Tuesday, January 27, 2009

An Unexpected Request

I always wondered how I would feel, or what I would think and most of all how I would react if we were ever contacted by the children's mother. Now I know.

This afternoon I received email from the State. At first I thought it must be due to the birth of another baby. Instead, it was an "legal" representative letting us know that our children's birth mother wanted to send gifts and wanted to know if she could have pictures.

It's been Six-years, and seems so strange to be arriving Now. Could it be that my prayers for HER have come true--at least to some degree?

I have often sat an wondered, if she thinks of them, if she has the ability to "care" in a way that wasn't self serving. To me it couldn't be possible to have my rights to 5 children terminated--without having a care in the world.

Sharing pictures is Clearly not an issue to me, I do that all the time. We need to think about the Gifts at least at this time anyway. We need to talk with all the professionals and consider how this might effect the children, especially our little girl.

With things being so ALWAYS hard for her--can she really deal with this out of the blue?

I asked the representative to let birth mom know that the most important gift she could give our daughter would be a copy of any baby picture--any picture before the age of 4! And, maybe the name of someone who might be called birth father.

I'm also not so sure how little brother would take this. He is so confused about all of these things considering his sister has told the story in Not Always the most loving or healthy way I would have wished. Marty is still dealing with so much anger--and asking a lot of the questions that make me know he is dealing with the whole "adoption" matter in some of the less then positive ways. It's been hard with his older sister presenting her side of things...too early, too detailed and with a bit of romance included.

Not sure how presents from out of no place might impact the children.

I do know that it's only a few days before M's birthday--and a few days after the TPR for the Only child of 5 her mother parented for any time at all. It must be difficult I am sure. I wonder if the fact both of the children we adopted have their birthdays right now--prompted this request?


  1. Stumbled upon your blog when looking for fellow RAD moms :) I look forward to reading theough your archives :)

  2. Thank you... I and RAD mom to RAD mom I am sure you can relate!

  3. I hope all will go well, and your daughter will be able to handle meeting her birth mother. I've never been into that situation, but I've read often that kids suffer the most, and I admire your considerate heart to allow them to see their birth mother and even thought of getting a picture of when they were younger and a name of their birth father.

  4. Betchai,

    Thanks for the comment! I completely agree that "meetings" or visits with birth mom will not happen for a very long time!

    Oh My! And yes, I would say that visits would cause some suffering for the children.

    The big issue right now is about Gifts being sent to the Children!

    Of course, from the feedback I am getting from a few people leads me to think that "Gifts" being sent is just a step to meeting?

    Exactly, why we are still only Thinking about the Gifts Part!

  5. It takes a great deal of compassion for adoptive parents to consider the feelings of birth parents. This is especially true for birth parents that were abusive or neglectful in some way, resulting in the loss of their children.

    It isn't easy to allow that abusive person to have contact after you take those children in and care for them and try to heal their wounds.

    I speak from experience. My oldest daughter is not my child by birth. The only way to know what is truly best for your children and how having this woman in their lives would affect them is to discuss it with them (if they are old enough to do so).

    Personally, I think that letters would be better received before there are any gifts. Gifts imply an attempt to "buy" their love and forgiveness for whatever she may have done wrong. Letters will offer her and them an opportunity to say what they feel needs to be said. Perhaps you could send her some of their art work or have the older children write to her if they wish (and if you wish, of course). I do recommend that any correspondence between them and her be fully monitored.

    If you ever want to talk about the pro's and con's of including that birth mother in their lives, feel free to email me directly. I chose to allow my daughter's birth mother into both our lives and have first-hand knowledge of the good and the bad. ( aandsparenting@gmail.com )

  6. wow....anna, its me. How are you? after reading your post i got a pain in my chest from being anxious. As much as I want contact with birthmom for my kids, I dont want it either knowing what she did. Is it a healthy thing? or is it a disaster?

    as you know, we keep in contact with my kids half brother mother, because they have an open adoption and after talking to her, we are pretty confident at this time we are not ready for any kind of communication.

  7. Hi Linus,
    I know it's You... I Miss you so much.

    After these days of thinking it's clear to me--this is not the right time for the kids to be sure.

    We are still living day-to-day with our little girl's behaviors and looking for the right things to help her and the rest of us.

    The only thing I have said to our daughter is that I have heard her mother is okay. In the past she has worried and asked.

    Thanks for letting me know you are there 2008 was a very devastating year for ME personally and it's nice to know you are still there.


  8. hi anna,
    im sorry its been so tough. For us, we had a couple of ok years, but we are on the down spiral again. Our older boy is 13 yrs old....I am not really sure how that happened?..lol, but that brings alot of issues just in itself. My little guy, as i wrote in my blog, is havin a hard time also. As the neuro=psyh said, "learned helplessness", he doesnt even try anymore.
    lets hope 2009 is better for us.

    Oh, whats up with all the blogs, i am getting lost...lol.

  9. Linus--sorry to hear things have spiraled down. I was just thinking about your family the other day and thankful things were going so well...

    One-day at a time it seems and even more so with our special kids... "learned helplessness" I am going to have to research that one as I believe we may have a little boy who would like to learn to be helpless!

    ...and don't make fun of my blogs! I got into this pickle last May when I let someone play with my website code don't fear the main site is starting to be healed!


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