Sunday, July 02, 2017

Worry, Not.

  Sometimes, I cannot believe this blog is fourteen and a half years old! That means my new journey, has become a long road. As much as I absolutely never expected some of the huge twists and turns on my way to this point, I also accept reality and feel a peace of wisdom I would never have known otherwise.

  When I started writing here, I had a vision of the story I wanted to tell. I felt strong, ready and able to make life happen in a stable healthy way. I remember when I took a little walk that night in the hotel in Medford during the "transition" of my five-year-old daughter and one-year-old, son, I met the day before, would forever change everything about my future. And it did.

  "What does not kill you, makes you stronger." 

  Or, so the saying goes. I can reflect back on my New Memories with the peace of mind to know I have always made the best decisions at the time I made the choice. Always. Even in the times, I made my less than wise choices, my decisions to do so were right at the time. 

  I also have another motto for life: "Nothing is set in Stone."

  Or as I have accepted this part of myself, I always reserve the right to make a new decision.

  I used to worry more. I used to live in a constant state of anxiety. I used to stay awake half the night thinking, reading, and praying till nearly dawn, sometimes. Thankfully, several years ago I managed to give that crap up. One day, my memoir may include more of the juicy details, for now, however, it is enough to say, I understand twists and turns are just a part of the game.

  It is enough to say, that about seven years ago, I chose to change the way I viewed the world and radically accepted reality, and it has and is making all the difference in my life. And hopefully, in the way, I am as a mother, woman, person in this one life I have to live.

  Sometime during 2010, I had the great opportunity to participate in therapy that changed my life completely. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT. At the same time Makaylah spent a year away in residential treatment. We both overcame a lot of our issues and that made all the difference.

Seven years ago I started with DBT and that made all the difference today, I continue to use my skills and have discovered Leo is motivating and interesting... And the Journey continues.

Saturday, October 15, 2016


  Every night, or every morning depending on what you call 12:15 AM, I have happily found the way to get up and take her to her job and still show up for mine with bells on my toes. The saying, "Be careful what you wish for..." rolls around in the back of my mind as I open the garage door and back out into the dark of night. It would have been much better had she found a job with normal people hours, but at the same time, it's nice to know where she is all night long. I still have not managed to figure out when the best time is for me to take the two or so hour nap I need so that I don't burn myself out. If I take it too late, it's harder to fall back to sleep in the middle of the night.

  At first, I was irritated with her when she decided to move three blocks away and sign a lease to live in her cousin's dining room. All those young people crammed into a little apartment. Jason, his friend, pushing 25 years old, and David and Makaylah just 18. Then I decided what better place for an 18-year-old to rebel and get out from under her mother's watchful eye--not. At least not as much as her choices could have led her. I am fine with the fact she is crammed into an apartment, three blocks away with family. That and, she doesn't have a car just yet so on her works nights we get to chat just after midnight.

  Mother and daughters are adulting well. Even though I wish Tori would move back to her family, I know she is adulting well--or at least her FaceBook posts and text messages to Ma, help me believe she is doing well.

  Marty is facing his first year of high school with an encouraging attitude--it's pretty clear he is about to accept reality and make the choices he needs to make about what kind of person he is going to become. I think he knows, I know, he is ready to overcome another batch of "thangs" that have held him back in life. I think he knows, I've got his number.

  And, on top of everything Sean and Amanda made me a grandma. What could be better than becoming a grandma? Maybe, having two grandchildren? What are the odds anyone in MY GENE POOL might have two kids around a year or so apart? Bawhahahaha. ?

Monday, July 11, 2016

This Says it All -- She Did It!

  It was a long road--but, this picture says it all! A few days before graduation Makaylah was asked what song sums up her feelings about finishing high school and she said, "Dora's, 'We Did It.'" I flashed back to those first few years--when I became the mother of a beautiful five-year old... and that song...over, and over.

 If anyone took the time to read this whole blog, they would see there were times--I was not sure we would make it. And "We Did It."

All things considered, I could not be more proud of Makaylah! It has to be hard to go through the things she did when she was so little. It had to be heart-breaking to be separated from her birth mother, the only mother she knew--the mother she loved. It had to be confusing to move from one foster home to another foster home and then into my arms.

 Makaylah was a strong little-girl and she will be a strong young woman. It's funny how some of those "RAD" traits I now think of as very good qualities for my daughter to posses. Her strong--will and ability to manipulate any situation to fit her needs could be very beneficial in some career choices she might make.

  It is clear there was/is only one really annoying trait/behavior/whatever you want to call it, that none of the help, therapy, special education, punishment or reward systems managed to knock out of her. That would be her snappy-mouth with the look on her face. I guess, if that is the worst thing a mother can say about her 18 year old high school graduate, then Thank God! And, as a snappy-mouthed woman who has been in trouble for the look on my face more than once I can't help but recall the warnings from my mother. The warnings that she hoped I had a daughter who had a sassy-mouth like me--I can live with this and smile to myself ever time I do my best to be supportive to Makaylah and remind her to work on that.

Here is to a fantastic future and wonderful life Makaylah Maureen (Joy) Ferlitsch, I am so proud to be your mother!

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