be obsessed with checking my blog everyday--like I have nothing better to think about then someone on the Internet--or even someone not needing me all day long. Gee Jane who calls herself Adopted--if you spent so much time thinking about how you could just put your childhood behind you--if you spent so much time getting over the fact that sometime birth mother do just want to Never think of this choice again Maybe you could think of something besides the Blog of some Adoptive Mother on the other side of the world.

It just breaks my heart to know that Yet another parent is going to sit there and stew in their own self misery as their children grow up. I don't maybe I just got over my own childhood--and my own personal pain and misery because I am a Mom? I just don't have that much time to wallow around in the things from my past that hurt me. I always figure Why Lose Another Day suffering over something I just have no control over?

But, apparently I have no right to even think that I might understand.

I guess, I can just say that I have been-there and done that for too long. When I think back on the 14 years of pain and suffering that Tom (my ex) lived through... and the way it affected him as a husband and father it just seems like such a waste of life to me. So much time lost in all the issues that he seemed to think only he could possibly ever understand. Watching him decide that alcohol was a good way to numb his pain... and when He Hurt his whole family suffered. It is hard to be a happy family when one of the parents can't get over something they had and have no control over.

Wa Wa...

As if only an adopted person has the right to ruin their whole lives--and take joy away from the family and children they created. The sad part is that I watched Tom do this to his own children this "I have pain" so I don't have to be normal--and you don't understand because you were not adopted (poor me).

Yep--so one parent made a choice and that choice means that another parent has the right to "Be-Less" just because no one can ever understand!

It's sad because Tom's isolated pain that no one else could ever understand sure did cause his own children problems. His own kids have to deal with his choice too. And his choice was to use the fact he was adopted to not become a real person, or a loving parent.

He is the one who now has a hurt relationship with his children. And the SAD part is that his children don't get to spend their adult lives telling people they don't understand because they were not adopted. No--Tom's kids get to say, "My father is an Ass and spent his whole adult life suffering because he was adopted and we didn't understand... But, then when they spend any time sharing stories with other people it all turns out the same... You either get Crap for parents or Not.

My kids get to go out and suffer misery but, they don't get to tell others that it is because they were adopted. Nope. It is because they had an adopted parent who wanted to use that as his reason to be less then a man--and much less then a father. His children are old enough now to get the fact that Anyone can Decide to make their lives crazy and it doesn't need to be validated over some minority issue like adoption.

My kids know other kids who grew up with a parent that wasn't healthy. A parent who drank too much--or spent far too much time "being adopted" while they should have been being a happy parent. Wait--no they didn't they just know a lot of other kids their age who had a parent who spent way too much time living their own lives to bother and enjoy seeing their own child grow up. In fact, if the truth were actually known--my kids know a lot of kids who had Crap for a parent and well, they only know one who sits and stews in the fact it was all about adoption.

And---not only that My Kids know a lot of other kids who had a parent that was adopted their own cousins had two adopted parents...and My Kids know that adoption isn't the end of the world and doesn't give their parents the right to let their children grow up messed up just because they can't get over being adopted...

oh, well at least the children don't sit around making this a reason to be less...and hopefully one day their father will get over it and start to live his own life. Although after seeing him the last time I am pretty sure he is going to let this eat him up until he dies... too many years boozing it away--so much hate and angry is marks his face...

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