Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Ten years, and a lifetime to Go

It was 10 years ago, I remember like yesterday. I left Portland just after the first of the year and drove over 300 miles to meet my youngest children, for the first time. To this point it had all been paperwork, home study, and committee decisions. Nearly two years, of training, support groups and classes. The creativity of making our "Family Storybook" and a lot of wishing and dreaming.

I remember, very clearly the last night I had to call all my own. My biological children were grown adults and all things considered, I did the best I knew how. I know my children grew up with honor, integrity and self respect. They managed to make good choices, and cause me little stress. Surely, I would be an even better mother this time around. I knew, that frozen night returning to the hotel room, would be the last I had for many years, without the concern of little ones. I knew this was a turning point in my life--and that as always, things could go well, or not.

Either way, nothing would be the same as it was before. This time, I would drive over 300 miles home, with two new members of my family... My youngest children a little girl nearly 5 and her baby brother just about to turn one! I knew, it was a risk, that I was turning 40 and that my marriage would face those things marriage faces when people chose to become parents. I knew then and there our marriage would grow or fail. I believed it would grow. Turned out I was wrong about that.

It is always easy to look back and see where different choices here or there might have resulted in a different outcome. Doing that, won't change anything. What happened, happened and can't be undone. I was never one for finding fault or blaming things on something or someone else. I don't blame a second failed marriage on anything other then a failed marriage. The kind of marriage I wanted, would have grown and overcome the stress and difficulties we faced parenting two--very high Special Needs siblings. Instead, it did not turn out that way.

I still do not regret the choices I have made as a Mother.

And here I am, turning 50 now! Clearly more then half way through this gig of life! I was that silly little girl who just dreamed of making a nice life, with someone who loved me, and raising happy, healthy and able adults. I don't consider being a mother the act of parenting children, I see the big picture--and realize I will have a longer relationship with my adult-children then I will have with them as children.

My oldest child has finally asked his girlfriend to become his wife. With any luck I will finally become a grandmother. I have expected this for the last ten years, and seen zero hope!

When I started this blog there was no such thing as a blog. It was a journal... one of the little tools offered as a perk along with the web building tools I used to make primitive websites and learned HTML. I was very proud of the skills I developed, the sites I created and the support and information I was able to gather together during the Forums site boom! This journey, and I think every journey as a parent, did not go exactly they way my imaginary dreams had planned. That's all right, because I know I still have a few years left for some New Memories.


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