Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Delayed updates -- Life is Strange

Forward: With unexpected changes I have not updated this blog for so long... I didn't know what to write--how to say it--or to be blunt, what was actually real the past few years.

For the most important reasons I will not write all the details of what has taken place during the last year or so. Best to avoid a permanent record of the completely crazy crap that has come to light in my personal life!


The WONDERFUL news is: Makala is home with me--after a year of wonderful treatment and care she is DOING fantastic and together she and I are doing well. We have moved to my little house in Portland Oregon and what it has taken to get to this place in life--is 100% worth it.

It has been a very emotionally long and difficult 2-years FOR ME. But, I have not lost sight of those things in life that matter most to me. Even if I discovered that for many years I lived my life in a home divided--where the family values that were important to me--did not turn out to be the same values of my partner--of my husband and with the man I chose to become the parents of special needs siblings.

I have learned that I can have a healthy outlook, I can have the right attitude, I can accept reality and keep my faith... but, as parents and in my marriage I was not strong enough to make these feelings real for my husband. I can know how to communicate--how to advocate--and keep my mind open to trying whatever it takes to help my little ones become as well adjusted as possible... ALONE.

It is better to go it Alone then to do so where judgements are based on denial and a focus in values that mean nothing to me in the big-picture. I did NOT choose to adopt special needs siblings from the foster care system thinking they would come without extraordinary needs. I did NOT think it was going to be some kind of simple thing in life--or that I would wake up in whatever Fantasy of "Normal" there never will be... the truth is in my experience as a mother for the last 27 years "Normal" is relative and I learned a very long time ago that Normal is actually not Normal.

So, here I stand--a new year ahead and I am accepting reality. The reality IS that my husband found it impossible to love me--when I needed to be strong and parent a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder and the other special needs our daughter has in life. Being strong and helping her cope with the long list of "ABC's" attached to her Therapy and Treatment was the reality that I was forced to face a very long time ago. Someone had to accept the reality of the situation and be strong and able to make the difficult decisions and risk being viewed as some kind of control-freak.

Those of us who are parenting children with RAD -- Fetal drug and alcohol exposure and children who have been sexually abused NEED to be strong and advocate for the best interest of our children even if it turns out that we look like the ones with the problem. I never expected that my husband would SAY that he felt I was half the "problems" and reason for our child's desperate behaviors. I did not realize during the moments--that my strength in this journey would cause the One Person I needed the most on my side--to be against me. Talk about a head-trip and feeling as if the rug was pulled right out from under my HEART!

It has been a long 2 and half years of tears nearly day in and day out for me. I thought at first it was only for the love and pain I felt for our children. I have learned that my pain and sadness did NOT stem from the love I have for our children--but, instead for the Love I did NOT have from my husband. A man who told me that my work on the Adoptive Parents Network website stuff I did was GREAT but, in reality he never once even read a word of any of it... He instead found it all to be My need to be whatever it was that he assumed by what he never even looked at...

The truth is that Makala would have never healed or had a chance to overcome the issues that RAD and her other special needs put into her life--if I had stayed with a husband who believed that I was half her problems... That ONE element in itself would NOT lead to any kind of healing for Her--for Me or for her brother... There is simply ZERO possibility of successfully parenting a RAD-kid in a home where one parent could even for one day blame the other for the special needs of children they adopted...

The reality is that little brother would have been better off to have been placed into a different family then his sister. I would not have ever thought a sibling split would ever be an option... I have learned to accept the fact that in some cases it is better for everyone involved. Little brother is doing well--with dad and the children spend every weekend together... I have what it takes to be there for my baby boy and build a healthy relationship with him... Just cannot protect these children 24/7 from the things they do to each other in a home where I am seen as half the problems by the man who should have been my united partner.

Falling out of Love is so painful. Learning to think of the future in a way I did not expect to face has been very hard for me. I was the most happy woman on this earth with the Life I had just a few years ago. I had all the faith in God required to parent our children. I have access to all the support that I need--all the info that I can obtain and services for my children that other families do not have with their children. I am able to advocate for the best interest of my children even if it makes me look like a demanding woman... I am able to parent my children No Matter What... and I am going to be fine...

Moving on has been hard for me. I have felt very alone for the last few years and I was right to feel alone because I am alone in this now and have been apparently since November 2006 when my husband chose to blame me and deny the reality of the choices we made together when We adopted children with special needs.

I am strong and will be there for my children until my last breath even if the people in my life cannot Love me back at all ever.

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