Thursday, February 24, 2005

Am I being too Open by keeping my online Journal?

Am I being too Open by keeping my online Journal?

It has been awhile....

I have had a few people criticize the openness that I have shown on these threads.... Been told that my willingness to share in fact is a Bad thing and HURTS my cause to Advocate for the Adoption of Special needs and Waiting children.....Personally, I have wanted to share for the very fact that I don't want dreamers and people with unrealistic expectations to Adopt these children--they need much stronger parents then the average child.

I also don't feel that my daughter will grow up to HATE me for this openness--I think that if she were to run across these threads one day she will see that it was all About LOVE and my hope and desire to HELP her become WHO she can become........ I keep my own handwritten journal that I will give her come the right time.....of letters I write to HER and how this has been all and only for HER best interest..... She is a pretty OPEN book herself--a lot more LIKE me then any of my four children--I imagine that she will one day be on this forum with a big fat mouth too.

The past few weeks have of course included many of the same old things....God LOVE HER..... Recently we are back in the mode of TESTING every rule, every limit and every boundary--This is rather normal behavior for kids her age---but, compounded with the PROVE YOU LOVE ME issues.... Oh the Joy of motherhood.

Really my problem KID right now is Tori.... she really has tossed me into an emotional roller coaster ride with her recent comment that she believes Christianity is a Biological Mental disorder...? I hope she returns from this world she is in soon.... anyone willing to Pray for her would help....I would honestly like to see her in heaven....Oh Well....I can see that the TESTING may never end.....such is the life of a mother.

Makala's case plan is written--and they intend to have her reenter public school in Fall 2006 that would be a 20 month program....However they have told me that she is smart and fast so she may leave quicker.

I cannot even express how wonderful this program has been..... I think that the big thing for our family is the fact that our circle is tight and our Holding Therapy is about all the people in her life CARING about her--and backing us and our family values up.

I have been stunned with the willingness to support OUR personal family---Last week her Church memory verses became a Power Struggle at home...This week her program includes Learning Her memory verses at School--can you believe That? A public agency willing to even listen to a child say a memory verse--I am amazed! This program is really all about different kids with different issues and backing each Family and Their values and expectations UP--I wish this were the standard with EVERY child in all situations....Every family is unique and deserves to have their own family be respected and supported in whatever that family is or believes.

Thanks everyone for all the support..... I am still deciding if I think my openness is actually a Bad thing...or if being open will help any person decide they are NOT ready to adopt a special kid?

Friday, February 11, 2005

One Month in Day Treatment--Update

One Month with 17-23 left to go
Well--This week is back to the better side of thing.... Bottom line NO ONE ever told us this was going to be a walk in the PARK--Thank Goodness for the times when it is calmer..... :eek: ......course, As I typed that I know the ride will change again.....WONDER WHAT THE NEW RIDE WILL BE?????

To Update:
The Sexualized behaviors have died down this week YIPPY! and I have given great thought to some of the things WE know about RAD kids....and that part of them that always needs to be "Thinking" about something to DO to create Something to make the parents CRAZY!

I have decided that when Makala says she "just cannot stop thinking about private parts or what getting married might be like...." That I have a CHANCE to give HER something ELSE to THINK about!

So this week we (parents) are adding some mystery to HER life..... Things for her to sit and wonder all about...Things for her to guess--and try to figure this is actually kinda fun.

We are reading Nancy Drew Books...a Chapter every night. We are doing scavenger hunts in the house....Spending time figuring out a big puzzle and Mom and Dad are trying to be more PLAYFUL....

Seems to be helping her a lot.... give her brain things to ponder instead. and We are spending our time trying to be more creative and we are thinking about OTHER things too instead of getting to a HOPELESS state of doom this has been a good thing.

My Anger Control Issues

So at my meeting I discussed the Balloon Popping incident that my husband said he felt was not OK and was scary to him and Jeremiah..... And I made myself open that possible I should seek help and get anger management and see the school ADULT therapist to get ME under control......HA!

Guess, What?

Next week the day treatment plans on getting some Balloons for the Children to USE when they FEEL angry because-----ANGER IS SCARY----and popping balloons is a great way to be SAFE and let it out....

SO THERE!!!!!!!

Medication Changes

Yesterday we saw the medication Shrink....and updated that the Day Treatment was the BEST choice I have ever made in my life..... That our problems were that OUR little Girl was NOT ready to go out into the world without someone who CARED about here with her....

We have reduced the Risperdol in Half! going to see what happens to the MOOD swings and if this medication is the reason we see SHORTER Rages or if she is starting to heal from the RAD.... Over time we will eventually remove this from the medication and see if her issues are more Bipolar or RAD stuff....YEAH because the weight gain and diet is really a pain in the neck especially the Finances!

We are working on the issues of the Adoption Subsidy and planning to ASK for the RESITE care But we want to do so in the best possible way and not have to fight for I am still working on this.... We need to find qualified people who understand the issues and NOT have to depend on family and friends....

Anyway------see you later when something else pops up!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Maybe Mom needs an Anger Management Class?

I realize that the State feeling that Former wife of domestic violence for 14 years would make a better mother--IS REALLY NOT most necessiarly the BEST parents. I do need to figure out a much better way to deal with my own Anger at some stressful points. Last night andrew said that sometimes when I am angry I scare him too.... Last night when I hit my limit I picked up a ballon and popped it to let it out....apparently this comes out as threatening--and for me that was not a big deal--just a release...I didn't do it around the kids but--my husband has a hard time when I do get angry--to me and given my own history popping a ballon is mild and not threatining.... so...... along with working still on my facial expressions--I need to still work on what is NORMAL for someone who is mad....

I guess--next time I need to pop a ballon I will go into a room alone and pop it and make ugly faces in the mirrior and then come out...? all I know is that for me I wish people would have popped ballons when they were mad....but, someone who has never seen real violence might not see things the way I do.

maybe an anger management class is called for?

Monday, February 07, 2005

Strange events on a Sunday

The weekend was mostly uneventful no big issues...I guess that really bothered Princess she created something....

I was talking on the phone with a friend and Andrew was working on the we were NOT staring at the kids....Guard down I suppose due to the weekend being pretty OK....

Anyway--Suddenly Makala starts screaming that Jeremiah has been hurt very bad.

In our main room we have the kitchen/dining/family room and we were all in there.... the Gas Fireplace was on and Makala said Jeremiah stood on a toy and burned his legs.... No real burn at all he just got warm....

Makala was sweet--ran and got ice....and put stickers on his legs and was just the sweetes big sister....

Later Jeremiah said: "KA owie my legs" I said WHAT? Show me.... He said..."Ka Up" And showed me she had lifted him up and put his chins on the vent at the top of the glass....remember that he really was not burned...

Makala said he was lying.... We asked her to show us how he did that....of course she couldn't.....I asked if she was lying...she swor she was not...So I told her to go get her Bible and we would pray to God that she was not lying---She fessed right up (I guess Hell scares her????)

I asked her WHY?

She said--"Jeremiah needed attention and I wanted to help him."

HUH?...................What? So she hurt him to be his hero.... Basically she said that was what she did.....?

I am sorry but this one seems like menatl illness to me.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

More clear and calm and able to cope!

All of you have NO idea what your words of support mean to me and my family. Or maybe you do... either way--Thanks so much your emails sure help me a lot!....

First of all to those of you who emailed me with some more insight and some of your own situations and advice--THANKS! This private communication has affected my viewpoint and attitude beyond anything on earth.... There is some strange sense of peace that I feel knowing I am not living in a WORLD of insane misunderstandings every where I turn! :eek:

Someone GREAT and well respected pointed out that We should not send DHS unasked for information! Thanks for reminding me that Children's services generally removes children and then asks questions! Wow how could I forget this! ::

So I am going to simply rewrite the NEEDS petition in order to set up Respite care. We need it way too much to let this continue to be a thought instead of taking action! In Oregon this request will be part of the Adoption Subsidy and goes through that office. We have never made a change to our petition since it was originally made. So I am hopeful that under the circumstance that it will be approved without too many question. That and Our subsidy for Jeremiah was opened only for $50.00 a month as we did not know his real needs at the time....and he is now clearly qualified for more.... Seems that on any given day if one kid is doing well the attention to the other comes back into focus....URG! This is WHY two sibling adoption are much more difficult then they look on paper.

I have also decided that it is not exactly a smart idea to even suggest False Allegation if there are not any yet.... GEE that would sort of indicate that maybe we are afraid of something?????

I have been able to pinpoint why I got so deeply out of control thinking about this problem! It was the phrasing the Day Treatment Case manager used when we talked that set me off.... The whole "we had to document" issue. Added to the fact that I am not very sure they are aware of the TIME and MEMORY problems Makala really does have.... and the innuendo that My husband lies around in boxers... The truth is that my husband weight 128 pounds on a fat day... He is a MAN who would rather not show his skinny legs or arms even on the hottest summer day. He own one pair of shorts which double as his swim trunks! He slept fully dressed more then I liked even before we adopted our kids--because his bonny knees and elbows hurt when the bump me! So....unless they actually understand he is not the kind of man to SHOW his body I assume they think that perhaps he is just one of those kind of guys who would watch the football game while in his boxer's and not notice anything falling out..... I have been married to that kind of man before....But also don't think this should be a REASON that a 6-year old gets all hot and bothered....the older children never did! They just got disgusted!

The day treatment program completely amazes me. The notebook that we send back and fourth has been a life saver! Yesterday I scribbled out what appeared to be a sort of panic attack...sorry but I think it is PMS and I am fearful that I am entering menopause. I expressed that we are feeling so HOME LOCKED and concerned about our own Liability at home and in the community.... That we FEAR the words our daughter uses and the things she says about her life....and that we basically live everyday worried half to death to even answer our phone in the even another parent wants to tell us how our daughter molested their child again....

The notebook came home last night with so much helpful validation. Her Case manager made it very clear that her history makes the odds of a false memory and/or allegation less then something to be worried about. That she is IN the program in the first place and for the primary reason of the sexualized behaviors. He assured me that False allegations which come out of the thin air are treated very different then a family who has begged for help for two years would be. That makes more sense to me then anything.... I still feel vulnerable however....but a lot less.

He also set an appointment up for me to counsel with the PARENT and Family therapists at the center. Where I can talk about why and how I feel so much stress about this matter.

He has also set a HOME Visit up for all day (9-5) next Saturday. Tow of Makala's regular staff will come to our home and sort of like the new reality shows with the Nanny's interact in our environment. I actually do like this fact. They do this with all families we just have not had our home visits planned yet. They like to understand what the child lives like at home...and they like to know when she talks about home what home looks like.

I hate to sound like a snob but I know that the only children in this program are under our State Health insurance plan. They do not accept private insurance and they do not provide service to people NOT on the health plan....So the SNOB that I am tells me that the majority of families they deal with do not have the same standard of living that we do.... Sorry to be a Snob but in this case I sort of feel this way.... I can imagine that the majority of families they deal with are not like us....Even our caseworker for our Homestudy asked WHY we didn't go private infant adoption as it was clear to him we could have.... Snobby snobby snobby I know---but, The day treatment center will understand after they visit that Makala does NOT live in a house with a beer drinking daddy who lays around in his boxers....

He drinks his beer in the garage! sitting between the 64 Corvette and the 80 Ferrari! .....snobby snobby snobby I know!

They have no idea what we do give our children and the future that we are able to offer to them. They have no idea about our lifestyle and that we are actually cultured--educated and not the average family...

Of course the fact that we are doing as well as we do has it's downfalls too. It means our social circle is NOT at all accustom to dealing with the issues our children do have. AND most of our circle is so busy acting like we are Saints that they are literally unable to be supportive as we could use. They are so star struck with the great deed we have done...that most assume Makala would act like little orphan Annie and dance with joy that we picked her.....NOT how it is or even how it should be....but, SNOBS don't get that.

Even my mother said something to the same effect to me yesterday.... She said, "I keep trying to think about how I would have felt to go from living in a shopping cart to living in your home and I cannot understand why Makala is not thrilled that you give her the life you do?" Right MOM.

So I said--Mom I try to imagine how Makala feels too and how I would have felt in her situation.... And I can tell you that I would have still LOVED you and still been a problem for anyone who tried to take your place..."

Mom just said--well, neither of us lived in a shopping cart and we have great moms and families.

I had to drop the conversation because I don't need to hurt my mom and remind her that maybe I didn't grow up in a shopping cart but I was the baby to a mother who was 16 and I did have a pretty rough and painful childhood to overcome...GEE I don't why she forgets about the HORRORS of the life I lived....???

When we talk about the sexualized issues my mother cannot seem to understand why one child -- ME-- lived through the things I did and turned out OK....and why Makala has so many problems about something she apparently cannot even remember..... I just have to remind her that for some reason I was NOT the average child and all those things that did happen to me....happened to make me the MOMMY I am today and gave me the skill to identify those evil people who do abuse little children...I hate knowing HOW those people work....and what they think and the SECRETS they know.... But I actually do and I have protected a lot of kids because I do....

Sexual abuse of children is the most ugly thing on this earth.... I do intend to have a long talk with the Good Lord when I get there about why child sexual abuse HAD to be given to Satin's power and ability.... God really could have drawn a line there if you ask me...! There are so many things he could have done to take that power away from evil.... This will be a big bone of contention between HE and I. Maybe if He decides to go another round of human experimentation He will remove this from the next earth.... I would like to be in charge of this issue if he decides to try again....

So my plan:

1) I am going to put together the WHOLE history of everything in ONE NOTEBOOK. I am going to organize the documentation that I have.... Make a copy of it all and file the originals in the safety deposit box with the other important papers. And then Maintain a correct record of the documentation's from here on out.

2) As advised by one of the great people who PMed me--I am going to ask Makala's former (my current) Attachment Therapist to WRITE some kind of statement and Keep a copy in my car and purse at all times.

3) We have an appointment with the Alarm company (We already have basic wiring in the house which we forgot about because we canceled the service as Someone is Always HERE) and create an alarm system that I can control interior doors and windows being opened...

4) In addition to the Nanny Cam we have in the play room...we are installing one in the upstairs hall and downstairs in the Family Room. We will keep them running on a video loop.

5) The safety plan for my husband and older son WILL be highly regulated and neither of them will at anytime be alone with her at all. There have been a few situations where I have felt comfortable with the Mothers Helper we have hired to be the second eyes...but I have decided that this is NOT part of her job description She is here to help with cleaning and general supervision but NOT to be the second set of eyes... Her job is toilet cleaning and picking up the things on the floor due to my back pain... NOT to TAKE care of MY children.....

6) I am going to be sure that the Day Treatment is aware of the Overall picture of our home, and Makala's past. I think there may be some gaps with the info they do have.

and I am going to go one day at a time! Today--I am resting...


Saturday, February 05, 2005

Over reation--PMS--???

My letter is really still a draft so that I can attempt to be sure we have everything properly documented. I am seeing that there are people scattered around who have pieces of the whole story and that there are possible gaps within each place documentation may be taking place.... I don't want to send my letter until it makes good sense and doen't sound I am planning on putting together one big fat document of everything and filing it with someone...

Between my own datebook and notes, the posts here and the various therapists and doctors I am feeling like there is NOT one general timeline of that is my project for the rest of this week.

I was concerned yesterday at the meeting when I was told they "HAD to Document" the conversation they had with her last week. I was concerned that it came accross to them that my husband lies around in boxers with his XYZ hanging out.... So I feel very concerned that ALL the info is recorded in ONE place.

I have too many words in my letter (what's new) so I plan to work on it this weekend.... make copies of everything I can put together and take them to the day treatment--and DHS office....

In the past I have often worried sometimes about being so open here--but right now the thing I do see is that my history and words have been documented--time stamed and not been able to be edited after an at least much of it is sort of documented.

My Mom woke me up at 5 am this morning with a call--she and my aunt were up half the night worried.... They personally want us to put her in residintal care ASAP until I can be sure nothing will hurt my husband and sons..... Hard to hear this from the dead of sleep.

Friday, February 04, 2005

How do we protect ourselves?

A Letter to Put together Documentation...

February 3, 2005

To Everyone:

As a wife and mother, I am becoming concerned for the general safety of ALL members of our household. Our little girl has lived in our home for over 2-years now and instead of improving emotionally she appears to continue to display the same emotional problems and progresses instead of learning to overcome them.

My concern is primarily in the area of the inappropriate mature behaviors. Which do not appear to end and do appear to escalate. Her responses to the normal answers that a mother would provide are too extreme and very unusual. It seems that with each passing month our world is forced to tighten up and that our ability to lead a normal life is strangled.

Our Daughter is a beautiful little girl and we love her completely and with everything in our hearts. We intend to continue to parent her until she is an adult and makes her own life. We have been as pro-active in dealing with her problems as is humanly possible. There have been several safety concerns and situations already.

We have documented in many ways various problems. We experience almost every symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) according to the lists commonly used by adoptive parents:

Attachment Disorder Symptoms
  • Superficially engaging & charming
  • Lack of eye contact on parents terms
  • Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
  • Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly)
  • Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)
  • Cruelty to animals
  • Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)
  • Stealing
  • No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
  • Learning Lags
  • Lack of cause and effect thinking
  • Lack of conscience
  • Abnormal eating patterns
  • Poor peer relationships
  • Preoccupation with fire
  • Preoccupation with blood & gore
  • Persistent nonsense questions & chatter
  • Inappropriately demanding & clingy
  • Abnormal speech patterns
  • Triangulation of adults
  • False allegations of abuse
  • Presumptive entitlement issues
  • Parents appear hostile and angry

We have had several therapy plans for our little girl since she came to our home. In addition to the RAD behaviors, we are also dealing with Sexualized, behaviors that reappear without a known cause and escalate. First, when we have attempted to help our little girl get to the root of her thoughts and feelings she has told several different stories.

From her birth mothers boyfriend “R” to her Foster Father 'D'. She has not told the same story twice. Additionally, she did talk to one of the staff members last week about her feelings and reported that she saw her father’s private parts falling out of his boxers. When I asked her about this she told me that she OFTEN comes to our room at night and lifts the blankets. We did have problems we have reported and attempted to end with her grabbing. We have made safety plans to insure that daddy is in no way exposed. We have made safety plans that she IS NOT permitted to cuddle with daddy and if she wants to come to our bed she must be between me and the window—Away from her father and brother if he is with us.

Our daughter tells me that when she told the staff member that she saw daddy’s privates she was talking about a time she came into our room and perpetrated on her father. He has slept nearly fully dressed for almost two years now. There are no boxers for her to accidentally see him fall out of.

Our little girl seems to not forget ANYTHING except for the rules she wishes to not follow. Something that happened a year ago she will think or say happened last week. She does not have any understanding of time passage. She does not understand a day—week—month—or year…. She will often bring up things that happened yesterday and say last month—or last week. When her doctor asked how school was last week…she talked about kindergarten the year before.

When I have used the same language I have used to raise my other children about sexuality my little girl is able to make unbelievable leaps of logic. She asks questions which are completely inappropriate for a child her age. She extrapolates any information she does get into some correct concepts and situations. Personally, I have become very concerned about implication of this situation. I am very concerned due to the issue that she is also a swell liar—and brilliant little girl.

I am deeply concerned that along with her anger there could be a situation of a false allegation. Other family members are also concerned. My oldest son will hardly come home to sleep even on a weekend now. He simply does not want to be around his younger sister. Other family members are no longer able to have Makala in their homes for even an evening of babysitting. There are simply too many MALE members of the family who cannot be placed in this kind of situation.

We have a three-year-old little boy (her biological brother) and she has already attempted to molest at least once right in the same room I was in. I cannot hire a sitter to watch both children at the same time. We must always have Makala separated from her brother and not leave a sitter in charge of such an important risk.

Our little girl cannot take swimming lessons because she will ask to see the private parts of little boys. She cannot go to birthday parties because she will become sexual with any MAN in attendance. I cannot leave Makala alone at home with her father so I can go to the store—because we cannot leave her alone with any male. My family is alarmed at this behavior. My mother is beside herself worried about even an accusation being made on my husband or my adult son. My family has stopped being supportive of our efforts to be great parents to this little girl.

Our original request for adoption with the state was that we would not have a sexually abused child. The indications of sexual abuse came out in the Foster Home and were not disclosed to us by the state—but, rather by the Foster Family sort of as a “oh, by the way….” On our way out of town following the transition. Apparently, the foster family did not report or their reports were not included to us by DHS. Either way, the Foster Family had concerns before we even arrived.

Apparently, it was due to drawings that our daughter made while in the Foster Home that prompted them to get Therapy. We did meet with that therapist who informed us that she had NO REASON at that time to believe that our little girl had been sexually abused—but that she had not had a long time to even get to that issue so her impression was that she was unable to confirm or deny any sexual abuse.

Upon the FIRST indication of any sexualized behaviors, we reported them directly to our caseworker and took her to a new therapist. In addition, since 10/03 I have been a very active member of an Adoption Support Group on the Internet and have been open with and documented much of the problems we have faced with our daughter.

We have gotten Attachment Therapy, which was effective to only a point. The other issues are causing an inability in the family being ABLE to properly do Attachment Therapy. We have sot medical support with a psychiatrist and he has diagnosed Makala as RAD and/or Bipolar and ADHD. I personally do not agree with the ADHD aspect of this doctors Dx.

Our world continues to become smaller and smaller. We are not able to provide our little girl with the life that an ordinary child should have. She is not able to be a part of a group. She is not able to take swim classes, go to day camp or play with her baby brother. Our personal life is all about HER. We do not get to go any place—or do anything without the fear of what she might do or say.

We do not know how to protect ourselves from the liability of a false accusation or from the liability of her harming a member of the family or community. Day treatment is our best hope to help her in such a way that she is no longer unsafe in our home or community. We are getting tired and heartbroken and feel powerless to make a change in her situation. Her reactions to the normal talk a mother would have with her daughter are NOT NORMAL. Her questions are NOT NORMAL. Her responses to NORMAL events in a family are NOT NORMAL.

For example: When I have tried to talk to her about the fact that private parts are for a mother and father to make babies—she asked: “When you got married was it everything you thought it would be?”

As the mother of a 6 year old, I personally found this to be completely not OK! Maybe from a 15 year old but NOT from my 6 year old.

Our daughter is on the extremes of all things. At one moment, she is speaking like a tiny baby the next she is planning to seduce someone. She sees herself as very little and tiny and should be able to have piggy-back rides and sit on daddy’s lap… The next moment she has make-up on and is dancing. However she was abused it is clear that she is STUCK there. She was NOT placed into foster care until AFTER her 4th birthday. This in reality may sound like a long time ago—but in truth was not. I personally, feel that at most times Makala has the emotional capacity of a 3-year-old. I believe that she was sexually abused in some way at a very early age between her birth and the age of four.

When we did meet her Foster Family, the Foster Father went to extreme measure to let my husband know that when he first met Makala she screamed every time he got near her. That she would not allow him to even get close for weeks. The foster Father made sure to make my husband aware that Makala might respond to my husband the same way she had with him. That was NOT the case. In looking back at the time we were in transition I feel that there were already indicators of sexualized behaviors we didn’t identify due to the fact that WE THOUGHT she was only bonding with us and enjoyed getting to know her new parents. Nothing directly sexual occurred during the transition however there was a great deal of rough housing and play in a room with beds at a hotel. Looking back the situation should not have been this way.

We want this adoption to remain intact and we want to be parents to Makala. We have no thought or desire to give up on her. We do however desperately feel in a HIGH Risk situation. As much as my love as her mother is…I have three other children and a husband to take care of as well. Now I am barely able to meet any one's needs. I am requesting that our family is provided with Respite care in the future. We need some times in our life where we are not on guard all the time.

I am putting so much faith into the day treatment program. I am believing with all of my heart that this will eventually lead to some healing and some recovery for WHATEVER her deep issues are. I must confess however that my greatest concern is that her lies, anger, intelligence end up equaling a false memory or allegation. What are we supposed to say to a little girl who just turned 7 when she tells us she cannot stop thinking about private parts of men? What are we supposed to do when she brings up a story from the past as if it happened yesterday?

Since Makala has been my daughter, there have been major—clear signs that her goal in life is all about making me mad. She has used many manipulation tactics in her efforts to drive me to anger. Including passive aggressive behaviors.For example: Shortly after she came to live here the older children told her that there was a rule that there was NO BARNEY the Dino in this house…. because mommy could not stand the dumb singing and fact that all his songs are old songs with changed words.

Not that I really could care less about Barney—but my older children were correct I do not like that cartoon—I think it is stupid and I don’t like it because of the bastardization of classic American music….. However, would not make and issue really…Anyway upon hearing this for the next YEAR anytime daddy took Makala out to the store she brought home something BARNEY. Movies, toys, color books, story books anything. Makala would flat look me in the eye and say—Daddy Likes BARNEY and ha ha ha on you.

Truthfully, I feel that she will do anything to upset me. I am the only one who can be in complete charge of her… It is MY FAULT that she cannot cuddle with daddy…it is my fault that she cannot sit on daddy’s lap…it is my fault that I am daddy’s wife. She has told me she wants me to go away so she can marry daddy. She has told me that daddy is sooooo cute. She does take pleasure in hurting ME. Making me look like I am the one causing the problem. That I am the one who has provided all the sexual information she has. That I am the one who teaches her these things. I AM NOT…so I am even in fear of my own reputation.

I need to know where the ‘master’ documentation of everything needs to be done. I need to know how to protect everyone in our home. I need to know that some strange thing that she remembers and thinks we taught her will not ruin our family. I need to know what we can do in order to keep our family safe.

I need a break and I need some time to deal with this stuff too. We adopted children in order to have a family and so that my husband could experience being a father. I am feeling very terrible, as this is NOT the kind of experience I expected my husband to have to endure.

My husband is HURTING that he is not able to have a relationship with his daughter. He is upset that I make him aware he is at risk and cannot be with his daughter alone for any reason….Sometimes I wonder if there is a possible way to have her hypnotized or sedated and if there is any possible chance to discover exactly who and what happened to her. The memory of her life with her birthmother is clearly fading. However, she refers to ALL the men in her life who have been the “father” as her daddy. When she Talks about ‘R” or ‘D” or “Andrew” she calls them all daddy. Because of her inability to gain understanding of ‘TIME’ she may tell a story that happened three years ago as if it happened yesterday.

She has already accused me of hitting her. And of hurting her. I have not. I have on two occasions, attempted an old fashioned. bend–over-my-knees spanking. However this proved to be ineffective as the child has to actually bend over in order for a parent to offer an old fashioned spanking and if the kid won’t bend over then there cannot be the old fashioned spank on the rear…so that didn’t accomplish anything. She has said some nasty things to my face and to her teachers and anyone else who might listen.

I see this as a potential for anything in the future.

Anyway—my letter today might sound hysterical and over reactive and maybe even defensive. My own family has informed me that they are worried and scared for my family. My mother and Aunt are very upset at this situation and very concerned that I am dealing with more then I can handle and that I risk so much that my life has become in order to keep her safe. We are losing our support system one person at a time. We are limited each day in the things we can do, the places we can go and the life we do have inside of our home. We have heard of horrible stories…we have seen other families ripped apart by things that were not real and we are very deeply worried about the more time that passes the more hard it is for anyone to believe that her problems are not coming from our home

What are we supposed to do considering these issues continue to come up repeatedly?

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Alarms and shut doors--seems so unatural to me.

I know--I have been one to suggest this to others....and completely understand the reasons for it..... It just seems so unnatural to have a family where bedroom doors are locked and alarms go off at night... But it is clear we might have to go that way...

In our house we usually have all the doors open at night. I cannot think of a time in my life where anyone slept with the doors shut. I have heard however that for Fire Safety this is better.... All the safety classes teach children to feel the door if is is hot and not to touch the knob... So I guess it is more normal for people to sleep with doors shut...

I just wonder don't kids this young have bad dreams and get scared with the doors shut all night? And what about bathroom and drinks in the middle of the night? How often do the alarms go off in the night for you Lucy?

Anyway--It would be nice to have my husband feel safe and go to bed dressed for me....and I suppose if we have to lock the door we will.... That is really going to tick Jeremiah off... but we have to protect him too at this point at three it is pretty sad I would rather change his diaper then deal with him being a target

Going to Low's so get a bedroom door lock....we have the alarms but have NOT been using them yet---except on the front door to keep Jeremiah in..... oh well.... Of course now that the subject is HOT again we can expect to go another round.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Mom has a major panic attack!

She is doing well again this week--I am a bit ruffled up and beside myself but, have all afternoon to deal with it....

I really hate the ugly things that can come out--and the feelings we can get when they do!

Apparently Makala had a talk with one of her female teachers last week....about the fact she just cannot stop thinking about private parts of men.... During the talk she claims she saw daddy's privates when he had boxers on....

OMGosh!................. The case manager had to let me know that they need to document these kinds of conversations! I agree with that but went on to say that Daddy has not slept in his Boxers for the past nearly two years...In fact it is NOT unusual for him to sleep in blue jeans and a button up shirt! I wish he could sleep in boxers again...

When Makala got home I casually mentioned that I understood that she was able to talk to someone about this private part stuff but that I was worried--When had she seen daddy? She tells me that she has purposely come into our room--pulled our covers back and taken the opportunity to look.... but now she knows dad dresses in street clothes when he sleeps so that is why she has been too lately!

My God is there ever going to be a day we just live normal?

I guess the only thing that keeps me together and not freaking out is that I know she came to us this way--it was clear in her drawings...before we ever met her....

To think my husband cannot even get a good night of sleep without the fear she will uncover him is really more then I want to deal with today....

I am going to write our own report to include in the file.

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