Monday, May 05, 2008

So What do I mean by ...strong steps... tags?

I have learned that along this journey so many people have implied I have an "Out"...

In all my life I can't understand how a parent could actually ever take the "Out" but, apparently there are many who do. The fact is that it isn't just adoptive parents who face these issues--but, it is also the parents who lost their children in the first place who face the same issues I have learned about.

Giving up is often the only choice a parent is offered--once they have been given support if things don't work out--parents are told they only have one choice left. So many parents on the edge give-up and lose their rights, and many parents that have adopted the children stand around wondering where the promised services are supposed to be delivered from...

...Strong Steps... are just the steps a parent has to take--regardless of the situation. The bottom-line is that it's up to parents to make all the decisions and it's up to the parents to advocate--sometimes until they are blue in the face--and seek out what their child needs...

The ironic part is that the adoptive parents working with the system for Family Preservation services--receives the same services that any family does for the same reasons... And most of the case managers are actually starstruck with adoptive parents who have been put through the mill... These people are used to working with the parents who do have drug problems or have safety issues with a child...Not middle class people with means who adopted a child coming from this...

...Our kids should just be happy to have us... Or they are so lucky we have given them all that we have...

...Other families in your situation would have sent the child back...

...there are no more services without signing over your parental rights...

While the services being offered all look real nice--they deliver the minimum and not even what was promised. There is no way a parent with any real life problems could ever deal with the things I have--and live life too. All along there is one door after another opened for parents like us to give up... All the organizations--schools--county mental health people--adoption subsidy people--have something in writing that says--the child or family is being provided with "something" to help manage that issue...

...Strong steps are what a Parent Does with there isn't any other option. It's why we are the grown up and the child needs us. It's about getting a lawyer when the school tries to pull their routine and won't look at the child and actually consider their needs... It's what you do when the child needs help you don't know how to give and demand it...

...it's calling every number you have--and talking to every agency in the front of the phone book...or on the state resource list...or on the adoption and foster care lists...or anyplace.

...Strong steps are also about meeting the needs of the parents--of the marriage and of the other member's of the family. Often, when a child qualifies for services that child is the client--that child is the only thing that matters and the impact on the other family members is not relevant... Strong Steps are making sure that no matter what is going on--all members of the family are safe and having their needs met as well...

This is the role Most parents have when raising children--however, when any issues of adoption from foster care come up the instant reaction is for everyone to jump to the assumption that it is all about that...all the time. It isn't. And some of the things are children need most are normal things that every other child needs...cycling through different services being delivered tends to make everything start and end with the circumstances of the adoption...and the trauma from life before adoption.

Once one program actually starts to make an improvement and get to know the child and the family--the service plan ends...and families start all over. And the new services focus again on the same issues--same facts--same advice--same tools--over and over.

It appears that any family with a child who is at risk socially--or has a significant mental health concern is instructed on how to keep the child hidden away and restrained. Some of the suggestions that have been made to us boarder on child abuse--and were not effective in the first place. Some of the other ideas offered were just funny--and any ordinary parent would just wonder why someone would assume that you didn't already do that?

Usually, toward the end of the service plans it boils down to the suggestion that mom or dad or both seek out their own therapy or counselor in order to help them cope with the difficulty of parenting a child that is a risk... Our anger we freely show during the course of accepting the services is seen as the only thing we are--day in and day out... Of course, that is how it appears since it is the basis of contact and topic of our interaction. I have never assumed any of these people were meeting with me to talk about my beautiful houseplants!

This always catches parents off guard because--come to think of it---maybe, I should get on some meds myself and maybe I do need to go cry in therapy... and well, maybe I have been part of the problem.

The truth is that parents in my situation are not unfoundedly Angry! Nor are we just dealing with ordinary issues. We also deal with Grief of what the future might be for some of our children. We would never send them away--never terminate rights and learn to accept things...and make Strong Steps to help overcome what is in the way for our child--no matter what it is...

Most parents have a child and spend these years Hoping the child doesn't make a bad choice--or mess up big time. But, expecting the best.

Parents who have come to the acceptance point think about the child's future and expect the worst...but hope their child makes good choices--and avoids some of the bad decisions... and has a just fine life.

To be honest I am not sure what type of attitude is the best.

No comments:

Post a Comment

New Memories -- Blog Tags

abuse (1) acceptance (3) adoptee (1) Adoption (1) Adoption Committee (1) Adoptive Parent (3) AdoptiveParentsNetwork.com (3) Advocate (4) Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorders (ARND) (18) anxiety (2) At Risk (1) Attachment (3) Attachment Disorder (2) Attachment Therapy (AT) (10) Attorney (1) Behaviors (2) Bill of Rights for Children's Mental Health Disorders and their Families (1) birth mom (5) boundaries (4) Case Worker (3) Child Identification (1) Child Rights (1) Christian (1) Christmas 2008 (1) communication (1) consequences (4) Contact (1) DHS (4) diagnosis (4) Disruption (2) Dissolution (1) divorce (3) documentation (1) domestic violence (3) door alarm (2) DSM IV (1) eating disorders (1) employment (2) Family (2) family preservation (2) FASD Resource (2) Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD) (24) foster family (3) Foster Home (3) Fund Raisers (2) Funding (1) goodbye (2) grief (3) home (3) Home Study (1) honeymoon (2) impulsive behaviors (3) Individual Education Plan (IEP) (15) loss (2) Marty (4) Medicaid (1) medication (6) mental health (4) mental health services (2) Missing Children (2) Mt Hood Oregon (2) Nancy Thomas (1) negative attention (3) Neurobiology (1) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (2) oxytocin (1) Parent Advocate (2) Parental Rights (1) parenting (4) police (2) Post Adoption Family Therapy (1) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (1) processing (3) propaganda (2) RAD Cult (6) RAD Mom (7) RAD Research (2) Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (23) Research (8) Residential Treatment Center (1) Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (3) Resource (9) Respite (1) Safety (1) School (10) Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) (1) secondary behavior (1) Services (1) sexualized behaviors (4) short term memory (1) social (2) special education (7) Special Needs (2) Statewide Action for Family Empowerment (SAFE) (1) stealing (1) symptoms (2) tantrums and rages (4) Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) (1) The Brain (2) therapist (4) time outs (4) transition (8) Triangulation (1) Trust (1) Understanding Attachment (1) Understanding FASD (6) vacation (6) violence (2) Washington (2) website (9) When Love Is Not Enough (1) wraparound (1)