Friday, July 25, 2008

It's Personal and to be honest it hurts my feelings...

It's been about a week and a half and things are just starting to settle in and be real to me. But, my honest feelings have boiled down to: I take it personally, and my feelings are hurt.

I am not writing this Blog Post to bad mouth anyone--or to call anyone out. I am writing it because I have feelings too and sometimes they do matter. A lot of people view me as some kind of Rock or someone who can pull myself up when things are difficult and move forward without batting an eyelash... I can do that and have had some good practice during my 45 years of life on earth.

Once in awhile however--I am not the rock some might view me to be. Sometimes I am just a person who does have feelings and sometimes--right or wrong, of me--my heart is hurt by the actions and choices of others...

Often my feelings seem to be hurt the most when God is used as part of the reason someone else can do or say what they feel at peace about. It's hard to argue with someone who says that God Blessed a decision they made. It's not my position to ever judge how God Himself led someone to a place they find themselves standing.

I guess, the part I have never understood is how the same God would have someone else feel at peace about the actions that cause that person to hurt me? It's easy for someone else to feel at peace with God when the decision they make doesn't Hurt themselves but, only another person. I am at peace too when my choices in life don't harm me--and offer me relief from a commitment I made.

There isn't much I can say or do when someone tells me they are fine with their own choice and feel at peace with God about it. What Friend or Christian could even debate that issue? I just have never understood how God would make one person feel so at peace with their own choice and not compel that person to consider the fact that the decision they made doesn't make someone else feel at peace about much of anything.

I don't have to share who I am with anyone else--except God and my family. I can make choices that make me feel at peace--but, now and then put myself out there and give up too much to someone else. People seem to think sometimes that they are doing me a favor when all along I MIGHT feel I was the one giving them a chance and doing them a favor.

The lime-light isn't where I strive to be, fame and money have never much mattered to me. There isn't much in the world I want for--there isn't much I am not willing to share with those I care about. The problem is that sometimes I let someone in and give more than they even know or understand was even given.

Not that I even think I might get much in return. But, because it makes me Feel at Peace with God to share what I have, or know how to do with others. Generally, it works out well for me. Sharing and growing with another person is not difficult and brings a bit of pleasure to my heart. Fancy clothes, fine jewels and looking special are so totally not what I live my life for. My life is about quality connections with other people walking this earth along side of me.

People who know me understand that most of the time I would walk to the end of the wolrd to include them as a part of my day, my life and my business. I love to have another person be part of the things I do and enjoy. I cherish those connections with other's who seem to have things in common with me.

Usually, I am not a quick friend to be had. Life has shown me to move slowly and often I move too slow and miss chances to have a friend that may have lasted a lifetime. I have a guarded heart and don't often open myself up on the deepest personal levels. Not that I have been hurt by friends very often, maybe because I don't just jump into new relationships feet first. Not that I have lost many friends along the way either.

In 9th-grade I lost Carla. We had an argument about which end of the street we were going to practice Tennis... Her end or mine. In one day, a friend I had since 3rd grade was gone forever. All over angry words and the fact that my, "I'm sorry" was not accepted.

When I divorced my ex-husband I lost my best friend Becky. He ex-husband liked me and because he did I lost her from no fault of my own other than the fact that I was now single too. I could understand on one hand how that friendship ended even though I didn't have the slightest interest in her ex or the fact he liked me. We never even went on a date! But, I know being a female myself that jealousy is an ugly-green eyed-monster.

In my life I have only lost two friends. I still talk to some I have known since my earliest memory. I'm one of those people who have a membership and have posted pictures and bios and contacted people all the way back to Kindergarten. Leave it to me to be the one who still has the 8th grade class poster of all of us, in mint condition, scanned and posted for all my classmates to remember! Leave it to me the High School Annual Editor to be the keeper of the Memories for all of my friends--and even those who didn't much like me.

So, yes it hurts when I feel taken for granted. There isn't a lot I can say when I am hurt on the heels of God making peace for another to do or say things that hurt me. It's easy to say you are at peace with a decision that doesn't hurt you! Why wouldn't it be easy to leave something that wasn't really yours to begin with?

I suppose I am supposed to be Happy that someone else is at peace with God for a decision that crushes my heart. I suppose I should not feel hurt to have been asked to be part of something important to me--and to have let go of my own selfishness and shared 50-50 without question because God leads me to not be selfish.

I guess, that doing whatever it takes to make sure that I share Half of something with someone else and then having that person say they are at peace with the decision to Toss-Back their half of everything shouldn't hurt me. Especially, when it is sugar-coated and made to sound as if the toss-back is somehow because my Vision of something is too grand to accept half of...

The funny part is that the thing I shared was never really all that important to me and only became important when someone else wanted to share it and invested their interest while working as a team... The sad part for me is that sharing it in the first place only made my own life more hectic and frustrated. Only added work and caused me to make a commitment to someone else who was interested. I could have done a million different things for the year while I was sharing...

Instead, someone I shared with tells me she is at peace about wanting to share in the first place and then walking away when her life took a different path...

So--I have taken it personally and to be honest it hurts my feelings... I am glad You are at peace with God about your decision... I would have been too had my decision a year ago only effected YOU.

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