It has been months since we started working on the paperwork to have our daughter spend some time away in treatment. Over six months to be honest. There should be a million hoops to jump in order to make such a dramatic decision but, this is really amazing to me. What part of the whole story has been lost with the fact that there are times we don't feel we can control the safety of our own home?
On one hand I am completely dumbfounded by the amount of time things have taken, yet on the other hand I am thankful it has been taking some time. It scares me half to death to think of all the bad things that could or might happen to a little girl in her situation...so, the longer it takes the better. Right? Her File just wreaks of the implication that no one would believe anything she said happened is true. Just this fact is the big one that keeps me from making the last steps to have her placed.
Only recentely she has shared some of her feelings about the times she was in the last residential treatment program, and the two times she was hospitalized. While everything was going on she was stone-cold calm. She didn't show a sign one of discomfort, she seemed to like where she was at. During the past few weeks she has talked about how she really felt--or she is dramatic now?
It doesn't really matter if now she is dramatic about the past, the fact is she is dramatic about it. Even if she only remembers it from her feelings of today, she is telling me things about her time away that I would have thought she had felt while it was all happening. I guess, if these were not the real feelings she had at the time then at least now she is showing at least that she knows what a normal responce should have been. That should be a positive indicator?
Next year she will start middle school. Her annual IEP meeting is schedualed and I am certain it will include a transition plan. I am 99.9% sure that it's time to pull her back into home school or, un school. I have been involved with the State Special Education Home School lists for several months and learned some important information about what can and cannot be done with regard to home school. The fact of the matter is that middle school is a stinky place no matter what Kid you are, but it will be a complete nightmare for our little girl.
Our best progress and her greatest strides forward happened when she was able to just live her life as it happened. When she left the last residential treatment I home schooled her from April to Novemeber and it really was the best time for her behaviors. I don't know if it was just because she had just been discharged or not, but those months were some of the most peaceful for her emotionally.
Most babies and pre-school children get those early years of living peacefully without a care in the world. Her memories and the stories she shares don't make her early years sound very stress-free. It seems she saw herself as an equal with her mother and they were both little babies sometimes--and other times worked well as a team to solve problems. Like watching a house for a few days and being sure No One was going to come home--so they could go inside and find food and sleep.
Keeping her home for the next however long may be something she really needs and never had when she was so young. It's clear to me she never just played outside the window with her dolls while mom did the dishes... She clearly never had a time when peace just was what the day was about. Even when she was placed we were told she had to be put right into pre-school, I wish I had argued that point a lot more then I did.
...anyway, Like I always try to remember, a decision that is not written in stone or on a contract can me changed later. What I decide today doesn't mean I can't decide different in the future. Since none of the Official people seem concerned and we have 50 people to subphona in the event of a false allagation it seems we are really on our own with this situation. I will be pondering the choices and let everyone know.
Be sure to check out all of our fun pictures on our New Memories Blog and look in the trunk at the albums of our Past Memories.
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