Thursday, March 20, 2014

Divorce: The Children are Watching

Divorce is never very pretty, it is the death of love--if there was love in the first place. When it is all over it can be hard to tell. Hind-sight is 20/20 and when the dust settles it can be hard to tell what was real or not. The process can sure be therapeutic especially if it drags out for years and years.

I personally, will never apologize for choices I make about the unhealthy relationships I have had to walk away from in my life. None of my children need to witness a mother who is Not treated with respect and true love does not disintegrate into petty wars and power struggles. I would feel much worse about myself if I allowed my children to see or hear the things that happen when it's clear the man in my life has any kind of contempt or unhealthy control over my life--that isn't based on the kind of love a marriage should have.

Adult relationships are not the same as the parent-child relationship. When it comes to my children it's my job to help them learn the difference and show them that a healthy parent must first behave like a health adult. I would want my children to grow up and understand the differences. I want my daughters to be strong and able women and I want my sons to understand they do not love as a means of owning or controlling the life of someone else.

Children cannot grow up feeling secure or develop healthy adult relationships of their own if they are raised inside of an unhealthy relationship. It is that simple and it is the responsibility of a good parent to understand how important what we do in our lives will be for our children and their future.

People will always judge and outsiders will see what they choose. In all of the heartache of my life my truest hope is for my children to find and have what I have not found. A real and healthy kind of love that is needed to make a marriage last the distance. I may not have found that for myself, but I am not ashamed that I would be brave and take the steps to make sure my children did not witness anything less than that kind of love in the marriage I show them.

Life is long. If the relationship you dedicate yourself to becomes unhealthy it will not be healthy for the children living inside of it. I would rather show my children that even in the face of failure we can be strong and able. Even in grief we can make the right choices and that failure in one part of life does not mean a person is a failure in life.

I am sorry for myself that I have tried to love and be the wife who is loved till death only to fail twice.  This is my loss, my pain and my broken heart. As a mother I know that my children will have the relationship I make with them--regardless of the relationship I have with their fathers. Children are not stupid, they will come to their own conclusions the most important thing to remember when a relationship is good or bad is that our children learn from us and about us while it all happens.

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