Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Fantasy of Some... Anti Adoption

Adoption Reform is a very important issue to me. There is always room for improvements and changes especially when something is identified that can be changed. Most people working hard to advocate changes do their best to gain the ear or eyes of those people with the power to make changes... But, there is usually a small group who think that attacking the wrong people or group of people will accomplish something. Generally, those who attack the people who just follow the rules lack the logic to present a real argument to anyone or any group that might have some way to actually accomplish something.

The Anti-Adoption group has a tendency to make mountains over the most silly little issues... While in many many areas I AGREE and Support some of the advocacy they fight hard for. I share the same disgust for newborn trolling and overbearing Potential Adoptive Parents - PAP, who think a year of poppy diapers, midnight feedings and the so-called clean slate is so important as to pass over the 129,000 (recently updated number) of Foster Children Waiting for families... Even though I was part of the effort to collect signature in order to Open the Original Birth Records in Oregon... There is a element of the well-meaning people who just go off the deep end.

There are people within this group who seem to live in some kind of bazaar fantasy that if Adoption were completely abolished that mothers might have no choice but, to step up and become the kind of mother a child actually needs... A form of reverse "coercion" to right the wrong of those mother's who allowed themselves to be manipulated into placing a baby for adoption... While I believe that there are a number of mother's who have been coerced to place babies for adoption--I don't believe that there are thousands of mothers who were forced to place their baby for adoption... I don't doubt it happened or even that it may still happen in some cases.

I just have this attitude that if a mother could be forced to place a baby--or pressured to put her baby into an adoptive family What the HECK else would that mother be susceptible to? I say, "Great, because now the idiot man you bring around your child won't coerce you into God knows only what!"

Thank God, those mothers were coerced into adoption because I have seen a lot of coercion when it comes bringing up children and I have seen mothers be convinced to allow or do things to their children that are far more horrible then giving them loving parents. My attitude is any mother who could be coerced into adoption made a Great Choice to go with it! Thank God the damage was caused to a newborn and not the 10 year old molested by mommy's boyfriend or the mother who buckles to "peer presure" and becomes a doped up parent with children who have nothing at home worth calling mom...

In this day and age MANY pregnant woman claiming her baby was manipulated out of her care Opened the DOOR to adoption herself. Which means at a BASE level she wanted to be convinced it was Okay to place a baby for adoption. There are just far too many pregnant woman who Never Think Twice about adoption as an option and are Not Coerced because it isn't even a possibility! I have been around far too many women and girls pregnant with unexpected and unplanned babies to know that the Coercion for Adoption doesn't happen unless the pregnant mother dials the phone, makes the appointment or considers it as an option.

Today, there are just too many choices and no excuse to Not keep a baby if it is what is right for the mother. There are the rare odd exceptions of the disgusting PAP's who make offers to any pregnant woman they happen to see, and just like this disgusting people are in reality RARE so to are those who actually believe outlawing adoption would make mom's out of those who really never wanted to be mothers and waited too long in denial to get the EASY Abortions.

Both are simply EXTREMES hyper focused on one of two FACTS and then driving to act like crazy loons over it. To me it is equally disgusting to run across the obsessed potential parents who think that only a newborn will do and act insane by leaving cards with their tips for the pregnant waitress--and those who live in the extreme fantasy that a pregnancy makes a woman a mother.

We can all look at the PAP's and see they are often driven by circumstances beyond their control such as infertility or years of miscarriages... Something inside telling them only a newborn will be acceptable. They start the process and get carried overboard looking for the baby they will adopt. Agree to compromise their feelings of wanting a baby of their own and make open-adoption arrangements they never intend to keep, advertise, build website pages, and some troll the Internet looking for the mother of the baby they hope to adopt....

But, this fringe of Anti-Adoption people are equally NUTS in my book! Generally, they are not the 5 year old's who were adopted from Foster Care and live with some memory of WHY Adoption is good... No, the most extreme are Adults who were adopted as newborns and raised in loving homes where they received a decent education and have enough talent to "Copy and Paste" any little dribble they think makes a point for their argument. Generally, these people are NOT drug or alcohol affected and often come from mother's who cared enough to place them before they abused them and actually consider the life and at least TRY to avoid crippling the baby by boozing it up....

Actually, sometimes I wonder if that might be half the problem some of these WHACK jobs are really dealing with? Poor prenatal care because their birth mother's didn't care about them in the first place. I have seen it a thousand times! The parents adopt what appears to be a healthy newborn who later is found to be Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder - FASD because they grew in the womb of a woman that never wanted them. At least those mom's had sense not to keep the baby they Pickled in Vodka and abuse them more!

In fact, some of the greatest Special Needs Adoptive parenting classes are taught by adoptive parents who thought the newborn would spare them the reality of what so many Foster Adoptive parents expect as a possibility. Our original trainer adopted a "Healthy Newborn" and her child remained a "Healthy Newborn" the rest of his life due to the damage caused before birth. She made it a mission in her life to help potential adoptive parents understand that when a mother isn't interested in being a mother she may not actually care while pregnant. The risk of adopting a special needs child is NOT absent when adopting a new baby placed by a mother who says she never drank or used drugs.

Assuming an infant is a clean slate is not a wise choice. There are recent studies that imply Reactive Attachment Disorder - RAD may actually be more about Genetics then broken bonds and child abuse. While adoptive parents face RAD most often the lack of any clear treatment or proven therapy just may indicate the fact Genetics play a huge role in bonding--and one might ask themselves, Why is it that Adopted Children suffer such high rates of Attachment disorders? Have we ever stopped to consider the fact the our children are adopted might indicate a mother who lacked natural bonding or was unable to attach to her baby as most believe is instinctual? New studies are leaning toward an implication that failure to develop normal attachments might explain WHY a baby or child ends Up Adopted in the first place?

I totally believe there is No Reason to amend birth certificates. As the biological mother of children with an adopted father, I know well the feeling of Not Knowing medical history, cultural identity and the issues of wanting to know the REAL roots of heritage. I support the efforts to change the re-writing of birth certificates and fully support the use of Adoption Certificates being made enough for our children to use last name, be part of a family and remain who they originally were. When I got married I didn't have to amend my birth Certificate in order to use my new last name and support a different method of legalizing parental rights and family names.

The only problem I have with the Anti-Adoption group is that a great many do little more then attack potential adoptive parents for following the laws and methods that are available. Looking for whatever way to take a Bashing approach and offer no logical debate of any issue. I have offered several people involved in Adoption Reform, adoption advocacy and the anti-adoption voices invitation to provide information, articles and links to the AdoptiveParentsNetwork.com website as well as this blog and my others. Personally emailed and invited any of them a spot to present their arguments...stories...views...advocacy stands...whatever... Not one of them have taken the invitation.... instead of actually doing anything that might make a difference they sit on their Blogs and Babble.

Related Link:
  • Waiting and Waiting for anyone to offer any good resources for ways that people might take part in their cause--a few links--a Senator Letter--a personal statement---whatever....You would think that someone who really wanted to see change might take a moment and put something in a spot that adoptive parents might see it---but, so far no--notta! I just don't have the time to Advocate for another thing! I am far too busy advocating for Foster Children, mental health services, education, community support and the other needs of actual children maybe I might have time to research when they grow up?


  1. Your blog sounded interesting, so I popped over from BLOG VILLAGE to read and vote for you. But there's no voting link!!

    We have an adopted daughter.

  2. Thank You! I have added the Blog Village link... I had removed it a few weeks back when one of the Anti-Adoption people attacked my blog and claimed I copied hers! Ironic that someone wanting to Vote for my blog would choose this post to let me know the Blog Village link was missing!


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