Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Update April 05

I keep thinking about the original profile we received before we even met the children and the fact that the first sentence said, "Makala is ready to attach to her forever family....."

Did they lie to us? Why would they even mention this if Attachment had not been a concern?

It is so strange that the two issues we said we knew we would rather not have to deal with were Attachment Issues and Sexulized Behaviors....and here we are 2 and half years later and those are to two issues that we have had the biggest problems with.....

When I think about it and look back I cannot blame the state. How could the overworked caseworkers have even had a clue? As much as I am for the Fast Track of children who clearly will not be reunited with their birthparents....I also see how there is not much time to really know what might be going on with a child who is placed in an adoptive home only 11 months after they enter Foster Care. I mean it took us many months to even notice patterns, or realize what we were dealing with was serious.... How on earth could these things have shown up in those few short months in a Foster Home with 7 other children?

Then I cry because I just wonder if the RAD was the result of the LAST move and was not an issue before that......Maybe my beautiful daughter would have been fine had she just stayed in that Foster Family? But, given what I do know I don't think that could be true....they really didn't want her....even though they wanted her brother. It would have been a sad life to live in a family that only took you because they had to in order to keep your baby brother. We still deal with those feelings around here. I wish I could just come right out and say, "Makala we were looking for a little girl all along and we never even planned on adopting a baby--let alone a little boy! We wanted YOU and we took him because he came with you!" As much as this is the truth we would NEVER give Jeremiah up and we are sooooooo happy that we have been able to experience the things that having a baby mean.....we will always be the only parents he actually remembers and it is likely he will never have RAD.

I wish could grab her by the shoulders and shake her out of this!

In all of my years as a mother I have never felt so helpless.

It is so hard to do the re parenting stuff when you are frustrated and angry inside. So hard to hold an 85 pound 7 year-old and even want to let her act like a baby in my arms. BUT I am doing it....hard as it is I am giving this to her.... On my terms twice a week. I still cannot bring myself to use a baby bottle with her however. But we have been feeding each other ice cream....they think it may be the lactose which helps the brain build the connections. I suppose that if we don't see progress I will use the bottle but I still just do not understand how allowing the baby stuff really makes her heal? It just seems so counter productive especially when the whole world has been working on helping her use her regular voice and not baby-talk.

I won't feel peace in my heart unless I try anything and everything. Maybe tonight I can bring myself to try the bottle thing....ummm it just rubs me wrong. But, maybe now that we have finally gotten Jeremiah to give his bottle up I can do this. Maybe it won't feel so strange if I actually try it?

Anyway--all the rereading of all these journal entries has really brought out my tears. It feels like we have had the kids for YEARS and YEARS and it is nearly impossible to believe it has only been a little over 2 years! Andrew and I even had a bit of an argument because he thought last Christmas was the 3rd Christmas we have had the kids.....It just seemed impossible to believe it had not been that long and that it was only the SECOND Christmas we have been parenting together....... I knew it had felt longer to me but, I thought the fact I had been a mom since I was 20 years old explained my feelings. I didn't even imagine that a man who had only really been a DADDY to these kids would feel it had been longer then it was.

We are still having problems getting any time for ourselves..... It is impossible to set up child care for children in two different places. We just can't leave anyone in charge of both at the same time...Too risky for Jeremiah..... And we really don't feel like telling everyone that they must be so careful because Makala might sexually abuse her brother! The last time we had a sitter at the house they put Jeremiah to sleep in Makala's BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It probably seemed normal to do that to the sitter? And, how can we tell everyone this kind of thing? Most people could not believe it even if we did tell them and most people would NEVER understand how fast sexual abuse can happen!

Anyway--right now I feel pretty blue about this whole thing. I am glad that it is my one day where Makala is at school and Jeremiah is at pre-school for the morning. I really need to get this junk off my mind and move forward....It is hard everyone! So hard.

It is like loving a rock on some days.....and an ugly monster on other days....It is like loving a black hole. I feel like I am driving an SUV all day and paying the gas price of $2.65 a gallon and getting 9 miles to the gallon..... Sometimes I just want to park the car and ride the Bus! Sometimes I would rather parent a child who had a serious medical issue.....or one that might not ever fully understand the world around her.....I would at least not be the target of REACTIVE behaviors....I might actually be able to meet the needs of a child who was profoundly mentally retarded....or disabled....or sick. But, this is crazy so often.

and No One else "Gets it." The regular people in the world just think my daughter should be so grateful that she has a family. She should be happy and want to be a part of this family....she should know what a wonderful thing we have done....... The rest of the world hears RAD---Reactive Attachment Disorder and asks me what medication we can give her? Why can't she just bond to us? and too many people think it is just another one of those conditions that is all made-up and JUNK psychology. Since no one knew about it and since no one talks about it how real can it actually be.

every one has some CRAP advice to offer..... so many people just suggest being a tough parent.....don't let her get away with this, that and the other. "We would have spanked our kid if they acted like that." ---"You need to show her who is in charge!"--"Have you tried a star chart? That worked with my kids."

Right.

I guess parents of RAD kids just have to learn to be careful and only speak to each other....because all the outside advice and support is so very often counter productive..... What you see is not the same....what you see is a REAL issue and what I have to do about it makes no logical sense to you---so you are not in the loop anymore because you do not understand....never will.....I wouldn't have until I saw it and faced it myself.....and I have to deal with it myself and well....... only those who know get to give me advice now.

......More later......

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