I would imagine there are many adoptive mothers (for that matter mothers) who are a lot like I am. Passionate, intensely emotional, empathetic, more selfless than selfish. For me, and those like me that is part of what being a mother actually is. It is more then likely what makes it possible for a mother to love a baby as her own, even if she meets her babe at 5 years old.
I myself, cannot even imagine how I could be a mother without the intensity I feel. My father used to say, "Everything is the most important thing in life, to De Anna." He actually still says it. And, it is actually a real-truth about me. I don't understand any other way. If I do something it is everything and I am 100% committed to it.
This has it's benefits for me. I generally, finish what I start, or at least reach the initial goals I set. I don't set goals I don't intend to reach and therefore, I set reasonable goals for myself. One week, down for two online classes and American Sign Language... It was hard, but I did it and now it is week two.
When I set things up, to start classes last week, I did not expect to also be dealing with the Legal issues that have come up. Oh well, that is the way life goes sometimes and it makes sense I need to resolve the unresolved issues, if I really hope to leave lost dreams behind me.
When everything is the most important thing in life, it is hard to let lost dreams and goals die. I can today, look back and know in my own heart that I made the only choices that I could--for my children. I am meeting the goals I had in my mind over 10 years ago when I met them for the first time. It is not how I thought it would turn out. It is not my dreams come true and I have given up a lot for the passion of my heart.
I regret I even need to have a lawyer in the first place. It is wrong that the love and most special gift I have shared with anyone in my life could have turned into the end of what I believed was my dreams come true. It takes two.
It is completely logical that when I make the first steps to the next part of My life, I am forced to resolve the things that hold my heart back. A legally mediated separation agreement, does not work for a woman like me. I am not a one-foot-in, one-foot-out type of Gal. To move forward, I need more then a legal contract created by my husband and his specific request to include that we were able to date others..... That HURT!
It has been just over three years now. I don't feel like myself, a mans wife with permission to date. So it is for the best that all comes to an end.
New Memories -- Blog Tags
abuse (1) acceptance (3) adoptee (1) Adoption (1) Adoption Committee (1) Adoptive Parent (3) AdoptiveParentsNetwork.com (3) Advocate (4) Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorders (ARND) (18) anxiety (2) At Risk (1) Attachment (3) Attachment Disorder (2) Attachment Therapy (AT) (10) Attorney (1) Behaviors (2) Bill of Rights for Children's Mental Health Disorders and their Families (1) birth mom (5) boundaries (4) Case Worker (3) Child Identification (1) Child Rights (1) Christian (1) Christmas 2008 (1) communication (1) consequences (4) Contact (1) DHS (4) diagnosis (4) Disruption (2) Dissolution (1) divorce (3) documentation (1) domestic violence (3) door alarm (2) DSM IV (1) eating disorders (1) employment (2) Family (2) family preservation (2) FASD Resource (2) Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD) (24) foster family (3) Foster Home (3) Fund Raisers (2) Funding (1) goodbye (2) grief (3) home (3) Home Study (1) honeymoon (2) impulsive behaviors (3) Individual Education Plan (IEP) (15) loss (2) Marty (4) Medicaid (1) medication (6) mental health (4) mental health services (2) Missing Children (2) Mt Hood Oregon (2) Nancy Thomas (1) negative attention (3) Neurobiology (1) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (2) oxytocin (1) Parent Advocate (2) Parental Rights (1) parenting (4) police (2) Post Adoption Family Therapy (1) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (1) processing (3) propaganda (2) RAD Cult (6) RAD Mom (7) RAD Research (2) Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (23) Research (8) Residential Treatment Center (1) Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (3) Resource (9) Respite (1) Safety (1) School (10) Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) (1) secondary behavior (1) Services (1) sexualized behaviors (4) short term memory (1) social (2) special education (7) Special Needs (2) Statewide Action for Family Empowerment (SAFE) (1) stealing (1) symptoms (2) tantrums and rages (4) Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) (1) The Brain (2) therapist (4) time outs (4) transition (8) Triangulation (1) Trust (1) Understanding Attachment (1) Understanding FASD (6) vacation (6) violence (2) Washington (2) website (9) When Love Is Not Enough (1) wraparound (1)