Monday, April 08, 2013

One week down and lost dreams behind Me.

I would imagine there are many adoptive mothers (for that matter mothers) who are a lot like I am. Passionate, intensely emotional, empathetic, more selfless than selfish. For me, and those like me that is part of what being a mother actually is. It is more then likely what makes it possible for a mother to love a baby as her own, even if she meets her babe at 5 years old.

I myself, cannot even imagine how I could be a mother without the intensity I feel. My father used to say, "Everything is the most important thing in life, to De Anna." He actually still says it. And, it is actually a real-truth about me. I don't understand any other way. If I do something it is everything and I am 100% committed to it.

This has it's benefits for me. I generally, finish what I start, or at least reach the initial goals I set. I don't set goals I don't intend to reach and therefore, I set reasonable goals for myself. One week, down for two online classes and American Sign Language... It was hard, but I did it and now it is week two.

When I set things up, to start classes last week, I did not expect to also be dealing with the Legal issues that have come up. Oh well, that is the way life goes sometimes and it makes sense I need to resolve the unresolved issues, if I really hope to leave lost dreams behind me.

When everything is the most important thing in life, it is hard to let lost dreams and goals die. I can today, look back and know in my own heart that I made the only choices that I could--for my children. I am meeting the goals I had in my mind over 10 years ago when I met them for the first time. It is not how I thought it would turn out. It is not my dreams come true and I have given up a lot for the passion of my heart.

I regret I even need to have a lawyer in the first place. It is wrong that the love and most special gift I have shared with anyone in my life could have turned into the end of what I believed was my dreams come true. It takes two.

It is completely logical that when I make the first steps to the next part of My life, I am forced to resolve the things that hold my heart back. A legally mediated separation agreement, does not work for a woman like me. I am not a one-foot-in, one-foot-out type of Gal. To move forward, I need more then a legal contract created by my husband and his specific request to include that we were able to date others..... That HURT!

It has been just over three years now. I don't feel like myself, a mans wife with permission to date. So it is for the best that all comes to an end.

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