Sunday, December 14, 2008

It's hard for me to ASK...

I will be happy when 2008 is over and a New Year starts. For me personally, 2008 will go down as one of the most difficult years of my life--emotionally. On the positive side, these kinds of struggles in life are often what a person needs in order to understand--even if it is only understanding something about ourselves.

I think as much as 2008 will be a year I wish had been different, in hind-sight I believe I will look back to realize the lesson I have learned this year is that sometimes everyone needs something and sometimes we have to learn how to ask...

It's hard for me to Ask for what I need... or for help, money, a favor, or even a hug. I don't know why? Or if this is just something I notice Only when I NEED a lot. I,m not sure if it's pride -- or fear of asking for too much. Or if it is because I don't want to give others the chance to let me down. Or, worse--that I don't want to "owe" someone back for the fact I asked let along received something I asked for.

I tend to "WANT" those around me to "Notice" I need something and offer on their own accord... because they care. I feel very special when someone makes a direct and specific offer to meet a need I might have. When this happens I feel like I matter. The direct and specific offer makes me feel noticed and as if someone took the time and paid attention to consider "What" would help me the most.

It must be some kind of passive-aggressive nature? I feel frozen when people around me notice I am in distress and offer to help by asking me to Name my need specifically. I don't want to ask for more then someone wants or has to offer. I don't want to beg or take more then someone has to give.

So, when I am in Need and forced to Name or ask specifically I tend to ask for less then what I really need. I appreciate what I am given which wasn't enough and feel guilty as if I had asked for and received more then I needed in the first place... Why?

I think that most of the time I don't even notice I had to ask--and asked for less than I needed because usually I don't need very much from others. Usually I am the one who "Notices" someone has a need and I offer a specific thing I can to help. I take joy in meeting the needs of others and consider it to be one of the positive things about who I am. I never expect a pay-back or think someone owes me back and wonder why I seem to think other's might feel different?

My problem about asking usually isn't a real big issue in my life when things are going well and I don't need for much. In fact, I thrive when I am the Meeter of other's needs and taking good care of myself. This problem I have only seems to be a problem when I NEED A lot or more than usual for a prolonged period of time... or have needs that can't be taken care of at all because there isn't a specific way to meet the need.

This is when I seem to fall apart.

Because, If I can't meet my own needs then I don't have the ability to take joy in meeting the needs I see for others... so it becomes a double loss. And then someone sees me in distress and dares to ask me, "What can I do to Help?" and I have no clue what to ask for. And sometimes I feel hurt no one noticed and just offered without making me Name my need specifically... I will accept and appreciate whatever is offered and just find it so hard to ask.

In 2009 I plan to try and make a better effort to learn how to ask for what I need before I find myself falling apart and frozen with no idea what to even ask for.

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