I found the journal I started in 1981. It was interesting to read the words of the 18 year old girl filled with big dreams and an innocent heart. Flipping through the pages, I felt it was like reading a prehistoric Facebook page about myself. I found it interesting how I wrote, the things I wrote and the way in which I addressed whoever my imaginary audience really was. I am not sure why I assumed my words would be public someday, somehow.
It could be interesting to one day, post it as if it was a Facebook page, from the past. There are literally hundreds of pages of my own handwriting--stuffed here or there around my life. I am not and never have been a very private person. Even though others seem to assume there must be some mystery I hide--that has never been the case with me. I hide nothing well, and find it difficult to keep a secret of any kind. I find there are very few secrets in life that are positive when eventually disclosed so, it's really just a best personal policy to Not Hold a secret in the first place.
I have not figured out yet, if being an open-book in life is really a good thing or not. For me there have been times as a mother where I have been accused of keeping secrets or lying to my children. They need to understand that while they were young and growing a parent is not required to be accountable to our children for every choice we make in life. Not the same way we will be with them when they grow up and become adults themselves. And, that does not make a parent a liar. We all make choices as adults, some less productive, some less wise, and some that are not the business of our little children. There is nothing wrong with showing the Best Role model we are able, and keeping Adult behaviors out of sight is Not Lying to our children--it is keeping Adult behaviors out of our child's sight and the right thing to do.
There is this point in every child's life where they come to understand their own parents were just as stupid and unable as they are in life--and the truth is, that never changes! Everyday, every step, every breath of life is growing older, getting wiser, and learning. It does not stop. There is just not that moment in time when someone has learned it all, finished the process, and finds all the answers. That is Not what Life is about, and it is not a possible goal. Growing OLD is Still Growing...that is the reality of life.